Sitting in the portland airport. Portland airport? I love your free wireless.

I'm really tired. Partly from staying up too late and partly from complete overstimulation. I've never been to a conference before. The prominent feel of being in a place with 700 other people who do the same thing is one of a false reality. A false sense of importance and celebrity. It's going to take me awhile to process it all. I also have to apologize for my poor spelling and grammar, the laptop i have been using is a little deficient.

After the mommyblogging panel yesterday i went to the panel "Is Your Blog a Canvas" with Mrs Kennedy, Elizabeth Perry and Ms Jen. It was the most inspiring panel i went to. I really felt motivated to try new things and take better care with what i am already doing.

Mrs Kennedy is an amazing woman. She's kind, endearing and smart. She really led the panel in a way that made it informative and interesting.

I met so many wonderful women it's hard to remember them all. I have a ton of business cards to go through and am eager to read some new blogs. I spoke with Alice a little last night and she was really sweet, but what i really took away from my conversation with her is that all of this is very important to her. She really cares about the things she says, the lessons people take from her and that people are treated fairly and with respect.

MaryBeth slept in this morning and raced out of the room so i didn't really get to say goodbye. I miss her already. I can't describe how truly sweet she is. I loved hearing her introduce herself with her cute little accent "Hello, I'm MaryBeth from Supafine."

I hung out with Jen from notcalm last night and i love her. Really, i do and not just because we both have four kids. We shared a beer and some stolen food and generally enjoyed finally meeting each other. I can hardly wait to see her again.

This morning at the airport i was bleary eyed tired and some woman stood behind me in line. And she talked and talked. I was feeling all rude because i was so tired and depleted of dialogue i could barely keep up the conversation. But then! She gave me her card and it was daring young mom! I had really wanted to meet her, but hadn't, so it felt kind of karmic that we met at the last minute like that.

Oh yes, I also went to the "Autonomy" panel with heather armstrong. She is famous for so many more reasons than just her fabulous writing. She is an amazing speaker. So poised and beautiful. She deserves every little good thing that comes her way.

I will now return, well after two more flights, to my regularly scheduled blogging. Well, i will probably let you in on a few new blogs over the next few weeks.

It was a sweltering hut of estrogen that mommyblogger room. sweetney, alice, and mir
were funny, charming and engaging. Marrit
, who led the panel (my href's aren't working i'll fix that later), was amazing. Really smart and practical.

The panel was largely, actually completely, unstructured which i found a little disappointing. I travelled all this was and this panel was the one most pertinent to me. Essentially, all the women lined up and asked a bunch of questions.

I sat beside an ad guy and he spent the whole time writing down the url's of everybody that spoke and writing little notes about them like "snarky" or "cute and funny" and his favourite "must check out!" Then him, and another ad guy in front of him, had a little freak out because ad's weren't showing up on Dooce's page properly.

I guess my biggest concern with the whole mommyblogging thing is that a precedent has been set by the "popular" bloggers that mom's are funny, full of quip. While i enjoy the funny writers, i also seek out the mothers who are honest and not always funny. They are real. I feel like the push for traffic, ads and comments is causing women to write in voices that are not necessarily their own. Nobody is funny all the time. Look at Dooce or Finslippy. The writing is so engaging because they have a balance between the snark, the mundane and the difficult.

I don't think ads or traffic are worth the loss of voice.

Sweet, wee little MB
. She is so sweet. We make a dandy couple wandering out to the pool, the two shyest girls in the place. We enjoyed ourselves at the cocktail party, MB left earlier than me because i wanted to hang out with Jen
and gwendomomma
a while longer. When i got back to our room MB was sleeping belly down, fully clothed with her head hanging over the side of the bed and drooling on her computer.

Today is the big conference day; more people, more intimate discussions. Doing the blogher ad network thing now and mommyblogger panel next.

My god, what did they put in those lemon drops? I've had about 6 bottles of the free water they're handing out, plus a tylenol 3 and pop. Still, eyes watering, head pounding.

I am having a fun time in spite of myself. I went to two more sessions today; the first on photography led by heather champ and the second on advertising. Both were great and informative.

