Camping was amazing. The kids enjoyed total and complete freedom to just be. Normal rules by the wayside. Yummy food. Good friends. No baths.

I enjoyed being around good friends. Leaving all the stresses and worries behind.

I snuck away a few times to sit alone on the beach and contemplate life and the state of my mind.

I truly feel some healing happening up there. Letting go of the things, the feelings, that bind me. I am at a 3 or 4 now. I will never be a 10. I know that. I will always sink into despair - moments, days, weeks. But, i also have friends, family, shane. People who love me as i love them. People that never give up on me.

The kids and shane left today.

I am enjoying an amazing day by myself. Two softball games. Plenty of beer league fun.

I will be watching this sunset tomorrow.

See you thursday.

Tomorrow is the last day of school. Celebration Day.

I am so sad to be saying goodbye to 11 amazing kids. As president i make a speech and give them each a tree to plant to remember the time at our school. I can't believe how much i adore these kids. How much the moving on hurts me.

I'm excited for them. The beginning of lives ahead of them. But really? Really i don't want things to change. The school is so perfect right now. Amazing kids, amazing teachers.

I have had such a great year here. This is what has gotten me through.

On sunday we begin our summer camping adventures. I'm excited about that too. Warm days and chilly nights around the fire. Friends and conversation.

Life is good. I need to remember that.

I am underwhelmed by a few (very few) malicious coments. It makes it so hard for me to be honest.

I have, above all, tried to record an honest account of what it is like to be me.

Not you. Not depression. Just me.

I feel, so often, like life sucks. Not just in a "poor me" kind of way, but in a broader sense.

My goal in life, and to teach my kids, is that life is hard, people sometimes suck, but in the end it is family and friends that will see you through.

I am trying to say that i have had a hard day. People questioning who i am, what my intentions are. And all i want to do is hang out at the beach.

And life it keeps getting in my way.

Summer is finally here. We had our first real lake day today.

After sports day and school and busy, busy, busy.

We just met at the beach. No plans. Nothing. Just a bunch of moms and kids.

And chips. And beer.

Tired moms descended. Kids happily playing. We drank some beer, planned camping trips, bitched about this and that.

I left feeling so happy. These days are my very favourite part about living here.

And there are only three days of school left. I am so sad for that. Not because of endless days with my kids. I welcome the sleeping in, the adventures, no more packing lunches. I am going to miss playing with all the kids. I am going to miss impromptu lake outings.

They continue into the fall, but that seems like an eternity away.

The kids voted me "coolest mom." I hate to say how thrilled i was. Another mom was upset with me. How i hurt her ego. I brushed it off and said it was because i played Red Rover. But really, i work damn hard to make life easy and fun for my kids, in spite of myself, and i am happy for any acknowledgement.

Well. Hello.

Ahem.

Things are fine. Maybe even good.

My psychiatrist told me that he couldn't help me and that drugs probably couldn't help me. They couldn't help me until i helped myself. Until i made changes in my life. Drugs aren't going to make negative things positive. Drugs aren't going to make your husband bring in the garbage.

And so, perhaps, like all other things we have to go to the bottom. Have that big blowout before things can get better. Or you even want to make things better. You have to see what you are risking. What you are losing before you realize how very much you want that thing. You need that thing.

And so we have talked. A little. We have kissed and made up. We love each other. And he knows, and i know, having been through all of this before, how difficult this can be.

I understand i am hard to love. I am stubborn. I am moody. I have high expectations.

And so does he. And so is he.

And so are we. We are determined to make this work. To love and be loved. To love our kids. To send them out in the world as prepared as possible. To not believe that everything just works out. Anything worth anything is worth working on.

And, crap, these are tiring days. This is the busy time. This is the endless time.

This is the time to move forward. To get better.

Happy birthday Toby.

I hope you enjoy you're birthday. I hope it lives up to all the expectations you've been struggling with for the last few weeks. I know how important you're friends are to you. That's why we have 8 boys sleeping over.

I am proud of you for remaining confident this year in the face of so many frustrations learning to read and write. I hope things will come easier for you in the next year.

I am proud of your tireless energy for playing and creating games. The inventions all over our yard make me happy.

I love you very much.

I'm going to let it all hang out. For a few moments. I can delete this in the morning.

Save as a draft.

Last night i asked my husband if he still wanted to be married to me. He said "i don't know. I don't think so."

And i woke up this morning and he was gone.

And i took my kids to school. Bound for field trips and fun.

And i went and had skin cancer removed from my arm. Parker watching, intently, as blood dripped. He was interested.

And then we returned to school. For playmates. And fun.

And my husband came home. And i hate him.

What am i to do.

I do want you to understand.

My hipster darling, internet.

Wriggling around in my 30's skin.

I am lingering in my long kiss.

Tonight?

If you asked me how my life is. It is filled with drama. Insecurities.

My husband passes by me like a stranger. A simple "i'm going to bed."

A simple "i hate you."

How did i get here. How have i become the plague of human spirit when i spend my days playing red rover and blowing sad noses.

There are so many things they never told me about being a mother. It started with pregnancy. All the bumps and bruises. And the skin tags. Had you asked me ten years ago what a skin tag was i would have looked at you with a deer in the headlights stare. Something like "a tattoo?"

