in the tall grasses outside

[still]awake at 5 AM
have to teach at arts camp 9AM till 3:30...TG! last day!

Q: lonely?
A: yes!
Why?
Um,well,ahhh, dunno..
Q: who are you?:
A: it seems to depend heavily on the context
General response: I get it- I mean, I get what you are saying ,not why i feel like that myself
Good stuff:lots, like you so why does it not matter at ALL at 5 AM?
Sometimes it does, tho.
from Grammacello, on too little sleep.
Q: Do you want to be different?
Q:Different in what way?
Q:What would you change?
(hug a dog- that is always a good idea!)

lonely: yes sometimes. i find myself stuck in a country where i dont speak the language properly and i have less and less inclination to learn. i am parenting one child in a cultural vacuum, with all my family and friends elsewhere. speaking to strangers in the park. i worry that she will not learn my language and instead speak to me in one i dont master. i haldheartedly continue to make work but i am underperforming, i am not doing what i should be doing, to consider myself good enough. sigh.
at other times: i forgive myself for my lazyness and ineptitude. i have fun with the girl. i make laughs and love with the man.
i try to not be too selfconcious about my comments on blogs. but sometimes i hit post and feel the fear. my spelling and grammar. my idiotic forreigners turn of phrase.
today: the sun is shinning perfectly, the girl is napping and all is well.
it sounds like you need to do something for you. it sounds like i need to do that too.

Sometimes I'm lonely. Buy usually I'm lonely for someone. My mom. It's hard to explain. And I'm not good at explaining when I'm not done my first cup of coffee.

I'm down and don't know why, too. I think I'm just a little overwhelmed with everything I need to do or should do and it's making me feel unmotivated to do anything. Not a good place to be.

I think I'm growing acustomed to my lonliness. The pain is not as acute as it was a couple of years ago. I don't know whether that's good or bad. There are few opportunites to make friends when you're an introverted at-home mom living in a new town. I've been staying up far far too late too.

but it's summer...

Why is it that bringing another person into your life, and joining this bigger club of women just makes for more loneliness? Strangest thing in the world, but being home is so isolating on so many levels. Maybe that changes as they grow? Who knows. Just know I love the work that you do and I somehow dreamed about Parker and Toby last night- a little bit frightening and stalkerish, i know. But they were just as good in my dreams as they are on your blog. Hang in there, jess!

Lonely, yes. Very much so. I'm home alone all day, every day. My husband - also my best friend - leaves at 10am and returns at 10pm. I have animals for company, but no one to talk to. My friends are all on the internet or far away. And I'm shy and anxious and very very very socially awkward and.. did I mention I overthink things?

I make tiny attempts to befriend people and have no idea how to move that even a dab further after the initial "hello!". I even feel dorky in the blog world! Lost cause, I am!

I'm sorry - were you looking to hear ALL my life's problems? I'll stop now. But no, you're not the only one and, no, you're definitely not *alone* on this..

I think that everyone is lonely sometimes. I broke-up with my partner of 4 years a few weeks ago and I am entering a whole new world of lonely and scared.
I have to say though, as a person who is scared to death of having children because I am quite certain I dont have what it takes to be a good parent, what you do everyday as a mother is amazing.

My house is underwhelming too. But I am speaking of the decor. We don't put a lot into it because of the daycare, but my house sometimes feels like it's just a house that I dwell in, to do the necessary parts of my life and in no way reflects who I am. It hasn't got my personality reflected in each room. That makes me feel lonely sometimes, when I'm here alone and it's quiet. I think that's what I need to work on. Making my house into my home. And I think in this large world with all of what everyone else is doing we all sometimes feel insignificant. Whether we stay home doing super important child raising or work outside of the home doing important work, or both, we all feel that sometimes.

know what's interesting? I feel insignificant because I'm *not* a mom and I want to be. It's like nothing else matters. I feel like that every day!

Hey you and I need a getaway. Should we get pedicures, or should we just drink a lot of Yellowtail and then call Shane to scrape us off the pavement?

xo

It's ME. Chair. Your long-lost little sister. 'Cept I think I'm taller than you, which is OK, I'm taller than all (3!) of my big sisters.

Lonely? Usually. I'm more lonely for social time and money than I am for myself. I wish I could afford to go out, especially with Ada in town, and get hosed on expensive red wine. I wish I could go to movies with the other good friends I have. I wish I didn't have to feel guilty for spending a half hour outside in the shade one evening when I should be painting. I don't have the time to be lonely and sometimes I think I need some time to myself to feel lonely.

I think living alone for 4 years gave me a good sense of getting comfortable with loneliness and now with so much to do and no money to have fun when I can, I miss the ME time. I'm must be kinda the opposite of lonely, I guess. I'm not sure which is worse.

I'm depressed and lonely, too, but rarely alone. Really I just seem to be totally pissed off ALL the time over little things. I kinda miss the mopey sort of introspective (even though it's thinking how horrible I am) depression over the edgy irritable one.

But! We will get to escape for a bit next week and that has to be good, right? Or did I just fuck it up by asking that quesion?

hi jess. since it's official delurking day, here I am. ade told me about your blog a few months ago - somehow she knew it would apply. I am fulltime at home, three kids, and nothing quite kills a conversation like that info! But I have noticed a new loneliness for me lately, and it's because school is out. No more volunteering with other moms, hanging out at the playground after school, etc. I think I miss school more than the kids do... But thanks for offering up slices of your pretty life on the island for us all to identify with. And I heartily recommend a getaway with ade.

hi Jess
I'm delurking. I'm not lonely, but I'm sorry you're feeling that way - I've certainly had my moments of feeling just as you do.....and they kind of creep up on you when you aren't expecting them. I know exactly what you mean about the blank looks when you say "I'm a Mum".
Hope you're feeling better soon.

You're right. It's not nothing. It's a lot of something...for other people. Very small people. It may nourish your soul, but...let's face facts...one's own brain tends to go "bye-bye". I've been there.

You know...if a guy were to say, "I'm a dad", the question would would still be considered to be unanswered. "Yeah...but, what else do you do?"

It's the knowledge that my brain isn't along for the ride that makes me flinch when people ask what I do.

I'm not lonely now, but I was all through my 20s and 30s and even the beginning of my 40s. Perhaps I will be lonely again — I guess I expect to. But right now I'm grateful for the respite. My wish is that you'll get one too.

Lonely is definitely on the short list of my current emotional states. Along with other such favorites as cranky, antsy, and gloomy. I have something I can point to (recently moving to a new town) that helps explain my mood but knowing that my emotions are normal is not really helping. Beer is not helping either so I am seriously at a loss.

Hi Jess,
you don't know me, I'm off in a distant land... called Oz.
It's nice to know that people everywhere and through all walks of life feel lonely and down and insignifant sometimes. But it's also nice to know that there are days where those very same people are the most significant people they can be and are happy. Moods... feelings... we all have them and all go through the ups and downs. So let me just say... don't feel lonely, we're here reading about your life and thinking it is a wonderful one! :)

I need something too and I don't know what. It seems all us moms go in cycles. We're on a high and kids are great and we're happy then we're on a low and kids drive us crazy and we're unhappy. Nice to know we're not all alone.

I've just found your blog and when I read this post I felt like crying. I'm surrounded, all the time, but I feel lonely. Also irritable and fed-up. Reaching out for something, but I don't know what. Maybe it's a phase, maybe it's something more, I'm not sure. Anyway I've really enjoyed reading here and will be back.