I woke up this morning on the sunny side of the bed.

It is a beautiful, sunny, frosty day. The weather has been most wonderful for almost a week. We have spent hours playing at the school in the afternoons. The kids are happy. I am happy to see them happy.

The nights are beautiful. The almost full moon illuminating the clear skies. I like to sit alone in the chilly night air basking in the glow of the moon.

And so? And so today i am going to blog my day. A reminder to myself that life is good. I am a lucky woman.

January 31, 2007

7am - shane and eliza out of bed.
7:10am - toby out of bed
7:23am - jess and parker out of bed
7:45am - shane in shower, tristan forced out of bed.
8:15am - tristan, toby, eliza and shane off to school and work.
9:10am - jess and parker in shower together.
9:47am - jess turns up this song and dances with parker.
10am - parker watches bob the builder while eating a bowl of mini-wheats.
10:02am - jess cleans up kitchen, turns on dishwasher, collects many loads of dirty laundry from upstairs, hauls them down, turns on first of many loads.
10:13am - jess and parker in car, off to tim hortons for a coffee for jess and a treat for parker, then off to school for kindergarten pick-up.
10:14am - score! shane forgot his wallet which contains $20 that is now in jess' pocket.
11:30am - kindergarten over. hook up kids with parents.
11:35am - parker and eliza play in sand while jess plays with toby's class on the field.
noon - $10 gas pumped. two happy meals from mcbarfy drive-thru. $20 spent.
12:19pm - home. happy meals smothered with ketchup.
12:20 - feed marmalade.
12:21 - unload dishwasher
12:26 - change laundry, fold first load.
12:45pm - check voicemail. return three phonecalls - two parents with concerns and principal about re-enrollment. Remember need to make dentist appointment and call house insurance. Forget about this walking from kitchen to playroom, now remember.
1:11pm - kick eliza off computer, damn webkinz. check email. i need viagra.
1:12pm - brush teeth, check laundry - not dry.
1:15pm - back in car, off to grocery store. will write check, payday tomorrow. Then to school for 2:20 pick-up.
2:30pm - chat with parents while kids play.
2:40pm - swing on swings with parker and eliza
3:00pm - short meeting with principals
3:42pm - walk down to pond beside school to see if we can skate on it. Yes!!
4:07pm - home again.
4:11pm - fix snacks for kids - cheese buns, apples and dry cereal.
4:19pm - fold laundry. load number four on.
4:29pm - check email, phone school confirming prices for out-of-school care and preschool program beginning next year.
4:31pm - take dogs out for short walk.
5:00pm - start dinner - sausages, wild rice and ceasar salad.
5:11pm - change and fold another load of laundry.
5:29pm - 18 minutes on the phone with school about various things.
5:48 - open bottle of cider and drink it in front of my kids
5:49pm - kids running naked down street because i am too drunk to notice.
5:59pm - shane's home. Early!!
6:12pm - dinner
6:14pm - kids done dinner.
6:28pm - jess and shane do dishes, kids upstairs.
6:31pm - another load of laundry, last one in drier.
6:31pm - kids get into jammies. more laundry to do tomorrow.
6:40 pm - talk to shane about his day *yawn*, my day *same old, same old*, the new shins album and the new modest mouse single.
6:47pm - go upstairs and dance to abba with tristan
6:56pm - play "store" with toby, eliza and parker, buy back all the things they stole from my room.
7:07pm - get parker into bed, read stories - if i could drive a dumptruck and maisy drives the bus - sing songs - itsy bitsy dumptruck, ballgame and twinkle twinkle little stoplight - turn out lights.
7:47pm - realize it's me snoring beside parker.
7:49pm - check email, phone friend. Going out for beer with friend! Must stop at coffee shop in lake for cappuccino first.
7:51pm - feed dogs, feed cat, turn dishwasher on. Shane putting other kids to bed.
7:51pm - forgot to call dentist. crap. go upstairs brush teeth.
7:54pm - phone board member regarding fire safety check at school. fix hair and face while talking.
8:11pm - dash to store to get chocolate for shane, must be his time of the month.
8:27pm - drop off chocolate.
8:54pm - stop at school photocopy a few things for other board members, put in their mailboxes. Log on school computer, check email, update post.
9:07pm - leave for pub. stopping at bank machine first. Shane paid us today. Yippee.
9:08pm - shit. forgot about groceries in car. At least it's freezing out.
9:27pm - in the parking lot. no friend.
9:28pm - friend calls. husband not home from fancy chef job.
9:30pm - play with cell phone. update contacts.
9:40pm - call friend. husband still not home. tell her i am going home.
9:41pm - stop at beer and wine store. buy some hermanns.
9:55pm - home again. give shane beer. watch last few minutes of the sopranos while folding last load of laundry.
10:01pm - the groceries! run to van, unload groceries.
10:10pm - get kids stuff ready for all school swim tomorrow. get lunch bags ready for packing in morning.
10:11pm - shane says i look pretty. someone wants to get lucky.
10:50pm - shane goes to bed. jess is tired. shane gives me a kiss and a goose.
10:51pm - goodnight. let dogs out. lock dogs and kitty in playroom. brush teeth, wash face, put on anti-wrinkle cream. lay in bed not sleeping. goodnight good day.
11:00pm - still up. didn't go upstairs yet. check AIM, nobody there. go outside admire moon. the sky is so clear, the moon is so bright. perfect for full moon soccer. listen to new shins album, very good. read novel in progress. must work on it. tomorrow night.

