there will be no moon

I am feeling like i have no home. Like my heart has no home. I have lost it. I have lost my heart that beat happiness and joy through me.

For awhile i found happiness. For a short while i was happy. The thing that made me happy has gone.

I feel lost.

I wander through my days.

When i am with my children. When i am at the school doing cartwheels at recess. When i am playing catch on steep grassy hills with my kids and their friends i feel alive. I feel happy.

It's the moments in between. The nights. The hours while some are at school and parker and eliza and i try and fill our time. I am aimless. Lifeless. I have nothing anymore.

Shane tries so hard. He tries hard. He works hard. He has visions of wealth and happiness.

I have visions of a man who kisses my head when it aches. Who takes the time to just hold me. Who thinks i am everything good. Who understands that sometimes just sitting. Just smiling. Means more than a million nights side-by-side on the couch watching tv. That a tender touch on the cheek. That the small things bring my heart back to me.

I want my heart back.

Posted by Jess at 09:14 PM Permalink

Comments (7)

blackbird

What should I say?
You are weaning OFF medication?
Are you taking another?
I am hoping you are not letting Shane try to read your thoughts - I am hoping you tell him the things you tell us.

I am HOPING I am not too bold to write all this to you.
I am using the voice I use with Oldest.
Two weeks ago I reminded Oldest that he has an illness and that it requires medication and that it is an unbearably long road, but that he has people who love him around him and we will help.

I'm hoping.

Posted by blackbird | February 24, 2007 05:22 AM

Debbie

PLEASE do not take yourself off medication unless you are going on another--with the help of a doctor. Find a psychiatrist to help you with this--it's what they DO.

Help yourself, help your family and find the meds that work right for you. Don't give up!

Posted by Debbie | February 24, 2007 05:59 PM

Chair

I would send U mine if I thought it would help. It's big enough for the both of us.

Posted by Chair | February 24, 2007 07:47 PM

Scattered Mom

I found your blog through Dishpan Dribble.

I really can understand what you're going through, since I also have lost a close friend to suicide. I found that nobody really understood unless they've been there themselves.

I wish that I had some profound thing to say or words of comfort. All I can say is to take care of yourself and give yourself lots of time to process what has happened. It took me many years to come to terms with my friend's death, and many more to accept that I couldn't have done anything to stop it.

The pain never really goes away. It just isn't so acute anymore.

Good luck (hugs)

Posted by Scattered Mom | February 24, 2007 07:57 PM

Renee

I'm thinking about you, Jess.

Posted by Renee | February 25, 2007 06:08 PM

Tricia

Seek and you shall find.

Yes??

Believe it to be.

Posted by Tricia | February 25, 2007 08:14 PM

Deanna

Do you have time to be something other than a mom - even for just an hour a week? (I don't know what your childcare arrangements are.) I learned in my ex-marriage that hoping for someone else to complete you is wasted energy. Can you find something that brings you joy, that's all about you and not the kids or your husband, that you can enjoy for a few hours a week. My place is softball. What's yours?

Posted by Deanna | February 26, 2007 08:18 AM