Therapy day.
It's exhausting really. Trying to be truthful. But you have to trust someone to be truthful. It takes time i suppose. Right now we are in the "getting to know each other" stage of our relationship. My therapist, my case worker and me.
They sit and ask me many, many questions. Sometimes i talk for a long time. Today we talked a lot about the kids. The different demands and challenges of each of them. I could see it in their eyes though. That question you all are thinking too. "What the hell was she thinking having four kids?"
I was thinking of love. I was blinded by love. The moment each of my children were born i felt a deeper and stronger sense of the meaning of love. The kind of love that you only read about. The kind of love that makes you wake up in a panic in the middle of the night because the mere thought of something bad happening to one of them had skipped through your heart while you were sleeping. The kind of love that makes life worth living. The kind of love that you want to be constantly surrounded by.
And so we talked about my children. How my love for them overshadows everything. Pushes me to the brink of exhaustion. That love is what is driving me to such sadness, yet at the same time pushing me towards a better, stronger future.
Posted by Jess at 09:19 PM Permalink
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Hi Jess. I started reading you a little over a month ago, read all your archives and you were my first blog addiction. Hard to believe that I had never really explored this bloggy world before, but you were my gateway drug, and now my tiny first-time mom world is so much larger. Thanks for that. I know you think one-kid moms are kind of pussies, and I can't disagree. But I don't wonder why you have had four. We are the same age, and I wish now that I had many more years to have babies. I would have at least four if I could.
One of the reasons I was afraid to have kids was because of my mom's depression. She made several attempts at suicide when I was little. I suffer from depression, too, currently unmedicated. My husband is the 'tough-love' type, he travels a lot and works very hard doing something he loves. I completely support all that, but it's hard. I don't know what I'm going to do next with my life. I have morbid thoughts every day about losing everything that I love so desperately. Conversely, those thoughts make me so grateful for each beautiful moment I share with my daughter and my husband and my (few) close friends. I hope for myself, and for you, that the beauty can surround the darkness, overwhelm it, make it small and insignificant. I know that all the creatures who depend on me deserve to see more beauty than darkness. So do I, so do you.
Posted by amy holiday | April 18, 2007 11:19 PM