when you're with me baby

So, that's that.

I'm on an Adam Sandler kick having watched "Punch Drunk Love" last night and "Reign Over Me" today. Both, probably a fitting way to close out what will forever be known as the hardest week of my life.

I have spent so many hours in counseling this week that my brain is weeping out my eyes and my heart is broken into millions of sharp shards. Each one causing me to double over in pain whenever i think about it.

I met with my new psychiatrist for two exhausting hours on friday. Everything i ever thought about psychiatrists was proven wrong by this very kind man who coaxed every little rotten, horrible secret out of me.

We talked about my life. My whole life. All the little things, moments and events that seemed insignificant at the time but added up to a gigantic mountain of grief and ended with him saying;

"my god, i feel depressed just having listened to all of that, no wonder you're such a hard shell."

Best of all? He told me it wasn't my fault. I didn't do anything wrong to become who i am. I have made mistakes. I haven't asked for help when i should have. But, goshdarnit i'm a good person.

And, i'm not bi-polar. We're just not buying that.

Instead i fit into these three intertwined circles. The first, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Social Anxiety Disorder, the second, Seasonal Affective Disorder and underlying depression, and the third, personality (my life.)

I need to concentrate on five things - food, sleep, exercise, fun, and medicine and moderation (go together.) On the medicine front i am continuing on 75mg of Effexor for two weeks while i introduce Cipralex - 5mg to start then 10. I also need to eat and i need to sleep. Exercise and fun are starting next week with the beginning of softball season. I need to moderate and wean off clonazepam and exercise moderation in alcohol.

And so? And so that is where it all begins. Again.

I will see my psychiatrist every two weeks for the next few months. And? And i am never going to emergency again. Did i tell you they wheeled in - right next to me - a guy who had just slashed his arm open elbow to wrist one inch deep?

What a week.