No, i didn't figure out my camera. I returned it and bought a new one. If you are a Mac user, buy Canon products. Endorsement free.

I have taken a break from talking about me.

My life has been busy.

I am doing well. No sleep. Food? Going down okay. Except now i am obsessed with my weight.

This should really be in bullets shouldn't it?

I am in the middle of getting an official diagnosis for toby so that i can access some well needed grant dollars. I am more than sad and confused by this decision.

But, the more i talk to his teachers, therapists and the principals at the school, the more i understand that there is something there.

But, there is also something about labels. Speech therapy is one thing. But, a son who is still not completing his grade one learning outcomes, is falling behind in other subjects, is harder to handle and generally letting us know that something is up. That is a whole other thing.

I am so worried about putting a label on him. It is fine now. Or it would be fine in our current school and situation, but, he has the rest of his life after that. The decision i make now could very well change the path he takes.

It is harder than i can say to take this step.

And that is all i have to say today.

enjoy!

As toby got in the car to go to school this morning he looked down at his feet, in sandals! but, that's another story, and shouted:

"Oh my god! That is evil!!!!"

"What?" I asked him looking down at his feet.

His toenails had been painted blue.

"You painted your toenails?"

"NO!!!"

I looked over at tristan and she is covering her face to hide how hard she is laughing. She painted his toenails while he was sleeping, knowing he insists on wearing sandals.

We gleefully walked into school telling everyody to look at toby's feet.

As it turns out i am not a luddite. Future Shop, even after i asked, sold me a $1000 camera that is not compatible with my computer.

Stupid future shop.

Stupid sony camera.

Someone searched my blog for dumbstein. I love that word and plan to use it daily from now on.

I am such a dumbstein.

Fall has fallen over my valley. Chilly days. Short days. Dark in the morning when i wake up. Rain every night. Driving to school all the cows and ponies born in the spring look down forlornly at the dewy cold ground.

Last night i lay in bed, my heart full of despair, my brain rattling horrible thoughts.

I felt as though i needed help. I imagined checking myself into the hospital. How i could explain that to my children, the people who see me everyday.

I woke up this morning feeling a little better. A long sleep, made more easy by some clonazepam.

I am trudging through these days.

There has been a cougar in our yard. It killed all my chickens, except for three. My lovely stanley is still alive. Watching over the two last americauna hens. They refuse to go in the coop or the safety of their houses. They disappear at dusk every night. I search the yard and the trees with a flashlight. Hoping to find them. Get them to safety. I never find them. I go out every morning. Listening for stanley's little old english chatter. Hoping they are still alive.

They are. For now.

As it was my birthday recently and nobody bothered to get me anything and i was feeling depressed anyway i went out and bought myself a gift.

A very expensive gift.

A sony digital video camera with a built in 30g hard drive. Yowza.

But, and this is a question for all you apple computer superheroes, i can't figure out how to upload the video to my computer.

The camera seems to be trying to talk to my camera, but i get nothing.

Nothing.

And here i have this exhilirating five minute video of me wandering around my house and yard introducing y'all to everybody. Even the chickens. Chickens!

Can anybody help me. I feel like such a loser.

As some of you may remember last year for halloween tristan dressed up as a port-a-potty, or johnny on the spot to you americans.

She is a quirky thing.

She's just like me, never one to follow the crowd, bucking the trends. She has never had a single toy that she enjoyed. She'd rather be reading a book or hanging out with any available adults.

This year she is doing band for the first time. All the girls picked out the flute or clarinet. Her? The trombone. The honking daily practice that has ensued has tested every inch of patience i have for large ducks being murdered in my house.

She is definitely my daughter. When i started band i picked the most obscure instrument i could think of, the bassoon.

This year for halloween she is being santa's evil twin. When i was nine i dressed up as elton john's sunglasses.

I've been thinking today about my life. How my life, the little paths i take every day, are exactly the same as so many other people. People fortunate enough to live this privileged life.

What the hell makes me so sad.

Why do i have to go through this. Isn't living through hard times, bad things, bad people enough. Can't i just be happy.

I am overcome with sadness today. I am back at the bottom.

I desperately don't want to be here.

I am participating in NaNoWriMo. Perhaps this is a good mood to start my planning for that from. Perhaps not.

I am hoping this will be a rapid downward cycle. That i will feel better again soon.

I have this crazy idea. Tell me what you think.

As part of his work shane does a lot of conference calls that he records as mp3's. Making the call is free. You get an access code and call a 1-800 number. The conference can accomodate up to 50 people.

I want to start a monthly bloggy crush chat. And then post it here for the world to listen to.

I picture talking with all of you about topics like depression, medication, children, boobs. You know.

We'd have a specific topic each time and talk like internet friends do. Like people who share intimate details, but have never met or even talked.

What do you think?

I think the reason i had so much fun in miami is that i was expecting nothing. I was expecting to be sent into some hurly burly sadness and despair.