Sometimes while the kids are playing or when we are having a really good moment, or a particularly fierce one i sit back and realize that my kids are all creating memories.

The thing about their memories is i can't control what they remember, what little hurtful thing i may say, without thinking, that they will remember forever.

What will their memories of me be?

What are my memories?

Everytime you compare a child's memory of an event to a parents - the two stories are different. The feelings around them. Both are often surprised by how the other remembers an event.

I have talked with my parents about things that i remember that make me smile and things that haunt me.

One in particular is my summers away from my family. My mom often sent me on adventures with other families. Adventures of a lifetime. But, i was (and still am) an introverted child. I always wanted to be at home. I didn't even like birthday parties. So, my mom remembers sending me off to places, some of which she had never even seen, excited for the memories that were being created for me.

When i think about and remember my summer holidays i think of feeling desperately alone and homesick. Longing for my family. Longing for the routine of home.

I remember being sad.

He's toothless and far beyond perfect. My parker is taking me on a preschooler hell-ride. He is the most stubborn, rage-prone, affectionate three year old i have ever loved.

He screams at me, hits me, bites me, punches me - every single day. I feel at a loss. I feel like the most pathetic parent on the planet.

And really? After three other kids shouldn't i know better by now?

But. But, i have never dealt with anything like this. They are all so different.

Maybe i am vulnerable right now. Well, yes, i am vulnerable right now. But, when my three year old screams he hates me and is going to punch me if i don't give him exactly what he wants right now, it just makes me sad. Sad that he feels things so strongly at such a tender age. Sad that he is so emotional. Worried about what he will be like in a few more years.

I am fine. Weak, but fine. I am immobilized by my body. I didn't menstruate for ten years. And now i am so weakened by my late 30's reproductive system that it is nearly killing me. I can feel the life flowing out of me.

I have never been one of those women that was struck by PMS or pre-PMS or whatever you want to call it. I am tough and i have always taken everything in stride. But my body does strange things that i don't understand now that i am of advanced maternal age.

Anyway. *uncomfortable pause*

I have been focusing on positive things this past week. Little moments, gestures, seconds in time that i hope and wish for my abused brain to store in it's memory.

Last night the school had a coffee house fundraiser. Tristan and her kids' marimba band performed. They were incredible. I have never been more proud. My daughter doing something so well, something that i could never do. It was inspiring.

I was watching toby at school last week ( i had a two hour "team" meeting about him and was very focused on him). He is so loved by everybody in the school it amazes me. I have never been loved in that way. Kids from kindergarten to grade seven are happy to be around him. To play with him. He is adored and it warms my heart in a way i never thought possible.

Eliza lost her first tooth today. She swallowed it. She was so proud in a way that only a shy kid could be. Just a subtle smile to everybody around. An invitation to notice "hey! there's something different here." She has grown taller. I was watching her at swim lessons today, she is bigger. More beautiful. Those dimples and that little strawberry blond bob - she makes me swoon.

And parker. Aside from above. He rubs my back when we are in bed. He leans over and kisses me the most perfect kiss when i don't expect it. He is polite and exuberant. He is cute as hell. And he is mine.

They are all mine.

And i love them.

They make my life worth living. More than worth. They make it perfect.

Thank-you for the break.

Dear jess,

Why do you hate me so? So little sleep. Cap'n Crunch for lunch? The beer, the wine. The coffee, my god the coffee. Ever heard of water?

