He's toothless and far beyond perfect. My parker is taking me on a preschooler hell-ride. He is the most stubborn, rage-prone, affectionate three year old i have ever loved.
He screams at me, hits me, bites me, punches me - every single day. I feel at a loss. I feel like the most pathetic parent on the planet.
And really? After three other kids shouldn't i know better by now?
But. But, i have never dealt with anything like this. They are all so different.
Maybe i am vulnerable right now. Well, yes, i am vulnerable right now. But, when my three year old screams he hates me and is going to punch me if i don't give him exactly what he wants right now, it just makes me sad. Sad that he feels things so strongly at such a tender age. Sad that he is so emotional. Worried about what he will be like in a few more years.
I am fine. Weak, but fine. I am immobilized by my body. I didn't menstruate for ten years. And now i am so weakened by my late 30's reproductive system that it is nearly killing me. I can feel the life flowing out of me.
I have never been one of those women that was struck by PMS or pre-PMS or whatever you want to call it. I am tough and i have always taken everything in stride. But my body does strange things that i don't understand now that i am of advanced maternal age.
Anyway. *uncomfortable pause*
I have been focusing on positive things this past week. Little moments, gestures, seconds in time that i hope and wish for my abused brain to store in it's memory.
Last night the school had a coffee house fundraiser. Tristan and her kids' marimba band performed. They were incredible. I have never been more proud. My daughter doing something so well, something that i could never do. It was inspiring.
I was watching toby at school last week ( i had a two hour "team" meeting about him and was very focused on him). He is so loved by everybody in the school it amazes me. I have never been loved in that way. Kids from kindergarten to grade seven are happy to be around him. To play with him. He is adored and it warms my heart in a way i never thought possible.
Eliza lost her first tooth today. She swallowed it. She was so proud in a way that only a shy kid could be. Just a subtle smile to everybody around. An invitation to notice "hey! there's something different here." She has grown taller. I was watching her at swim lessons today, she is bigger. More beautiful. Those dimples and that little strawberry blond bob - she makes me swoon.
And parker. Aside from above. He rubs my back when we are in bed. He leans over and kisses me the most perfect kiss when i don't expect it. He is polite and exuberant. He is cute as hell. And he is mine.
They are all mine.
And i love them.
They make my life worth living. More than worth. They make it perfect.
Thank-you for the break.
Posted by Jess at 10:34 PM Permalink
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Good to have you back...
Posted by blackbird | January 29, 2007 04:36 AM