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May 01, 2007

Thinking Blogger

Some awesome Canadian mother of four (yippee, a club!), Chantal, gave me a "thinking blogger" award.

It kind of took me by surprise. I don't think i give people much to think about, or never really thought of it in that way, until recently. Since getting official "cred" as a crazy person by spending time on the psychiatric ward i have been getting quite a few personal emails from people asking me for advice. I never know what to say and often leave them sitting in my inbox causing me great anxiety every time i see them sitting there. It's not that i'm rude or ungrateful for the support and encouragement i receive here. Quite the opposite really - it overwhelms me. Lately i have had to just not sit down at the computer because what started out as an outlet for my restless fingers has slowly turned into a monster i'm not sure what to do with. Sometimes i want to give my blog a time-out for bad behaviour.

I just, simply, am not qualified to give advice. I have treated myself so poorly for so long and now look where i am. I am the last person in the world to offer advice, in the words of Bloc Party "i've never known what's good for me." I can't even accept the help that's offered to me. instead i continue to keep up with all my bad habits. I keep hoping for the best, sweeping it under the rug and perpetuate the "everything will work itself out" mindset that was so prevalent in families when i grew up.

At the same time i am fiercely protective of my children and work with them on a daily basis to learn better coping skills and social skills than i have. I want to teach them from my mistakes. I want them to have a good life, a magical life. Yet here i am spilling my guts to the world on a daily basis. My kids all know about this site, but i've asked them not to read it. As they get older this becomes more of a challenge. A blogging conundrum that i have read over and over. At the end of the day i truly believe that there is never anything wrong with the truth. Growing up surrounded by denial and lies would be far harder for them than having a mother who feels and thinks.

I would love to hand out some Thinking Blogger awards, but i always dread picking people out of the crowd. I was never a popular girl in school. It wounded me - being picked last for the teams in PE - damn you dodgeball. I read a lot of different blogs and rarely comment on any (sorry). They all make me think. There are two that i can say because they are in retirement:

dirty olive who i miss like peanut butter
and
crazy us.


Posted by Jess at 09:12 PM Permalink

Comments (10)

Irene

you totally deserve that thinking blogger award Jess.

and I too miss Crazy Us.

Posted by Irene | May 2, 2007 12:26 PM

Chair

It's sometimes hard to read your blog, I will admit. I certainly don't speak for all of us who are so lucky to not suffer from depression but, I suppose a part of not experiencing it is to not be able to really understand how difficult and inescapable it can be.

I wish I could do something, anything, to make it better and easier for you and your family.

I like to think there's a way out and maybe it's just a medication away but, again, what the hell do I know? I know what you tell me.

Yes, it's hard to read, because I care about you and it's hard to feel incapable of doing anything to help and it's hard to grasp that it's as hard as you say it is -I don't for a moment doubt your feelings. And I will not stop reading -I have family who suffer from varying degrees of depression and, though they don't talk about it a lot with all of us, I feel like YOUR sharing enables me to understand that I have NO IDEA how difficult and painful it is and to know better than to make generalizations about how anyone feels.

For what it's worth, and whether you have a spirituality or not (lawl, I'm certainly no devout of any form), I pray for you.

Posted by Chair | May 2, 2007 01:45 PM

Sueb0b

Of course you make me think. You always have interesting and intelligent things to say, even if they are on tough subjects.

Posted by Sueb0b | May 2, 2007 02:11 PM

Nicole

I only recently started reading your blog, and must say, you do make me think. I've never been in your shoes, but I've come damn close. I have issues with anxiety, and it borders into depression. It's comforting to know that I'm not the only one out there with issues. From what I've read from you so far, you have a wonderful way of putting your thoughts in your head into words and out there for the world to read. I know that one day you'll come threw to the other side of this. But for now, you have people who are listening and supporting you right here.

Your in my thoughts.

Posted by Nicole | May 2, 2007 03:49 PM

Chantal

It's like Chair said, it can be hard to read your blog - but only because it's hard to sit here on my hands and not be able to do anything ... but I'm listening.

I knew you would say you didn't deserve it and I'm so glad that people disagree.

I love you.

Posted by Chantal | May 2, 2007 04:38 PM

Chantal

It's like Chair said, it can be hard to read your blog - but only because it's hard to sit here on my hands and not be able to do anything ... but I'm listening.

I knew you would say you didn't deserve it and I'm so glad that people disagree.

I love you.

Posted by Chantal | May 2, 2007 04:38 PM

jerusalem

I agree with Chantal about sitting on my hands. So badly want to come to Canada and HUG you tight! You should check out Alison at http://chinos.wordpress.com - she is a member of the "mom of 4 club" too and super cool.

Posted by jerusalem | May 3, 2007 05:13 PM

Ada

Thanks for that, Jess.
Being considered a "thinking blog" is the only kind of award I would really want for my writing.

I think for me, you are a "thinking blog" because you've opened up some lines of communication between me and many of my friends. I'm one of those "put on your big girl panties" kind of people but only because I am well trained to suck it up and soldier on like nothing's wrong.

This isn't a great tactic (for reference, you'd have to have known me last summer) but through your site, I'm more open to the fact that not everyone can/should/wants to wear big girl panties all the fucking time.

So I cut more slack and I listen more. So I suppose, in essence, you are more than a "thinking blog" but a "listening blog" as well.

Posted by Ada | May 3, 2007 07:18 PM

Skye

I wanted to nominate your blog for the Thinking Blogger Award too, and I did mention you in my blog, but without identifying you, as I knew you were going through a more difficult time than usual and might not want the extra attention. But, yeah, you do deserve that award.

Posted by Skye | May 4, 2007 11:01 AM

marian

That was a very thoughtful, sane post. xoxo

Posted by marian | May 5, 2007 05:52 AM

Best Buys!