this is it, the truly great thing

I am still feeling better. I need to know that.

In the past few months i have been plagued by so many confusing thoughts. Thoughts on love. On children. On death.

When i was in grade 12 i saw a 12 year old boy die right in front of me.

We were walking home from school. The same path we walked morning in and afternoon out, day after day, and rainy vancouver month after rainy vancouver month.

The man who hit him? He had been out drinking all night and all day. It was 3:00 in the afternoon in an affluent suburb. We were a line of children walking home to our "little box houses."

I was next in line.

There were actually two of them. Two twelve year old boys. One died. One was sentenced to a life in a wheelchair as a two year old. I'm not sure which is worse.

Anyway, at the time i couldn't understand why a man would be drunk in the middle of the day.

He was drunk because his wife had left him. He was heartbroken. He spent the next 15 years in jail. Living with the knowledge that he killed a boy before his life even started. Not to mention the other boy whose loved ones lives were altered completely that day.

Now that i am older, and have loved, i have more compassion for that man. I can understand, but not forgive, the actions that led him to that day.

So, i have been thinking about my life. The things i have seen and done. The points in my straight line of life that have taken a sharp turn. Every turn making it harder for me to see straight. The small comments, the large events. All of them.

I am aware with my children of every word i say. Every hug i don't give. Every "i love you" i don't say.

These are all moments that could be turns in their lives.