a sad sloppy mess

And so i am wondering why i am ending another week on a low note. What is it about fridays that makes me want to curl up in the fetal position, turn on Band of Horses, and cry myself into a deep, long sleep.

I have no answers.

Please accept this little tidbit from my NaNoWriMo book in exchange for a pass on any more navel-gazing on my part. Actually, this is navel-gazing at it's finest. These words may be slightly familiar to some of you.

Don’t we all feel sad sometimes? Aren’t the struggles of life overwhelming for all of us? At least some of the time?

At some point though I feel like my path changed. That I took one small step off the same highway that all the other people I know walk on.

I wake up in the morning, I make my kids lunches. I play with playdoh. I sit with my family for dinner every night. I make love to my husband. All the normal things.

But, I do it all with deception. With a heavy heart. A sad heart. Without honesty. I can see the beautiful things. I can appreciate them. My brain is just so sad, so filled with doubt and anxiety. Missing all the things I have never done, will never do.

Yet somehow you find yourself at 37. Underwhelmed, confused and depressed.

I have twenty-two short stories to tell you. Twenty-two stories that will explain how I came to be here.

A mother of four children.

Alone in the world.

Posted by Jess at 04:38 PM Permalink

Comments (7)

Karianna

*sniff*

I want to read more. And yet I wish you weren't going through such sadness.

Posted by Karianna | November 3, 2006 05:53 PM

blackbird

We will be here.

Posted by blackbird | November 3, 2006 05:57 PM

LetterB

Me too. What they said.

Posted by LetterB | November 3, 2006 06:36 PM

kilowatthour

sooooo with you.

Posted by kilowatthour | November 3, 2006 09:53 PM

Renee

It's such great writing. I want to read more too.

Posted by Renee | November 4, 2006 11:46 AM

Claudia

I found myself in that state earlier this year, at the age of 40. (Not that I had left this state yet.)

I guess it's the beginning of a process that should lead us to a better understanding of ourselves. Through motherhood, we have changed, our lives have changed in a manner that we were not able to foresee. Our view of things, our attitude may have changed... or just been adapted to the circumstances. For a long time, we were happy to meet the demands of other people, especially our kids. And when they've grown to a certain age you come to wonder if life may have passed YOU by. Was that all? What became of our wishes? Isn't there more to life than this? There surely is. We just have to get a hold of it...

(I know it's easier said than done. I'm often sad although I say to myself that I should be thankful for what I have (so why feel sad?). That guilty conscience doesn't make it any better or easier to take. We don't feel well. That's a fact. Something very important is missing. It may be painful to find out what it is. But it's necessary to find out, for our own peace of mind.)

Hold on. We're with you.

Posted by Claudia | November 6, 2006 01:30 AM

Cyndi

Wow! You put on paper what is in my heart and head. I know my gifts, I know their beauty - why then do I always feel as if something very important is missing??

Posted by Cyndi | November 7, 2006 08:29 AM