into your arms

I hope you can be happy, too. I think you're an amazing & brave woman for sharing.

((hugs)) coming your way.

It takes so much courage to write about this - to let others in on your torment.

I'm excited (and proud) of you, although we've never met - this could be the start of you feeling better and life smoothing out.

Take care -
Jess

i am sooooooooooo glad you went, as you know. is there going to be a follow up appointment? i am glad you are taking steps, but different meds work for different people. although clonazepam is sort of a coverall for anxiety, it is not necessarily something you would take forever.

i hope it helps and you CAN be happy for as long as you want. :-)

xoxoxo

It's strange, isn't it, the emotions that we feel for these strangers we feel we know so well?

I have laughed reading your words, cried reading your words, and known that reading your words changes me a little bit.

I consider you brave to have shared this, yes, but I consider you braver still to have gone to the doctor before another handful of pills is followed by a gulp of chardonnay. There's the real bravery.

I could guess that some of that bravery comes from those babies and your loving partner, and I suppose that I would be right. But you must know that much of it was already there inside of you. Be big for yourself, so you can be big for them.

Much courage to you, stranger.

I wish there was something I could say or do. I love you, though, and I'm glad you're doing what you can to make yourself better for YOU, which includes being better for your family.

I just started reading your blog, but this post took my breath away. I'm so glad you chose NOT to let this get hold of you and instead went to the doctor even though it was terrifying to do it.

You will indeed write more. I will read more. You are doing the right thing for you and your family. I admire you.

DnW

I love you, Jess. You are so brave and inspiring to write honestly about this. I think you can be happy and still have the good parts of sadness with you. That kind of quiet and wistful part that makes being sad appealing. Does that make sense?

I am really glad you went to the doctor. I've been getting more and more worried about you.

I'm proud of you. Going to the doctor is hard, boy do I know that. Admitting all of those things is hard, man is it ever. Taking the meds, everyday, that's the hardest of all. Really hard. But you can do this, because you're a good strong person, Jess.

God, how many women let me hug them even when I know I'm not suppose to? You are awesome.

I can see how hard it must have been for you to talk about it here, and for you to confess (?) it to your doctor. I'm stuck, however, on whether you should have actually told him about your blogging and the support you get from it. Part of me thinks that it's not for him to understand, but rather to know about, especially judging by its overwhelming influence in your life. He may or may not have had something to say about it. Perhaps that's something better told to a therapist (can I say that without sounding like I'm prescribing therapy?) than a family doctor.

At any rate, I hope that your next steps are solid, measured, and your prescriptions make you feel more even-keel. You know you've got a supportive community here, but in the end, we're only here: not in your your house.

I'm thinking of you today -
and hoping that you'll do better soon...

I am proud of you. You have made the right decision for your family.

I know it is hard, but I hope it helps you as much as my medication has helped me.

Oh, what a mess to be feeling so terrible. I'm glad you went to the doctor and glad you spilled your guts and, most of all, glad you're looking after yourself. You probably know, already, but Clonazepam is like a cold drink of water - it just shuts off the panic and the anxiety in *a minute or two*. It let me sleep and eat and concentrate - while the other meds (antidepressants) kicked in. Don't fear it, it's a good ally to have in your corner!

I hope you're feeling better soon. *hug*

I'm proud of you, Jess.

Hey -- I am willing to take thsi ride with you. Keep writing. Keep saying exactly what you're feeling so you know it's true and real. We'll be right here, the faceless words that really do care.

There is honor is expressing pain and despair. And I feel honored that you are sharing it out here in the cold with us.

Take the meds. Let them kick in. And then let's see where we are.

Oh, Jess - I'm so sorry you are going through this, but am so proud of you for going to the doctor and fighting. Feel free to bring us along for the ride. Like Sneadwoman, I feel it is our honor to be there for you.

Don't you worry about sharing this time with us. We're here for you, to support you. I know how difficult it is to be honest with yourself. But the fact that you did it, is a BIG step in the right direction. I'll be your personal cheerleader! -hugs tight-

It did seem like you were struggling to keep your head above water. I'm glad you are getting some help. Hope you experience some relief and can begin to feel your world expand and lighten again. You have lots of people on your side.