I've been feeling like my life is like a stack of cards. A supreme tower. And someone has removed a crucial card. The one that is holding the whole thing together.

I've been in a state of flux since being in the hospital. Feeling like every move i make is judged. Is she okay? Don't upset her. Is she losing it?

I don't think that is ever going to change now. I've become special. Different. The people that know keep me at a distance now. Afraid. Mental illness is scary.

I feel like i've fucked it all up. My perfect life. I've become untrustable.

I can't be trusted with myself.

Never mind the fact that i can taste the fear. The fear of being back in the hospital. Losing my children. I can no longer just be moody. PMS is a spark of depression. I have to live a lie now.

I live in fear of judgment. Of loss. And this is far more depressing than life was before.

And i have these stupid spots of carcinoma. And skin tags. Just teeny, tiny little ones. I pick at them. Nervously.

Someone said to me this weekend "jess, you've already started your life and it's a big one."

It struck me. I have been so inside my head lately. Questioning. Thinking. Not understanding the bigger picture. Not seeing. I have been living my life for so long with this feeling, this anticipation - when's it going to start? When am i going to feel like a grown-up. Is this really it. Has youth already passed me by.

I have been feeling overwhelmed by my life.

This feeling that i just want to escape. The constant needs of all my family. The kids needing me so much. All the time. My husband needing me. I find myself fleeing every evening. To the school. To work.

It's not really an escape. Sitting alone in the 100 year old schoolhouse. It's lonely and suffocating.

I am really looking forward to going to chicago. I am most looking forward to the travel part. I love being alone in airports. Knowing that nobody knows me. Feeling important. Like somebody. Out in the world.

Not a lonely mother in the country. Clueless. Friendless.

Gosh. I'm sorry i didn't have the forethought in september 1996 to know that june birthdays are really hard on moms. I'm sorry that june is the very busiest month of the year and i really have had trouble being there for you.

But, my tristan, i love you like no other. You have taught me so many things. How to be a mom.

I'm sorry that every mistake i have made, i make with you.

I'm sorry that you are so darn perfect that i often forget you in the throws of your challenging siblings.

I'm sorry i spent the eve of your tenth birthday in emergency with your brother and you woke up to grumpiness and worry instead of kisses and sunshine.

I'm sorry that you have to be the oldest, faced with responsibility that you are not ready for.

But, oh my god, how i love you. You have a secret that will always be ours. That the most perfect moments in my life, the happiest and most fulfilling, were those first two years i spent alone with you. I have a bond with you that can never be broken. You were my perfect baby. The love of my lifetime.

Because of you and those perfect days i had my other perfect children. If it hadn't of been for you and the intense love we shared, there would be no toby, eliza and parker.

I am thankful for the way you understand me. That you know when i've had enough. That you can help out. Make your lunch. That you can't say "i love you," no matter how hard i try to make you.

I am excited to watch you step away from me. Make friendships that will last a lifetime.

I love you and i know that you know that i do my best.

xxoo

Parker and i just returned from five hours in emergency. Asthma and eczema flare-up. I am exhausted.

We did get to go on a field trip today that included an awesome tractor-pulled hayride around a 200 acre dairy farm. That look on his face? Pure rapture.

It seems that the bear has moved into my yard. Sightings are a near daily experience. He's darn cute and grumpy. If you yell at him to "shoo" or bang pots and pans he looks up from whatever delicacy he's found to munch on, gives a little grunt and continues his solitary foraging. I kind of like this new creature wandering around, keeping us hostage in our house.

Tristan, toby and eliza are busily planning their massive birthday party. I have been so busy with school stuff that i have let them create this monster that i have no way to get out of. They are each inviting fifteen kids - that makes 45! - with three friends each spending the night. I figure i'll get it all over with in one day. One very crazy day.

I haven't really thought about it. I am living life one day at a time right now. Good days, follow bad days. They seem to be evening out. Every day that goes by and i continue on this sole searching journey i understand a little bit more about myself. The things i need to change, the things i can change and the things i want to change.

I think the biggest understanding i have come to with my heart and my head is that this is all up to me. My problems are my own. Not yours. Not my families. They are mine and nobody, but me, can try and make all this a little better.

As this year of depression comes to a close i can't believe the way sadness has no bottom. Just as i think i can't feel any worse, that i can't handle anymore, something else comes along and i sink even lower. But, every morning when parker wakes up with his sweet little stretches and moans beside me and his "i yove you's" and kisses right smack on the lips i can feel my resolve, my strength, my incredible love. They have gotten me through.

Last night shane's band played at a hippie commune. I really have trouble believing that those words have come out of my mouth in relation to me.

Despite the icky feeling those words give me, it was a ton of fun.

Fun, until, my social anxiety mixed with one too many yummy beers and i found myself laying in the grass wishing for someone to reach down from the sky and dropkick me home to bed. The biggest problem i have in times of distress is that i start jabbering on to shane about suicidal ideation, depression and general unhappiness. He, being the kind and gentle man he is, freaks out. Spins the car around, ready to drop me off on the fourth floor again.

Then, in the morning, i feel this giant sense of relief. I made it through the night. I am still alive. I talked about my feelings. And usually, we have come up with a new or tweaked plan for my mental health care.

Shane, on the other hand, is left a hand-wringing, acid stomached puddle of worry.

I am a hard woman to love.