a long way down

I woke up this morning in a fog, thinking did i really write that last night? Are things really getting better for me?

And i looked at the clock. 7:47am. Shane? Gone. School starting in 33 minutes. Must feed four kids breakfast, make four lunches, makes sure all clothed and teeth brushed (screw the hair). Most important, and before any of that, must have coffee.

Close eyes for a moment.

Yes! I really wrote that and this doesn't stress me out at all. Who cares if we are a little late. Why not let the kids pack their lunches while i shower? Brilliant.

And so those 33 minutes passed peacefully, everybody helping or watching tv quietly and we were backing out of the driveway at 8:31. Arrived at school five minutes late. Happily.

Kisses and hugs for all.

Now, i'm not saying that things have changed overnight. I have struggled long and hard to come to a place where i even felt a tiny bit happy and okay in this world. Where i could force myself to smile inwardly, all the while hating myself for making this beautiful life so difficult.

And things will still be tough.

I have many burdens on my back, bad habits and old habits that i fall back on. I haven't really eaten for several days. The clonazepam does that to me. I haven't really noticed yet because i am using up my winter stores first.

But. But! It is valentines tomorrow and my marriage may be up and down and rocky, but i can tell you that i am deeply in love. And happy to have him.