I'm crying. I understand the words you write and the utter pain that stabs you as you write them. You are courageous. I remember the days when everything was dark. Hang in there. I did a tour on meds, ultimately turned to a professional to help me sort out my past. You're on the right path.

Listen to these awesome women who've commented and rallied around you. Your blog is so special to me because you're so goshdarn open and honest- without, as you commented about the Mommyblogging panel at Blogher, an attempt to make it humorous for entertainment's sake. Thank you you for letting us in. You're an incredible gal, Jess, and we all love you and support you!

I, too, only just started reading your blog. But I am all too familiar with anxiety (myself) and depression (several close to me). I know it's incredibly hard to live with and try to figure out how to make it better. It's great that you're so open to discussing it here. Keep your feelings coming here and hopefully it'll aid you in feeling better.

You are doing the best you can to take care of yourself and your family, and I admire that. I know medication is scary, and unpredictable at times, but at least you now have some tools to help you get through the worst of it while your mind and your body can recover. Thanks for sharing, I hope you continue to do so.

I am so glad that you are getting some help, Jess. You deserve to feel better and to get back to copacetic. Thank you for sharing this. Once again in awe of the bravery of your honest voice.

I have never posted on your comments before, but I have been reading for a long time. I am breaking my silence to say HOORAY FOR YOU. It takes so much courage to ask for help and then to accept that help. There is no cowardice here, only bravery in facing the past, and looking to a good future. I have practically screamed at my computer in the past, wanting and wishing peace for you. I hope this is your road to finding that peace. Good for you. Good for your family. I look forward to reading posts that don't come from the depths of depression. I really, really look forward to that.

I think you are a strong person. Why are we so quick to put ourselves down? It takes a strong person to recognize that you aren't yourself and to go and get help. You realized you need to do something about it and were responsible enough to see it through. That takes a lot courage.

I would be nowhere else but here. My bookend on the West Coast.

Love you. I truly mean that.

Jess I have a big hug here for you. I am proud of you and I hope hope hope that you are proud of you too. These are the times when we need to be most proud of ourselves. It's amazing really--everything is so not okay and yet you make it through this day and the next day and the next day and the day after that too. Others have called you courageous and brave. I agree. Believe it! I am thinking of you.

*hugs*

good for you.

Sweetie, I have been worried about you too. I have been where you are,(and were) and I totally applaud your asking for help. If you want, could you e-mail me, and maybe we could talk? I have some thoughts about this that I would rather not share here with the world, that may be helpful and useful (or not, who knows?)
Sending hugs and positive energy, Love Grammacello

i hope you can be happy too. sometimes, you NEED to ask for help. you know? and that's okay. i'm glad you did. and i'm glad you're sharing. i bet you MANY people can relate to this post. hang in there. i hope you get better. i love you either way. BIG HUGS!

Your honesty takes my breath away. I know you aren't writing this just for other people, but I think this kind of real, true writing might help others more than you will ever know.

Hugs as you go through this.

Having been there to some degree, I can only assure you that the fact you can write about it (and so well!) that you are seeking help, that you are pursuing a course of treatment - those are crucial signs that you're already on your way back up. When you're at the bottom of that pit of despair, you can't even lift your head, let alone see the light overhead.

Sending white light your way.

Hey Jess, new to your blog too and am in awe of your bravery...I haven't really gotten there yet.

I have been testing the waters of NOT being on Welbutrin (an anti depressent I do like due to the lack of mega weird side effects)....I think I should still be on it and will probably do so sooner than later.

I have not plunged off that teetering precipice...but have felt and seen the black hole and been afraid.

My dh does not understand and my mom worries after dealing with her mentaly unstable husband for so many years.

You went to the doc....first good thing.
You are sharing...another good thing.
Look at all the caring people here.

Medication can suck..but it can also bring us back from the brink.

You are not alone....

You're so brave, both for dealing and for talking about it. Please know we're all with you.

The hormonal shifts that occur with pregnancy, birth and weaning can be very shocking to your system. Estradiol is known to be key player in mood regulation, though many doctors not familiar with reproductive/gynecological medicine seem unaware of it.

