i will be grateful for this day

Ah, screw 'em. You don't have to justify yourself to anyone.

Oh Jess,
Its always hard to hear the negative things.
Someone else's opinion...is just that...their opinion. They are allowed to have it. It doesn't have to define us, even if they let it
Be good to you.

Oh Jess,
Its always hard to hear the negative things.
Someone else's opinion...is just that...their opinion. They are allowed to have it. It doesn't have to define us, even if they let it
Be good to you.

I was here yesterday and read one of the comments that probably made you feel the need to justify yourself.
In therapy and during the deepest depression I knew, the therapist told me that the one thing that will keep me going is the responsibility I have for my family, and that they will remember during the darkest times that I still functioned for them.
Now out of the depression, on the other side, I see how it may have hurt them. Certain things about them are different. But they are ok.
So will your kids be.
Who cares what people say about you? Only you know the depth of your despair, and how hard it is to pull yourself out of that quagmire. Anyone who doesn't experience depression can't possibly relate. You don't have to justify it to anyone.
I hope I encouraged you. All the best. I keep reading, keep pulling for you.
Terra

I think if someone has not experienced honest to goodness depression first hand, they are just not going to get it. Don't expect them to. Work hard, get better and try to have a good life. Get better for yourself, your family and no one else.

I used to get upset when people told me to stop going on about my own misery and be grateful for all the great things I have. Now I just realize it's either because they have never faced such misery themselves, or else they have and they don't want to acknowledge it even to themselves. Some people just don't understand that you can be grateful and miserable at the same time.

I am not that other Denise just so you know. I agree with whoever said that if you have never been there As in depression then you dont know what the hell it Depression feels like. I want to slap that person who said thank god you dont have a terminal desease!! Shut up!!

Hugs Jess. I know that I haven't commented in awhile, but i have been lurking.

Aww hugs Jess

I know what you mean. Last time I went through a pretty major depression, I had people criticizing my parenting, too, while knowing little about my parenting other than that I was depressed.

I lost a friend because when she asked me how I was, and I said "still depressed", she totally ripped into me for not being on depression meds. Went so far as to tell me my kids should be taken away. On my birthday, no less. She was a nurse and figured she knew better than my counselor, my psychiatrist, and my doctor.

And I know that the reason it got to me so bad and made me so defensive was because of my own self-doubt. Nothing anyone else said would affect me much if I didn't at least halfway believe it myself.

As another point, though, I think "you have no control over depression" and "you can just get over it" is a false dichotomy. No, you can't just get over it, and advice on the order of "just cheer up already" is not helpful. But I know that I used to get very defensive when people told me I had control, because I certainly did not have *that* kind of control, when actually they were (perhaps in not very helpful ways for me at the time) just meaning that I (and only I) *did* have the power to take the steps, get the help, do the work, and, over time, make the changes. Which of course I *knew* all along.

I also know that I have never been able to come out of a depression until I reached the point where, on the deepest level, I *decided* to be happy. I mean, reaching that point never just cured anything, it still took a lot of work from that point. But up to that point, all the work I was doing was uphill. On some level, I was -- and I still do this to myself, and struggle with it all the time -- holding on to beliefs that blocked me from getting better. Such as that I don't really deserve to be happy, or that being happy would somehow validate bad things that had happened to me, or that my feeling bad would cause something to change (and being happy would constitute giving up hope on that).

The hard part is after you ferret out the beliefs that are blocking you, *convincing* your subconscious that they are false beliefs. I'm still looking for a way to convince my brain of those things permanently.

-- Angi

It is such a hard thing to comment on, we feel your pain, understand the depression and the need for meds and evaluate your "filters". I have dealt with depression too and do find that self talk about false beliefs is so helpful. There are parts of this that we can help ourselves with, trying to stop the "mind nazi" that tends to take over our thoughts is such a challenge. I respect your asking for help from your blog, someone might say something that really helps. You WILL be OK.

...I think the biggest misunderstanding about depression is that a person has control over it...

I am so guilty of this.
And I am so sorry for it.

I'm sitting and listening and have nothing to say.
I wish I could help and don't know how.

All I can do is listen. And learn.

I hope I didn't add to the negativity.

My sweetie has had to fight terrible depression. I would have done anything to help him escape it.

