you don't have to be there to catch me, i won't fall

I've felt better before, but i've felt worse too. Tomorrow i double my dosage. I'm a little nervous about that as i still have these annoying aches in my head.

My heart is a little lower today. I lost five pounds this week. Not that that would be so annoying, except that i know i would feel a little better, a little less queasy and tired if i could eat.

I took the kids out shopping for back-to-school supplies today. I always try and make these milestone, turning point events, special in some way. In a week and a half eliza will start kindergarten. Tristan will be in grade four and toby in grade 1/2. Eliza has never been away from me before because of her peanut/tree nut allergies. This is a momentous thing for our little family.

She's more than a little nervous. I was too, until effexor obliterated many emotions from my brain. Now, i'm just anxious that i haven't done all the things i have to to get the school ready for her. She picked out her first backpack (strawberry shortcake), lunchbox (tinkerbell) and pencil case (disney princess). My kids have never seen any disney movies because i hate them, the movies - not my kids, so her choices were really based on what was prettiest and pinkest. And i think, fingers crossed, she's getting excited and is going to make it through this ordeal.

Parker insisted that he was going to school too ( he's not) and ended up with a "cars" backpack and lunchbag and a backyardigans pencil case. He kept saying "i'm ready to go to school mommy! without you!" When i explained to him that he would go to preschool and not to his brother and sisters school he pouted his lip and asked "what about A?"

A. is the principal at the kids school and their swim teacher. They adore him and apparently it was more important to parker that he be there than any other member of his family.

This really set parker off and as i was trying to get him into his carseat he lunged forward and bit me on the shoulder drawing blood and pulled out a big chunk of my hair all the while yelling "Dumb mommy! I don't love you!"

Normally i would let this behaviour slide off my shoulders. But, at that moment, i had had enough of fighting this week. Enough of doing my best. Just wishing that my best could be easier. That i could laugh at parker's craziness like i used to. Sad that he hurt me so much. And for the first time all week i started to cry.

I climbed into the drivers seat, took a deep breath and turned around to see the pale and worried face of my beautiful oldest daughter, tristan. She knows. She knows something is wrong. She knows when i need to sleep for an hour or more every afternoon and pay her a toonie to play with parker and lizey. When at dinner i eat nothing and walk away sadly when nobody eats what i make and all they do is complain. When all the things i used to laugh about, or shrug off make me turn away now.

I took them all out for japanese. All of our favourite. We had sushi and tempura and some cheers with icy waters to the beginning of another school year and the end of a summer full of lots of adventures.