I've been trying to sleep. I went to bed at 9 hoping for a good rest. Rest. It just will not come.
As i lay there watching parker sleep softly beside me i couldn't help but feel the terrible burden of such perfect beauty. These children of mine. I am so afraid of being a disappointment to them. I try so hard to face each day as a new day. A day that has the possibility of being better than the one before.
In 2007 i have had pneumonia, a friend killed himself, i broke my tailbone, i was hospitalized, i totaled my car. I was talking to someone about it all. She said i had angels flying around me. Keeping me safe.
I suppose that may be true. It doesn't feel like it late at night.
As i wander the house, quietly shuffling from room to room, watching my gaggle of kids sleeping quietly under the glow of little nightlights i whisper in their ears little promises. Promises of love. Of safety. Of the best i can. Sorries for boring days full of rain and no energy for puddle jumping. Sorry for short tempers. Or worse, sorry for nothing, the joy that has been sucked from me by medication and sadness.
Toby made the connection between depression and my friends suicide. He has been worried. We spent an hour after dinner sniggling in bed, taking turns tickling each others backs. Practicing our new signal for "everything's okay" - a kiss on the forehead. That's a lot to ask of a seven year old boy, but he gives me those kisses every single day now. They keep everything okay. Parker too with his hundreds of kisses smack on the lips and eliza's sly little "i love you mommy's" that come at every unexpected moment. And tristan, listening to her giggle in her bed, talking to herself about her day.
So, i guess it is okay. I am doing the best i can. I just wish it felt a little better. A little more real.
Posted by Jess at 11:12 PM Permalink
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There is a quote which has helped me many times:
"Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foriegn language. Don't search for answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the question now. Perhaps then, some day far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer" Rainer Maria Rilke
I hope this helps.
Posted by Elizabeth Pickup | April 17, 2007 04:09 AM