the shape of destiny

I'm not sure what to say. I'm lost in this place where i have sliced myself open top to bottom for you.

Here i am. Easy, lost and free.

I have this little button ----> there to your right. My family is in financial crisis. It goes well with mental crisis. I went to buy easter eggs for my kids egg hunt and found insufficient funds ring up on all my bank cards and declined on all my credit cards.

I would really like to go to blogher, but the ads won't cut It. So, I'll only mention this once, but if you find yourself so inclined or curious to meet me - please help me with that blogher button.

Humbled i am.

I am having trouble beginning this life again. I am very depressed. To the point that every single day sits daunting in front of me, every night.

Nights are my problem. Nights are when i call crisis lines and ambulances. But, know what? The day comes and it's all okay. I have kids and school and play dates and laundry. And softball!

I am doing my best. My best is not good enough yet. I still want to curl up in my bed. Have my mom cook and clean, kiss the kids as dad heads them off for school, wake up late, welcome children home and retire back to bed.

Life doesn't work that way.

Shane has been amazing. I have to give him every possiblethankfulness for that. I can see and feel the worry pouring from every inch of him. I am just not me. He knows that. I am a walking, talking jess - missing the life that made me who i was. Frustrating, joyful, fun, maddening, loving.

I am waiting for my new medication to work and the effexor to leave my body. I have dizzy spells, which sometimes have to do with wine, but often just hit me out of the blue where i tip over like a drunken hussy at 2am. (Which, happily for shane, i have been known to be.)

I'm just not sure if this is my body or my brain anymore. I'm not sure who i am or who i'm supposed to be.