I then spent a lovely hour hanging out with jenB
in my room. We talked kids, organics, fussy eaters and clothes and make-up. It's been so long since i've had a friend to talk to, i forgot how nice it can be. Jen is awesome, has great style and a superb heart. I hope we can hang out again.

The other person i've talked to quite a bit is amy. She is so cute. She's charming, down-to-earth and endearing. I'm so glad she thought i was Angela.

MB's
back from her day of shopping and what-nots and looking fab in a little black dress. We are off to the cocktail party by the pool. No lemon drops. Promise.

Okay, i'll admit it i didn't make a very good first impression this morning. I'll also tell you now just to get it out of the way that shane was wrong, i drank too much by the pool last night and it did help. Really.

It did not, however, help with the red-eyed, bad complexion, first impression this morning. MB and i hung out all morning and then had some brunch because i seriously thought i was going to die.

I'm sitting in this room with hundreds of women all eating chilli and baked potatoes. The Flcikr folks are speaking and hundreds of laptop computers are flickr'ing.

So many people. So many women. Thank god MB is here. Without her i would have been reduced back into a crumbling puddle. She is sweet and beautiful. We are doing pretty good. Slowly getting to know each other, yet somehow, comfortable like old friends. Like we've known each other for a long time. And we have.

This is my first internet hoook-up.

Also, the swag bags? Awesome. Bibs, condoms, books, pens.

Fun, fun, fun.

hair of the dog. stat.

After crying for a bit i called shane and he gave me a pep talk and i went BACK (seventh time) out to the pool. I spotted Karianna and she squeeled, gave me chocolates and called me the canadian dooce.

ahem.

I stayed with her for the rest of the night. She was cute and fun and bought me drinks on the club mom account. Hello lemon drop drink. I have never tasted your sweetness, nor felt the pain you are causing my head this morning.

I was also mistaken for Fluid Pudding several times.

Marybeth and i stil haven't met. I woke up in the middle of the night and she was here, spooning me.

I've been shopping. Finally got to see that sephora store that everyone talks about. Also managed to be suckered into $100 worth of make-up and skin creams because apparently i'm getting older and need to take better care of myself.

Also, some new shoes and gifts for the kids. Finally, i had to get out of there because (1) the mall was huge and i was worried about getting lost and (2) my extreme anxiety is causing me to spend money i don't really have on things i don't really need.

I find myself wandering around seeing little groups of people, recognizing them and hoping they will recognize me and say hello. They don't. I fear i'm totally unknown and unable to change that.

I did, however, moments ago, run into jenB who was sweet and charming and hugged me and it was fine. She also introduced me to melissa who looked just like her pictures, was sweet and had a bag full of booze, heather who is beautiful and tall and has great hair, alice who i love and adore and wish i could be friends with, mrs. kennedy who is one tall glass of water and sexy beyond belief, and maggie who is so cute, she looks like a friend you'd like to have.

They were all very nice to me and i was uncomfortable and, not surprisingly, at a loss for words. They were heading off to the mall and i wished so desperately i could be a tag along because i feel really lonely and like a loser. But who likes a loser. So, i will continue to try. But my heart is feeling a little sad and i wish shane was here to help me. He is the perfect compliment to me. He speaks for me when i need him to and helps coax me out of my shell so that i can actually get to know people and them me.

Last night after a glass (or two) of some very delicious Coppola chardonnay i got my nerve up to walk around outside. I walked by a woman sitting on a bench talking on her cell phone and recognized her. It was Jenn frommommy needs coffee!

I circled around her like the shy girl i am and finally got up the nerve to talk to her. She was really sweet and i'm pretty sure had no idea who i am and said y'all a lot. We talked for awhile and she made me laugh and feel a litlle better.

Today i am going to go shopping and shark around the hotel a bit and try and meet some people.

Here's my desk:

and here's me. Tired and nervous and in my jammies:

Strange day. I feel really weird today. Have all day. I've never been away from all my kids. I haven't been alone for nine years. Who the hell am i anyway?

Shane, being the awesomest husband ever left me a note and a song on my computer.