I know going on these meds is not the ideal situation for you but perhaps they can, at a minimum, be a stopgap for you while your hormones level out, which they likely will eventually.

In any case, I hope they make you feel better. i am very familiar with the feelings you described, having experienced several episodes of clinical depression since my early 20's. They are horrible, hopeless feelings and you can't go on like that.

My most heartfelt wish is that you will be back to your old self, or wherever you are most comfortable, very soon.

{{hugs}}

This is the first time I have read your blog and what you said almost made me hold my breath. I as many others have said have and do still experience these feelings and moments. I have been on Effexor for over five years and for the most part it has been the most effective medication for me although I do now take it in combination with Lexapro. You of course did the right thing see the doctor. Many are not comfortable with meds and their effects, but I have learned that they don't make me happy but they do help make it possible for me to do the things that make me happy. Otherwise I would be in bed with the covers over my head and my child would be watching Disney 24/7. Just because I am so familiar with the medication, be sure to take the Effexor at roughly the same time every day, it seems to go out your system fast than other meds and I will end up with a nasty headache. Hang in there and I will be back to read. May peace be with you and your family!

I'm glad you got the courage to go to the doctor. Leigh-Ann has taken Effexor off and on for years and it's done great things for her. I hope it'll work out for you. It can make a big difference.

Hugs! and Good Luck

FWIW-my DH uses those two with results that please him

sending you hugs and kisses and good thoughts! i'm eager to hear how it goes...i still haven't filled that damned zoloft rx i got...err, how many months ago was that?? god, i'm such a chickenshit. what you've said makes me want to dig it out, though, because your words hit really close to home.

take it day by day, baby. i'm here if you ever want to talk. xoxoxo!

Jess, I'm so glad you went to the doc.

I really wouldn't be so sure that the doc would find your blog and the community of bloggers to be strange. I saw a psych prior to having CJ, knowing that I would likely suffer from PPD again, and she asked about support networks in my life. I was hesitant to tell her about my PIMs - my Psycho Internet Moms, a bunch of us from Babycenter who formed our own message board and get together annually - but when I did, she was really impressed with the support we all provided each other. I feel the same way about blogging.

Regardless, I do hope that you start to feel better soon. You may not feel "like yourself" but it feels so good to FEEL GOOD!

I'm proud of you for seeking help. We all need help every now and then. Peace to you, Jess. We're thinking about you.

I just found your blog - I'm thinking of taking clonazepam or whatever. I felt like I could have written what you wrote, minus the kid part. Let me know how it's going for you...

I know you desperately want to feel better. I'm sure you're taking the right steps. I'll be thinking of you. I hope that your time away is peaceful and helpful.

{{{Hugs}}} I hope things get better soon. Thinking of you!

I just want to hug you and tell you everything will be okay. But "okay" can mean so many different things.

Best of luck on this new chapter. May it bring the happiness you seek.

My own experience with medication eventually brought me to a place where I didn't need it anymore, but that isn't to say I won't need it again in the future.

Hormonal swings, underlying chemical inbalances, stressful life events: they all mix around and cause chaos and cure.

May you find the right combination of self, support, and strength.

i'm right there with you. i just haven't found the words to write about it yet.

thank you for being brave enough to put it all down for me. xoxo

Congratulations on a monumental first step. The meds will help! We're all pulling for you...

Jess,
it is hard to feel responsible for everyone we love, it is hard as hell. You are a strong woman, much better for having faced the challenges you described and for being aware that you have to act preemptively not to go there anymore. BTW, it is very nice to have a supportive partner around these times, but credit must be given to you too for getting out of it.
Remember this: you are strong. And you are much stronger for looking for help.

Internet hug - Luciana

You made a huge step just writing about it. I have suffered from Panic Disorder, depression and agoraphobia off and on since 1993. I have been on both Effexor and Clonazepam and they both work well. The clonazepam works quickly, the Effexor will take time to build up in your system. The clonazepam is so effective for me that I can now leave the house. I used to be house bound. Good luck to you!