say goodbye to wanting

Read this.

It has been haunting me. Mocha sent it to me.

The idea of being able to say goodbye to an emotion, a longing, a feeling that is tearing you up inside.

It may not be tearing you up, it may just be a haunting doubt. Or just a doubt.

Similar to what i said before. Is this what my life is going to be like? Walking along this road, frustrated by the different paths that your life and your spouses have taken. When did we come to that fork in the road? When did our want's become different? When did it become okay to treat me like a doormat? More importantly when did i let that happen?

At what moment in time, i really want to know, did i let go of caring. Of voicing my rights as a human being? Of being treated with respect. Not respect - love?

Was it when i gave birth? When i was so vulnerable, when i let every defense down because i had to birth a child. Am i that gross? Did i really lose all sense of self-worth then and pour myself so completely into my children that i lost every single little bit of backbone i once had.

Why is it that now, when i need help the most, when i want a life back that i am losing the tug-of-war. That everybody just wants me to "make it all go away."

Make what go away? Me? I am sad. I am unhappy.

I want to say goodbye to sad. Send it out the door.

I have had enough of you. I have had enough pain, insecurity, anxiety. I don't need you.

"But you do need me. I am you. Without me you couldn't write. You couldn't be so honest. You could never love."

Well. I don't know.

Do i want to say goodbye to you? You bring up a good point. I am who i am because of sadness. I have fought you through children and marriage and love and drugs.

And yet, you are still here.

My roomie that just won't leave.