perfect mix

I think i have magically stumbled upon the magical cocktail of drugs.

When i was at the doctor last week i asked her for more clonazepam. She hummed and hawed, said it was normally not given out after so many months on effexor but she would give me 40 to last six months.

When i went to the pharmacy i got 90 with two refills. I have been taking one in the morning and one at night. Now judge me however you feel. But, i have been sleeping really well. I have been calm and happy during the days. I have done laundry, kept the house clean and gone on adventures with my kids.

I have even been able to give parker a little bit of tough love which is paying off.

Things are going well. I am enjoying my children. Marvelling at how much they have grown in these five months i have been asleep at the wheel.

My god. How did i do this? How did i create such fabulous, dynamic creatures. They are beautiful, wanting of nothing, but love and fun. They are smart and creative. They are drawn to me like velcro, yet happily entertain themselves for an hour while i have a nap.

I am being restored. I can feel it.

My instinct is to use up this clonazepam to wean myself off of effexor. I'm really scared of it's side-effects. I like to abuse my liver with red wine, not synthetic drugs. I like not being anxious all the time, but i still have panic attacks which are supposed to be gone at the dosage i am on. I don't want to try other drugs. I've tried all the old school ones and now i've tried effexor.

I just don't know.

A question i will ponder over the next while, while i just let myself feel human.

xxoo
jess

Posted by Jess at 09:20 PM Permalink

Comments (11)

Chair

**SMOOCH**

So happy for you, hon.

Posted by Chair | February 12, 2007 09:43 PM

denise

aww thats great!!

Posted by denise | February 12, 2007 09:57 PM

jenijen

yes, very happy for you. also, spring is coming and that counts for a lot

Posted by jenijen | February 12, 2007 11:15 PM

blackbird

I feel like I'm walking along-side you...

Posted by blackbird | February 13, 2007 04:45 AM

mamatulip

This is good news. :)

Posted by mamatulip | February 13, 2007 05:25 AM

lori

I'm so glad that you're getting some relief. Such good news! I know it's difficult to navigate all of those drugs and their side effects. I have friends who've gone through those challenges. I hope it continues to get better and better!

Posted by lori | February 13, 2007 07:01 AM

Woman with Kids

It's amazing to realize that under all the nagging and colds and making lunches and wiping bums and such, they are brilliant little creatures. I'm glad you're feeling better.

Posted by Woman with Kids | February 13, 2007 07:42 AM

jstar

several years ago i had a BIG run in with the ol panic attacks and a bigtime depressive episode. i went on paxil. they also gave me xanax to get me through the white-knuckling part of going 'onto' the paxil. well i never wanted to kill myself before i started the paxil which really made me want to die. it all stabilized for a while except i was still having panic attacks. the xanax was the only thing that helped. figuring that out, i just ditched the paxil (slowly weaned myself)...because well, what was the point if it wasn't working? the xanax brought me down off the anxiety ceiling and allowed me to feel and be normal until i came out of the episode and didn't need it. you've probably found the same thing with the clonazepam. the benzos slow your brain activity enough so that your brain can remember how to feel and 'be' normal. i'm glad you found something. no judgement here. benzos saved me.

Posted by jstar | February 13, 2007 11:27 AM

Renee

So glad to hear that, Jess. I got chills reading about how everything's turning around. Yippee!

Posted by Renee | February 13, 2007 01:07 PM

kilowatthour

i love me some benzos.

Posted by kilowatthour | February 13, 2007 07:19 PM

Chantal

I don't share it much, but I've been on Concerta for a few months. Amazing difference. Much like yours. There's no shame in doing what we need. Love ya.

Posted by Chantal | February 15, 2007 11:03 AM