I am giving you a warning. Cold, cold sore, cough, dry skin and acne. Let this be a lesson.

Your body.

Dear body,

I don't hate you. I'm even happy with you. I just hate myself.

No.

I hate my life.

No.

I am having a bad week and i am taking it out on you. I will try and do better.

Yours truly,

jess

** Taking a little break. **

Parker is fine. Toothless, but fine. It was much, much worse for me than him.

See you in a few days.

A few months ago parker bit me. I pushed him away and his tooth chipped.

On tuesday morning he is going to have dental surgery to pull out the now dead tooth. He will be sedated.

This is the fourth time i will have to watch one of my children put under anesthetic. I am dreading it. It is like watching them stand beside deaths' door. Their little bodies totally unconscious. Then walking away, out of the operating room. It is the longest, hardest march to that waiting room.

I realize that these are minor surgeries, minor things. It doesn't matter when it is your own child. Every risk is one to be weighed and measured. Agonized over.

I would have left that dead tooth sitting there, despite how it makes me sad every time i look at it and think about the circumstances that caused it, but it causes him some pain and it could, possibly, affect his adult teeth.

I don't like taking risks with my kids. I do, however, like them to take some risks. To try something new, to try something that frightens them, to try and eat something green.

All of this to say i am a little nervous. A little scared.

Parker encompasses all of me. He is all the good parts and all the bad parts of me. I love him limitlessly.

That was the view from the balcony of our chalet. The chalet was incredibly affordable. You could ski in/out from it, it was packed with kids toys and videos, it comfortably slept all fourteen of us. Amazing.

We did lots of playing. And zooming. And various rosy cheek inducing activities.

<

There was also plenty of this:

and this:

and of course this:

Home again, home again.

I don't want to be home. The phone ringing. The problems. The work to do.

The best holiday ever.

My favourite part? Aside from the snow, and fresh air, and friends...

Toby skiing fast and furious, coat tails flying in the wind.

Parker break-dancing to "clap hands" by beck.

Hot buttered rum.

I am feeling sad to be back here in my life. Not ready to face the daily grind. But, i have photos to upload. Memories that have been made. Next year to look forward to.

I love you chalet9 and mt. washington.

I'm sitting here enjoying the mild ache of muscle pain that reminds me of all the fun i have been having.

Skiing has been incredibly fun. Just like riding a bike, everything came back in just a few minutes. The kids took one lesson each and have been flying down the runs ever since.

Toby has surprised me the most. He gets off the chairlift, pulls his goggles down and takes off straight down the hill, coat flying at his sides (he refuses to zip it up, but that's another story.)

It really feels like another world, like i have left all my worries and doubts behind. I feel content. Happy to watch memories being created for me and my children.

I could live here.

We are up on beautiful Mt Washington. Sharing a lovely chalet with lovely friends.

Looking around at the kids laughing, rosy cheeked, i know that these are the days that good memories are made of.

The drive up was incredible. In and out of small island towns. The terrain changing from rainforest to clear cuts. Then coming out of the mist and driving the sixteen kilometers up the mountain where the sun was shining and the snow was deep enough to bury a house.

After a wonderful dinner we went outside to toboggan. Screaming gleefully down the trails between the chalets.

Now the kids are piled three high in the loft. Quiet whispers and giggles flowing down into the living room.

It is going to be a great week.

How do i love thee?

Let's count the ways....

It is delurking week.

I am feeling fragile. Much more so than in many months. The people i need to love me aren't loving me.

In fact, they are smacking me in the face and only apologizing under extreme warnings of "i'm going to count to three...."

Tell me what your favourite late night snack is.

Mine?

The forbidden peanut butter and jelly (my mom's homemade raspberry jam) sandwich.

Please show me some love.

Just a simple

xxoo

would do.

xxoo
jess

My state of mind is slipping.

I am overwhelmed.

I am in love with this new little kitty i have. He cracks me up. His wide open paw and arm attacks on everything that comes around the corner. His purr. The way he climbs the screen door beside the dinner table at night while we eat. The way he is sitting here now, hanging off the top of the monitor, chasing every letter i write.

My house is a mess. Actually and figuratively.

I just can't keep up. The demands are overwhelming. I don't talk about the kids school much. Because? I don't want you to know about it. But i am the president there. I work more hours than most of the paid staff. I find it very satisfying. And i think i do a good job. It gets me out of the house. Out of this headspace. But, sometimes? It is very tiring.

I feel a juncture coming. A crossroads.