It was so obvious that it wasn't something he was choosing.

One thing that seemed to help him and me was the idea of taking each day as it came, a sort of one day at a time/12-step thing, that was what I was going for with my comment. Just because it was helpful for us doesn't mean it would for anyone else, so again I hope I didn't add to any negativity.

I know when I am feeling shitty having my "blesssings" pointed out to me just makes me feel like an ungrateful shit full o'shame. So I was stunned to see some of that in the comments below.

Depression is a disease with many health complications, it can feel like a terminal illness. When you have depression you can feel like you are dying.

It's hard.

xo to you Jess

Having suffered from depression for as long as I can remember (and have been treated for it for the past 13 years near succesfully) I so hear you.

Coming from a depressed home growing up all I can say is show your kids all the love you can and remind them that if mom is down it has NOTHING to do with them. I sure could have used that reassurance growing up.

Having not read your blog until today I have no idea how you parent. Just hoping you find brighter days ahead as I have. It IS possible.

J
you are going to be okay.
not fine and super for a while, but okay.
and eventually fine.
people don't understand loss.
loss of life or loss of will to live.
you don't have to justify yourself. but you might want to moderate comments if you feel invaded.

You don't have to defend yourself to us. We're on your side.

again. i get you. i will never judge you. i will never question your parenting. ever. i understand jess. you're an inspiration to me and probably many of your readers with depression. i keep going cause i know you are and because you have DOUBLE THE KIDS I HAVE! LOL :)

sending the big love from down south. you have a hard job. but you are fucking good at it.

Jess
I’m the same guy who posted an anonymous reply to one of your posts a few weeks ago, the guy with the mother who suffered through most of her adult life, the mother who could become violent when ill.

There is no rhyme or reason why such illness strikes some individuals later in life and ignores others, including siblings. I do believe that a combination of circumstances builds up and than one particular event ignites the fuel.

My mother was a beautiful, intelligent, good spirited person before she became ill, after her fifth child she slipped into depression… they have a name for this but it escapes me at the moment. I did not even notice she was ill until she went to the hospital four months after the baby was born. She spent three days there and returned with a hand full of drugs to take. Her next journey into darkness came within a few months and she was more than depressed, noticeably out of reality, so they gave her different drugs to take. She had two more episodes that year and each time she received different drugs. Not only did the medical profession not understand other family members thought she just wanted attention. When she slipped over the edge and became violent, only than did others take her illness seriously.

I’m not a professional… well maybe I am since most of my life was spent dealing with this illness in my family, not the medical details or terms but living it.
I’m becoming a believer that the drugs they gave her for that first bout of depression did something to her. And we all know now that the medical profession is not as professional as they clam to be, they prescribe drugs not because the MD prescribing has researched them but because of the perks they receive from the pharmaceutical companies. I now wish there was a way for me to obtain her records.

Please be careful of what you ingest and try to research these drugs yourself.

I would like to close with the words “stay well”, but I know how hard those two words are to achieve.

Peace!

Hey Jess!

I have found your blog at last. It is great to hear that you wrote the crazy people musical after all! I have finally been released from that madness. Six weeks of unending drama. Six weeks that I will never forget, and strangely that I am grateful for. Taking the long short road may have been the harder route, but I certainly don't plan on ending up back on the fourth floor.

Perhaps that is the message we ought to take away from our shared experience, to cope on the outside, or to end up back on the inside.

Freedom has never tasted so sweet, and the lack of supervision, free of camera's makes me realize how thankful I am of privacy.

Today life is sweet.

My wish is that some day you can see past the "shoulds" and into the truth. Sometimes tears mean healing, as painful as they are.

I hope today that you take the time to realize how wonderful you truly are. How even at the moment of your release, when the thought of leaving was all consuming, that you took the time to write a letter to Garrett and I. How important that really was, at least to me.

Thank you for sharing in that madness, and helping to keep me sane, for even a short while. When all else fails, you can always speculate and plan an escape!

Take care, keep fighting,

Jess

Jess, Your words ring so true and you are so honest. Thank you for bringing honesty to the topic of depression and motherhood. It's about time that someone did. Just know that every word you write I, as a woman and mother, have either thought myself or relate to. Know that you are not alone.