Travelling to my miami by myself was liberating. I loved running through the airports knowing that i was completely free and in charge of my own destiny. Nobody was watching me to make sure i was okay. Nobody knew me. I was just another traveller. On my way to or from some journey. Another person plugged into their ipod, desperately trying to get an overpriced wifi connection in airports across the country.

Miami was beautiful. A place so different from my home. A place where i could let go of all my anxiety and sadness for a few days.

Travelling home was painful and long - save for a visit with shane's sister, her husband and their very beautiful two month old son in toronto. I held that baby, gently swept my face across his soft and new head, and felt alive and happy.

When i got home and snuck into bed beside parker in the early morning hours his chubby little hand reached out and hesitantly touched my face and hair. Testing to see if it was really me. He sat up in his sleep, gave me a kiss and a hug and settled back into gentle snores. His head resting in the curve where my arm meets my body.

I spent the day yesterday enjoying my children. My head filling with the colds of thousands of miles covered breathing the recycled air of hundreds of people. The head cold is a small price to pay for the days away and the appreciation they gave me for this life i have and share.

Today is my birthday. I am happy to have reached this birthday. I am happy to have gone through so much mental torment this year. It has made me realize how hard this life is. How many beautiful things there are. How much i adore my family. Every cute and smelly inch of them.

I am not all better. I don't want to be portraying that here. One day, everything is all better. It doesn't work that way. The other night i had a small breakdown by the pool. I heaved the most massive tears i have ever cried. I moaned and tears flowed. Shane held me.It was the first time i have cried since this whole thing started. It was horrible.

I am seperated from my sadness here in miami. I have left it behind me for now. I am ignoring it while i enjoy this beautiful place with my husband.

Today we are going on a swamp tour in honour of my birthday. I'm totally psyched.

Oh the day i had yesterday. Before you read any further i'm going to bitch about george bush and america in general. So stop now if you're easily offended by a travelling canadian.

I arrived in chicago around 3:00 yesterday. The airport was a total zoo. Thousands and thousands of people squished into a little terminal. We had to go back through security which was an hour long snaking line-up through the airport. Then once in the terminal, with only mcdonalds and starbucks to eat, everybody was informed of 2-4 hour delays on all flights. Apparently one inch of snow in the morning shut down the whole airport.

There was no internet access. Cell phone coverage was spotty.

I boarded my flight to miami at 8:25pm. Five hours. No internet. No nothing.

Once on the plane the captain told us that the airport had been shut down because airforce one had landed. Bono and George Bush. How can the taxpayers of this country accept that kind of inconvenience and total disrespect for peoples time? What the hell do they think is going to happen if airforce one lands among the riffraff?

There were a lot of pissed off people on that plane.

I don't understand how a country can idolize people so much that they deserve conveniences far and beyond anything any of us can ever hope for. I wonder if they would shut down the airport for brad and angelina? Part of me cringes, knowing that it's possible.

In canada our political comedian, jon stewart type - rick mercer - he goes fishing with the man set to take over a political party. Then they end the segment with a skinny dip. All on national television. That's what makes canada amazing. We make fun of ourselves. We try not totake ourselves to seriously. We try to have fun.

Anyway, miami is beautiful. Miami beach is incredible. Warm, humid, beautiful ocean colours and palm trees. My 16 hour travel day is a memory already. I am enjoying a beer poolside. I feel like i've taken a step back in time to the 50's.

After a sleepless night, i snuck out of my sleepover room, piled high with my kids bodies. I kissed each of them and drove the hour to victoria as the sun came up over the mountains.

Yesterday i stepped in a mud soaked bog in my precious earth shoe maryjanes. I have been running through airports and across borders with one very muddy, still damp foot. At each security check when i take my shoes off i can't help but laugh. I'm sure i'll fit in great in miami.

I am back in the seattle airport again. It seems like yesterday i came through here travelling to BlogHer. Onwards to chicago.

I am travelling safe out of the night.

I will update from many airports.

Including, but not liited to, victoria, vancouver, seattle, chicago and finally, miami, fourteen hours later.

I am carrying all my luggage close to me, because god knows it would be lost in this hellish day of free airline tickets at the cost of many transfers.

Hopefully none of my planes will crash or fly into buildings.

xxoo

Why hello world.

I have spent a marvelous four day weekend with my children. Shane is away in that place where the streets have no name. That's philadelphia right? I hope so, because that's where he is.

Though these kids drive me crazy. They fight. They pull each other's hair out. They won't do anything happily except watch tv or play with their damn webkinz™. Single parenting is hard, but at the same time - so easy. We all sleep together, doggie pile style, in my bed. I put them to bed early, so that i can be alone with my yellow tail, and wake them up early to facilitate the early bed. I nap while sesame street is on. We walk around the block marvelling at all the colours that leaves come in. We play in the sandbox at school. Eat fast food for dinner and watch the moon come out.