I feel like i have made no progress. That this winter is proving to be as hard as any other.

I think i need to go to las vegas for the weekend. And meet you there. We could sleep. We could get a massage, i've never had one.

Read this.

It has been haunting me. Mocha sent it to me.

The idea of being able to say goodbye to an emotion, a longing, a feeling that is tearing you up inside.

It may not be tearing you up, it may just be a haunting doubt. Or just a doubt.

Similar to what i said before. Is this what my life is going to be like? Walking along this road, frustrated by the different paths that your life and your spouses have taken. When did we come to that fork in the road? When did our want's become different? When did it become okay to treat me like a doormat? More importantly when did i let that happen?

At what moment in time, i really want to know, did i let go of caring. Of voicing my rights as a human being? Of being treated with respect. Not respect - love?

Was it when i gave birth? When i was so vulnerable, when i let every defense down because i had to birth a child. Am i that gross? Did i really lose all sense of self-worth then and pour myself so completely into my children that i lost every single little bit of backbone i once had.

Why is it that now, when i need help the most, when i want a life back that i am losing the tug-of-war. That everybody just wants me to "make it all go away."

Make what go away? Me? I am sad. I am unhappy.

I want to say goodbye to sad. Send it out the door.

I have had enough of you. I have had enough pain, insecurity, anxiety. I don't need you.

"But you do need me. I am you. Without me you couldn't write. You couldn't be so honest. You could never love."

Well. I don't know.

Do i want to say goodbye to you? You bring up a good point. I am who i am because of sadness. I have fought you through children and marriage and love and drugs.

And yet, you are still here.

My roomie that just won't leave.

Parker has been sick most of the weekend. Running an alarmingly high fever and throwing up. General malaise.

He has also been the very sweetest little boy in the world.

Last night as he was starting to feel a little better and had managed to keep down some tylenol he looked at me earnestly and said;

"Momma?"

"Yes, parker?"

"I don't love you when i'm sick."

"How come?"

"I just feel too barfy."

"That's okay baby. I always love you."

And then he leaned in and gave me a kiss on the end of my nose.

Marmalade wants you to know that i have been writing hard and well.

A large post is coming.

Until then have a fabulous weekend.

I am having a bad day.

A very bad day.

I have nothing to say.

Actually i could spew forth a billion words filled with sadness and hate and rage.

But, i would just feel bad afterwards. Instead.

Listen to this song

It is my song.

It is the song i hope people listen to when they think of me.

Is it me? Is it hard living on the cusp of middle age?

Is it just the complete lack of time. The kids running every which way. The career i gave up. The husband who doesn't really like you all that much. The two lives which were once so similar, but now so different.

Is it that he has never taken the garbage to the curb?

Or the recycling?

Or brought them back in.

That he puts his dirty dishes in the sink instead of the dishwasher.

Or throws his dirty clothes on the floor beside the laundry basket.

And leaves his disgusting beard trimmings all over the counter and sink.

Or is it that he complains about the house being a mess.

I have been reading through my archives from last year and the year before that and, even, the year before that back on livejournal. Reflecting.

One thing i know for sure. All this writing has made me a better writer. A sense of unique style that has been refined over the years. I feel confident now in the way i write. I understand what makes a post, or a chapter, good. What people are interested in. This blog writing is an incredible exercise. If you watch stats and comments consistently - patterns develop. Good, or original, writing is rewarded. I have never filled my inbox with comments. That's not really what this is all about and we all know that.

Don't get me wrong. I love feedback and comments. But i also understand that it is hard to comment on things that are so intensely personal.

Right or wrong, i feel like this is the world's little window into my life. In an intensely and personal way. I have no qualms about what i write. I have no problems with how much i share, i have a line in my head and that makes me feel okay about all of this. It has been very hard on my family. I am proud that i stood my ground and chose to keep this blog over doing what my family wanted.

If i gave up that would be saying that i am doing something wrong here. I believe i am doing the opposite of that. I am sharing personal details of a personal struggle that many people deal with in one way or another. I don't fool myself into believing that i am helping people, i don't want to help people. I just want to let you know what it's like being me.

Being me is hard.

And maybe? Being you is hard. I understand.

This is my way of saying i understand.

I understand that you can love your kids and be happy and laugh through your days, yet be immensely sad at the same time.

That living is hard, no matter how blessed we may be.

And so? And so i am beginning another year and kicking myself in the ass for ever thinking that one night on a stupid calendar was going to change everything.

Welcome 2007.

I hope this year is a good year.