I have been here since 10pm wednesday on a 48 hour hold. After so many visits to doctors and emergencies and failed calls to crisis lines i was fed up.
On tuesday night afetr not being able to get through to the crisis line for an hour shane called an ambulance. At 4am the doctor released me with nary a worry that i had no ride home or way to get home. I sat alone in the waiting room begging every janitor and security guard for a quarter to call home.
Finally, i took a risk that my credit card would work and headed home in a taxi. By wednesday evening at 9pm i was huddled in the corner on the deck in tears, dreading and fearing the next day. We called a friend to come watch the kids and shane brought me into the hospital again. I was at the point where i could feel myself, without a doubt, in a crisis.
In the waiting room it is impossible to communicate a mental crisis to the triage nurse unless you have (a) overdosed or (b) say "i'm going to kill myself if you don't let me in there." I didn't do either and was placed in the chairs behind a long list of other people.
As time wore on something in my head, and i can't tell you exactly what, got incredibly tired of the back and forth of bad help, bad medicine and bad feelings. And i began to overdose on my clonazepam. I started taking them four at a time. I had this stupid idea (and if you are reading this and on the verge of suicide or have suicidal thoughts it was a really fucking stupid idea) that i would just take them until they took me into the back room. I guess it took awhile and i just appeared drunk. I don't really remember. I don't remember anything.
I remember waking up in the morning, on the psychiatric ward, no clothes, no shoes, no outside and a very angry psychiatrist who won't talk to me. He tried but i was still all woozy so he stormed out giving me no priviliedges till monday.
Shane just snuck in my laptop and i managed to find two lines of wireless in a back corner, but my nurse caught me with it and i fear it will be gone soon. Except the schizophrenic lady is having a really bad night and keeping everyone busy.
Thanks for all your thoughts,
jess
Posted by Jess at 05:44 PM Permalink
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Jess, I am so sorry. I hope everything evens out soon so that you can get back home and healthy again.
Posted by Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah | March 30, 2007 07:06 PM