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April 03, 2007

road to joy

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When i was released from the psych ward at the hospital my doctor told me of two stories.

The short long road. And the Long Short road.

He told me he was giving me the short long road. Meaning he's was giving me the short road in the hospital as long as i promised to follow the long road to recovery. He said there was no shortcuts, no dead-ends and no cul-de-sacs.

I have one chance.

And then the long short road.

"You see these people you've made friends with?" he asked me.

"they have been here a long time."

"there is no way out for them."

"When we let them out the short road leads right back here. Or death."

"do you understand? this is your chance. i left you here for five days without privileges for a reason. have you learned that reason?"

I guess i did. There was a man i met. He was bi-polar and committed to starting his life again. He went out every single day for 5km walks with the activity coordinator, then he was driven to the gym. He would work out for 1/2 an hour and then come back for dinner. I would watch them. All the people allowed to leave walking up and down the sunny street to the hospital. This man i met, his medication made it impossible for him to sweat. So he had to watch his exertion and his fluids. On friday he went to the gym and passed out. His heart rate was nearing 180 BPM. He was brought back by ambulance. Taken care of somehow, and brought back to the ward.

He paced the halls for hours.

A funny aside about him was that everything was confidential.

"Where do you live?"

"Confidential."

"What gym do you go to?"

"Confidential."

"What's your real name?"

"Confidential."

Anyway, he was all set to go home on his first overnight stay in preparation for release from the hospital sometime in the confidential future. He was very worried. Because of the gym incident. But he paced. And he paced. And then he packed his bag and he left after dinner.

He never came back. He killed himself at home that night.


Posted by Jess at 10:33 PM Permalink

Comments (17)

I know you can be okay. (And only JUST okay. Hell, aren't most of us JUST okay?)
I'm hopeful.

I think you have to believe you'll get better. It's the doubt that pulls us down and drags us under. I'm keeping you in my thoughts.

Hi Jess,
I took that short long road out of there and six years later I am better-fine-i will not be back there, ever. But it is a hard road and you need help to navigate it. My main support was(is) a wonderful therapist. I couldn't have done it without her. Don't be afraid to ask for what you need- to ask for help.Do you have someone like that?
If you want e-mail support, I am here.
What you are trying to do can be done. There are successes out there, too, not just the failures like "confidential".
Keeping you in my heart. Hug those kids!
Grammacello

where does the time go? i look away, i blink, and you are in crisis by the time i get back.

not that i would have been able to help, but still. damn.

i'm sending much love and super hugs to you, your babies, and your love, and hoping for the best possible outcome for all of you...

Well I hope this man's family at least knew enough to sue the drug company and the doctor who treated him for wrongful death!!!! Anyone knows that constant pacing is a drug reaction called akathisia and is a sign of toxicity that can lead to suicide quickly. That should have been caught by professionals! There is no excuse for that!

And I don't know what you are doing in there. Most are in there due to going psychotic on an antidepressant - but they don't want patients to know that is what has happened because then they will understand that slow withdrawal from the drug will make them "well" again. I see it all the time and have over the last two decades that I have specialized in these drug reactions. Yale estimates that this is happening to at least a quarter of a million people a year and project the real figure to be MUCH higher than that stating that doctors do not recognize that the medication has caused it. My neighbor became so manic trying to come off Prozac too quickly that for five months he thought he was an ambassador to the Queen of England. Then taking only one Effexor after than threw him into six months of believing he was a Scotish Crown Prince. He has been on disability for ten years now for bipolar disorder. But he has NEVER taken any drug since and has never had another episode of mania. He uses only a few natural things I shared with him and watches his diet and sleep. Getting well is NOT as hard as they want you to believe it is!!

Dr. Ann Blake Tracy, Executive Director,
International Coalition For Drug Awareness
www.drugawareness.org

May you have the strength to walk the short long road with grace and dignity.

Thinkin' 'bout you!

Deanna

I have to admit that I didn't manage that double for you last week, but I did hit two singles. Does that count? And I started a double-play from my second base position. That's a "double" thing.

Thinking of you and wishing you peace.

I know you will be okay. If you don't know it yet, I will know it for you until you can.

Jen

All the luck in the world to you. I hope each day is a little brighter, and you look up one day (not too far from now) and realize you're doing just fine, thank you very much.

Your doctor sounds like a good one. I wish you all the best on both the short long road and the long road to recovery.

My heart goes out to that man! Its so sad.

I pray you take care of yourself. The road to recovery may be a long one but it will be the most rewarding road you ever walked.

Anonymous

My mother suffered from such illness after her fifth child and was on and off different medications the rest of her life. She was extremely violent when she was ill, not to us children but to others, always thought someone was trying to hurt her children. She once stabbed my father in the back with a kitchen knife in front of us children as he was carrying the baby to bed, almost killed him… she thought he was a stranger stealing her baby.

This illness affected her off and on again from the mid sixty’s until she passed away a few years ago. It was a horrible childhood lived in fear, stress, shame and secrecy… such illnesses were not spoke about back then. NEVER ONCE did the medical professionals of the time think to console us children; the adults received all they needed. I guess it is because back in those days children should be seen and not heard. Now a days society is more accepting of such illness and from what I have read the medical profession is as concerned about the children as the adults during these traumatic experiences.

I sympathies with anyone who suffers or has a loved one who suffers and as an individual who has first hand experience on the matter make sure your children are consulted as well, I can guarantee they have questions and emotions about what is happening. I realize that my mothers’ illness was on the extreme side but I think that most people underestimate the effects such things have on the people around them.

I ran away from home at 15 years old not long after I found her bleeding to death on the bathroom floor one morning, and stayed away for years.
As tough as it was for all of us kids dealing with this throughout our lives and the effects it had on us, I do believe our lives would have been worse had I not saved her life that morning so long ago, because when she was well she was a beautiful, caring and good mother… and grandmother.

Please do your best to get well… for the people you love and who love you.

Anonymous

My mother suffered from such illness after her fifth child and was on and off different medications the rest of her life. She was extremely violent when she was ill, not to us children but to others, always thought someone was trying to hurt her children. She once stabbed my father in the back with a kitchen knife in front of us children as he was carrying the baby to bed, almost killed him… she thought he was a stranger stealing her baby.

This illness affected her off and on again from the mid sixty’s until she passed away a few years ago. It was a horrible childhood lived in fear, stress, shame and secrecy… such illnesses were not spoke about back then. NEVER ONCE did the medical professionals of the time think to console us children; the adults received all they needed. I guess it is because back in those days children should be seen and not heard. Now a days society is more accepting of such illness and from what I have read the medical profession is as concerned about the children as the adults during these traumatic experiences.

I sympathies with anyone who suffers or has a loved one who suffers and as an individual who has first hand experience on the matter make sure your children are consulted as well, I can guarantee they have questions and emotions about what is happening. I realize that my mothers’ illness was on the extreme side but I think that most people underestimate the effects such things have on the people around them.

I ran away from home at 15 years old not long after I found her bleeding to death on the bathroom floor one morning, and stayed away for years.
As tough as it was for all of us kids dealing with this throughout our lives and the effects it had on us, I do believe our lives would have been worse had I not saved her life that morning so long ago, because when she was well she was a beautiful, caring and good mother… and grandmother.

Please do your best to get well… for the people you love and who love you.

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