balancing storybooks up on my head

Someone said to me this weekend "jess, you've already started your life and it's a big one."

It struck me. I have been so inside my head lately. Questioning. Thinking. Not understanding the bigger picture. Not seeing. I have been living my life for so long with this feeling, this anticipation - when's it going to start? When am i going to feel like a grown-up. Is this really it. Has youth already passed me by.

I have been feeling overwhelmed by my life.

This feeling that i just want to escape. The constant needs of all my family. The kids needing me so much. All the time. My husband needing me. I find myself fleeing every evening. To the school. To work.

It's not really an escape. Sitting alone in the 100 year old schoolhouse. It's lonely and suffocating.

I am really looking forward to going to chicago. I am most looking forward to the travel part. I love being alone in airports. Knowing that nobody knows me. Feeling important. Like somebody. Out in the world.

Not a lonely mother in the country. Clueless. Friendless.

Posted by Jess at 10:02 PM Permalink

Comments (5)

Luciana

Have you had the feeling that you can´t sit down without being asked for usage space for a piece of your mind (even if a little one) from those you love? That´s what happens at home. Sometimes even going to the restroom for a minute (and locking the door) feels like a trip.

Posted by Luciana | June 11, 2007 04:07 AM

Luciana

Sorry for another comment, should have put this part first with comment number one. Thanks for being friends with us through your blog, and for being sincere on your accounts of what goes on with your feelings. You are a very very nice person and I hope everything goes well to you on BlogHer. I hope you don´t feel alone indeed, because your blog makes me feel not alone (this is a very childish sentence, with lots of alone, but it is indeed the true).

Posted by Luciana | June 11, 2007 04:15 AM

blackbird

I'm so looking forward to meeting you.
I'll be the one who either babbles on like an idiot or has realized what an ass I am and is totally silent - in any case, look for my nametag.

Posted by blackbird | June 11, 2007 05:11 AM

I know what you mean Jess. We moved here almost a year ago and since I didn't go back to an office job, I didn't have that as a way to meet people. Then I got pregnant and I was sick for the first trimester, then it was the holidays, then I had the baby. So what I'm trying to say is that I haven't made any friends here either and I miss my girlfriends who live far away desperately.
It is so nice to have interactions with my friends inside the computer though.

Posted by TB | June 11, 2007 12:04 PM

Angela

I have always found airports to be oddly hopeful places, there is always the possibility to go anywhere and be anything or not.

Posted by Angela | June 11, 2007 08:32 PM