Christmas Oratorio

A friend reminded me tonight of the Christmas Oratorio by Bach. You should listen. It will bring you back down to earth.

To a peaceful place where simple things make you happy.

Where gifts become more about showing and giving love rather than the physical, plastic things that cost more money than they are worth.

Where a little cat becomes such a lifeforce in your home in a few short days you wonder what life was like before they were there. Before they sat on the "l" key. Screwing up your typing over and over.

And i'm sorry. I love dogs. I love animals. But, cats are much, much smarter than dogs.

But, they have smelly bums. Which they like to point out at every opportunity. Like right now. In the middle of the Oratorio, walking across my chest. Tail up.

I am in the middle of making a christmas video. I have been viewing tape of the christmas party. I have mucho footage of me drunk dirty dancing in sexy dress and bare feet. Plus sexy husband singing "I'll melt with you" and "Hungry Like the Wolf."

We are so eighties.

I am doing well. I am learning to live in this life. That life, well, maybe it's just hard. That everybody has a tough road to walk on. That maybe the choices i make are not always the right ones. That i need to accept and love what i have. That i need to let go of the past that haunts me so. That maybe, just maybe, life isn't this hard for everybody else. That, indeed, i need help.

But then? This is who i am. I see the beauty in so many small things because i can't feel beauty and happiness in the bigger picture.

This is why i was so scared of taking drugs. Why i have fought them every step of the way.

I am who i am. I have always been sad. I remember being sad when i was three. But i also remember the smell of the soil when i was three.

I remember wanting to die when i was five. But i also remember the beauty of a single tree. The moss that grew up it's side. the way the branches dipped with age. The way in fall it was barren, but in spring it would be reborn again.

I can see all these things. My children being born from beauty and sadness. How much i love them. Fill every inch of my being with them. How despite every single thing i do, they are their own person. Tristan is musical, toby is creative, eliza is strong willed and parker is too young to be anything but beautiful.

I feel so inspired. I am going to finish my novel. I know it now. I will listen to this music every night.

Can you be an artist and never paint or draw a thing?

Are words art?