songs i can sing by myself

I have been having a tough few days. A tough few months. I guess, it's coming up to a tough year.

My new medication isn't really helping with the depression. My anxiety is fine. But, i feel low. Very low. I am afraid. Afraid that this is what it will be like forever. I try not to think about it. To let go of it.

I think a large part of it is the therapy. I guess this is the long road. It just seems so fucking unfair that in order to feel better you have to feel worse. Opening up to strangers. Telling them all your dirty little secrets. It's unsettling. Talking for an hour, then left to deal with the backlash of emotion that comes in the days following.

I know i need to take better care of myself. I need to eat better, sleep better. I should get out in the garden that is exploding in my yard. Amazing how all those flowers come back. Every year. Each day when we come home from school, as the kids pile out of the car, we stop and look at what has grown in the past twenty four hours. We stoop down to smell the blossoms. Pointing out the colours. Choosing our favourites. Eliza inspects her fairy house which sits amongst all the blossoms. She tends to it every day. Re-arranging the house and the little rock path leading up to it. Leaving them gifts. Wondering when they will leave her another note.

We have these moments. These perfect moments. All the time. I hope they will remember them.

Not the days like today where i hid in my room all day. Sleeping. Thinking. Avoiding. Blaming it on my sore throat and cough. When in truth i couldn't face the day. I couldn't face them. I want them to see me. Not the me i have become.

Posted by Jess at 11:25 PM Permalink

Comments (7)

Skye

You are right. With therapy, you almost always DO have to feel worse before you feel better. Feeling worse is a sign you're making progress on the way to feeling better, so try to focus on that progress as a hopeful sign. And keep going the best you can.

Posted by Skye | April 22, 2007 05:59 AM

fidget

I am right there with you. It wasnt so long ago I was riding this very same rollercoaster, thinking the same things. Medication failed me miserably but therapy helped once I was able to be ok with opening up. I hope it helps you too

Posted by fidget | April 22, 2007 06:53 PM

Bulldog

Ouch. You hit me on the nail. I hope to God that my kids remember all OUR good times too. They've cost me a fortune!!!

Posted by Bulldog | April 22, 2007 10:41 PM

Elizabeth Pickup

I hope today is a better day for you.

Posted by Elizabeth Pickup | April 23, 2007 02:56 AM

Yayagirl

Jess...you are helping yourself, that is doing best for you and your kids so try to keep that in mind. it does hurt, ALOT before it gets better. I am finding that out for myself right now. i've never struggled like this, not like this. i know what you are going through, you are not alone. someone told me on my blog that the kids will also remember you healing and helping yourself and will have watched you become happy again. they will see you whole again if you just keep letting people help.

Posted by Yayagirl | April 23, 2007 07:33 AM

LetterB

I have not tried pharmaceuticals (yet) but therapy has helped me learn how to cope with both my anxiety and my depression. So even though it still comes I am able to cope and function on a level that I never was able to before therapy. Before it was all about denial and self-medicating. Now I can deal (usually, i'm not perfect) in a pretty healthy way. I wish this outcome for you. It has taken me about 5 years to get this far. I still see my therapist regularly and I am still working on it.

Posted by LetterB | April 23, 2007 08:13 PM

I'm sorry for the bad days. My hope is that soon the good days will begin to outnumber the bad and that time will stretch further and further between them.

Posted by TB | April 24, 2007 02:18 PM