I'm not sure if it's the combined effects of too much travel in a seven day period or i really am a freaking hick, but i feel lost in these big city shoes.
Since sunday i have been in san jose, portland, seattle, victoria, home and, now, vancouver. I do know that living out of a suitcase; however sexy it may sound, is, in reality, a boner of a deal. Some kind of
viagra enhanced, adrenaline fueled, hazy headed nightmare.
I grew up in vancouver. A vancouver that was all at once laid back, laissez faire and comfortable. My vancouver disappeared a million or so people ago. Now it is all big city. Vancouver is what i thought going to san jose would be like; the people are all at once perfectly polished, poised and perfect. (I was wrong about the people at blogher, they were just people, people you'd like to know.)
I am laid back, unpolished and prone to curse on command, or injury. This morning i proudly flaunted my new profanity, motherfucker, when i stubbed my recently broken baby toe on my mother's weights. My born again brother was all at once shocked and proud of his baby sister and
her verbosity.
I'm not sure if it's shyness or insecurity that makes me so uncomfortable in my own skin, but i do know that it is accentuated tenfold when i am not in my home.
In my home my kids can be themselves. When we are not at home i am acutely aware of how loud we are. How the five of us take up every single available sound wave in a chorus of tone deaf, speech impaired excitement. We are always turned up to eleven. Excited, happy, mad, sad - all felt independent of each other, but expressed simultaneously.
Posted by Jess at 10:37 PM Permalink
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Welcome back!
How is Eliza tonight?
These "island experiences", like this trip, that take up such a disproportionate amount of psychic time and space, are always like that for me, and a lot of people , I would surmise.Travel, no sleep, huge egos everywhere you look, politics everywhere, too- don't kid yourself, they are EVERYWHERE...And then you rushed right into another high stress scenario.Yikes!!!!
This feeling so "large" and obtrusive and noisy, and not well bred (or some such CRAP) sounds like a big, on-going family issue for you - did you try as a child to fit yourself into a space and way of being that wasnt "you"?
Your kids, (and you) are perfect the way you are! Don't forget this!!
Give them all a hug-I hope you will be home soon!
Love, Jo-Anne
Posted by Grammacello | August 3, 2006 12:05 AM