Tonight we rode our bikes to a playground with a pretend fire truck. We played an hour long game of firefighters with an aircraft carrier. Parker was fire chief. Every time he shouted "fire!" tristan, toby, eliza and i would jump off and fly around the field. We played until the dusk settled and i began to worry about cougars.

Now, they are in bed. I am mentally preparing for my trip to miami. Yes, i am going. I bought a new dress. I am travelling for twelve hours thursday. I will spend 2 1/2 days at the Eden Roc Resort. Then i will spend twelve hours flying home.

I went to the doctor today. All is well. I will remain at the dosage i am at. I will get my appetite back. I am four pounds away from my wedding weight. I am going to read the alchemist. I'm sure i'm the last one to read it. But i am excited about that. Today i had a phone message from jenB! All is well.

Except the chickens. Some critter has been killing them. Scratching it's way into the coop. I have found the gross remnants of eight chickens this week. I only have five left. Poor chickens.

It's canadian thanksgiving this weekend, because we like to do everything a little differently.

This year we are not eating our own turkey. We're not even having turkey, just a small roast chicken with my four lovely children and my beautiful husband.

I have so many things to be thankful for this year. Mostly, i am thankful for effexor. The rain has started in earnest. We might get a little bit of snow at some point, but from now till may it's pretty much rain and days that never get fully light. I am also thankful that my children are all healthy, and i, for the most part have been a good mother to them.

Last night at dinner eliza looked at me with her big brown eyes wide open shaking her head earnestly;

"mom, you know what carter says all the time in kindergarten? Fucking."

Tristan and toby's jaws nearly hit the floor.

Still shaking her head earnestly, with no trace of a smirk "he does. really."

I am so thankful for those big brown eyes, the innocence of youth and the word fucking coming out of the sweetest five year old girl in the world.

I am still feeling better. I need to know that.

In the past few months i have been plagued by so many confusing thoughts. Thoughts on love. On children. On death.

When i was in grade 12 i saw a 12 year old boy die right in front of me.

We were walking home from school. The same path we walked morning in and afternoon out, day after day, and rainy vancouver month after rainy vancouver month.

The man who hit him? He had been out drinking all night and all day. It was 3:00 in the afternoon in an affluent suburb. We were a line of children walking home to our "little box houses."

I was next in line.

There were actually two of them. Two twelve year old boys. One died. One was sentenced to a life in a wheelchair as a two year old. I'm not sure which is worse.

Anyway, at the time i couldn't understand why a man would be drunk in the middle of the day.

He was drunk because his wife had left him. He was heartbroken. He spent the next 15 years in jail. Living with the knowledge that he killed a boy before his life even started. Not to mention the other boy whose loved ones lives were altered completely that day.

Now that i am older, and have loved, i have more compassion for that man. I can understand, but not forgive, the actions that led him to that day.

So, i have been thinking about my life. The things i have seen and done. The points in my straight line of life that have taken a sharp turn. Every turn making it harder for me to see straight. The small comments, the large events. All of them.

I am aware with my children of every word i say. Every hug i don't give. Every "i love you" i don't say.

These are all moments that could be turns in their lives.

I'm feeling much better. I'm feeling much better. I am feeling much better.

I want to say the clouds have parted and the sun is shining again. But, it's not that simple.

I feel more normal, more like myself than i have in months. I am feeling, i hesitate to say it, happy. I feel happy for lots of moments throughout the day.

The weather has been beautiful. Sun shining down on beautiful fall colours. The kids are happy.

When i was lying with parker tonight trying to lull him into sleep, he wasn't all that sleepy. He was trying to get me to stop pretending it was sleepy time. He asked me "would you like me to rub your back?"

In that moment i felt like i could die happy. My little son, picking up my small ways of making him happy and sleepy, trying to pass them back to me. Showing me he loved me.

I have been so unhappy for so long now. I haven't felt this much pain. Ever. Last time i was depressed i didn't have children. I had nothing to live for. There is nothing more painful than knowing that you do have something to live for, even when you don't want to.

Smiling faces in the morning, expecting care and love, are like poison to the sad heart.

I am thankful for all of you. I am thankful for all these words i have shared. I am beyond grateful for shane and my children for loving me like they do.

I am not beyond knowing that i may wake up in the morning feeling like crap again. But, i have felt good for a couple of days now.

To know me is hard.Thank you for knowing me and listening to me.

I think i've talked about pesto before. My lovely, smelliest dog in the world.

He protects me when shane is away.

I bought pesto out of the back of a pickup truck in the parking lot of a mall in victoria. Before i was married. Shane and i loved him like a child. The sure sign of a young couple destined to marriage and children is when they start to purchase pets together.

It might start with an aquarium, or a kitten. Personally, i don't think rodents count.

Pesto is 11 years old now. He suddenly has little tumors. He still acts like a puppy, but he is getting old. He is getting them removed next week and then i will know if it's cancer or something more benign.

I'm hoping for the good news to come, because my heart can't take death right now and all the discussions with children.