making this cold harbour home

you know what? i think that a lot of people might not know what would make them happy if asked. you get the fun of paying attention to those things when they happen, or when they come to you. and then pursue it.
i guess i am saying it's okay to not get too hung up on giving an answer to the question as it is looking for one yourself.

Hey Jess,

you have entered the realm of the psychiatrist. My shrink asked me the same questions. He asked me to try and imagine a time when I was happy. I couldn't. It made me sad and embarassed. I couldn't think of one single time, could not even imagine a time. Could only stare at the floor and shake my head, and mumble an incoherent I can't.

I wound up in the hospital. There the nurses asked me the same thing, adding, what will make you happy? How do you even begin to answer such a question. When you are at a loss to remember a time when you were ever happy, the possibility of determining what will make you happy is unfathomable.

Such difficult questions Jess. Please don't be too hard on yourself about being unable to answer them.You aren't alone in that respect.

I think not knowing is just a chance to really start exploring and see what the "you of today" sees as happiness. It's like a clean slate.....well a clean slate with some pointy edges, but a clean slate nonetheless. This whole process is so draining and makes you feel so isolated with your feelings but you seem to be doing a great job (although I don't know you personally). Keep hanging in there.

I think the answer to that question is just so big that we feel we're asking for the world by answering it.

Glad to start seeing you use some capital "I"('s) again. You are a capital I. Take care, Love Christle

I wish I had easy answers for you.

I hate trying to think deeply about things (because that seems as though it would help find clarity and peace) only to have the doctor say "stop ruminating!"

I think that as mothers and wives/partners we spend so much time thinking of others' happiness that we neglect our own to the extent that we don't even know what happiness would look like any more. For instance, when I get the chance to go to a bookstore by myself (about once a year), I should revel in that experience. Instead, I'm on the clock, making sure I'm not late to get back to my family (even though they're probably not thinking about me). I forget how to enjoy myself and am working on remembering/relearning how to do that.

It's almost impossible not to feel overwhelmed by such a big question. Think small. Think about the small daily joys that add up to something bigger, like a good cup of coffee and a smile or hug from your kids, or a few hours sleep and how that makes you feel.