i can see a lot of bright in you

I have been reading through my archives from last year and the year before that and, even, the year before that back on livejournal. Reflecting.

One thing i know for sure. All this writing has made me a better writer. A sense of unique style that has been refined over the years. I feel confident now in the way i write. I understand what makes a post, or a chapter, good. What people are interested in. This blog writing is an incredible exercise. If you watch stats and comments consistently - patterns develop. Good, or original, writing is rewarded. I have never filled my inbox with comments. That's not really what this is all about and we all know that.

Don't get me wrong. I love feedback and comments. But i also understand that it is hard to comment on things that are so intensely personal.

Right or wrong, i feel like this is the world's little window into my life. In an intensely and personal way. I have no qualms about what i write. I have no problems with how much i share, i have a line in my head and that makes me feel okay about all of this. It has been very hard on my family. I am proud that i stood my ground and chose to keep this blog over doing what my family wanted.

If i gave up that would be saying that i am doing something wrong here. I believe i am doing the opposite of that. I am sharing personal details of a personal struggle that many people deal with in one way or another. I don't fool myself into believing that i am helping people, i don't want to help people. I just want to let you know what it's like being me.

Being me is hard.

And maybe? Being you is hard. I understand.

This is my way of saying i understand.

I understand that you can love your kids and be happy and laugh through your days, yet be immensely sad at the same time.

That living is hard, no matter how blessed we may be.

And so? And so i am beginning another year and kicking myself in the ass for ever thinking that one night on a stupid calendar was going to change everything.