Here's the note (minus an x-rated p.s.)

Hi Beautiful,

Shane

I'd share the song, but fetch won't run on my stupid laptop. When mb get's her ass here maybe she can do it. Until then i leave you from lovely hotel room overlooking the highway.

Sitting in the seattle airport right now, waiting for my alaska airlines flight and hoping that my bag makes it through the flight change.

Airports are freaky. I'm feeling very country. Plus, all the restaurants and bars? Do we really need 17 choices of fast crap food whilst waiting to sit on a cramped plane and burp our ugly food in the airspace of, well, me?

I'm sorry but america is different from canada. Just a little bit, in some subtle way. I feel like the smiling leper. I asked some people as we were going through customs and security a question and they ignored me. Literally. Looked at me, listened to my question, and looked away and continued talking to each other.

And also, security and customs? That's some scary shit.

Going through US customs:

"why are you going to the hyatt?

"um, a conference."

"what kind of conference?"

"um, writing....internet stuff."

"do you speak american or gibberish?"

"actually, i speak english."

"what do you do for a living"

"i'm a mom."

"why are you going to the hyatt?"

"um, i'm a writer, i guess..."

"just go."

I'll be there this time tomorrow. I promise lots of minute-by-minute anxiety updates.

I spent the weekend playing in a softball tournament. It was thrilling, fun and exhausting. Four games in a day and a half. Three full games of playing catcher. That's a lot of squats. The highlight was having to do the home/away team competition in the last game. I had to go against a young girl from the other team. Starting on home plate we sprinted to second base, chugged a beer, ran backwards to first or third and then sprinted home. I won!

Ah the sweet sound of my children cheering me on as i chugged a beer at 1:00 in the afternoon.

I'm feeling much better.

Thank-you everybody.

I spent the day moving a building. Moving a building! A portable classroom actually, in two parts. When the first half arrived and we set it down it was like a giant stage had been set down on our playground. An open building with markings on the blackboard about "math test results." It was amazing. Really. A building, or half of it driving down the road and knowing that i had bought it. That i did that.

I did that. I think about those words all the time. Every time someone comments on my kids. I did that. I loved my husband and i ate a bunch of veggie burritos and out popped that beautiful girl.

I have been dwelling on this feeling of insignificance. Is it me? Or is it you. All the people i meet. The people who politely ask what i do and shake their heads sympathetically when i say "i'm a mom." "Nothing really."

And don't get your knickers in an uproar. I know it's not nothing. It's like explaining blogging. "It's like my diary." "Except! You can read it and then feel all uncomfortable around me.'

I really don't know much of anything anymore. I know my head hurts. I am lonely. I'm listening to too many sad songs and staying up too late. My house is messy and it underwhelms me. My kids are annoying me.

Why can't they just get along?

I'm scattered. I need something, but i don't know what.

Who are you?

Are you lonely too?

This is jess's delurking day.

In the midst of this beautiful summer and freckle faced kids i'm depressed. Or, at the very least, having an existential crisis.

The kind of crisis that is usually reserved for college days when time drags on between classes, lost loves and a fine balance between beer and coffee.

I feel insignificant. Important to few save for the four little mouths i clothe, feed and love. I just don't see where i fit in. How my life can be portrayed in all the important ways i feel it should. I am a mother. I am little else. Everything i do revolves around that status, or lack of. Even taking off to california next week. I have only found the strength to do something for myself when it comes with the "mommyblogging" stamp of approval.

I don't care anymore about my clothes, or the ten pounds i didn't lose, or the teeth i didn't whiten. I wonder why i'm even going. I'm looking forward to the time alone and away, but i am also scared. History tells me that when left to my own devices and idle time my mind gets up to misadventures.

After spending a week with family members i've realized the toll this blogging thing has taken on my relationship with my family. Blogging has changed my life and i'm not sure it's for the better. I love writing. I love the discipline of having to write everyday. I love the outlet for all these crazy thoughts and adventures. I love sharing my life when in another time i would never be able to.

But, for this blog that very few people read, i have given up a little bit of the love i once shared with my family.

Part of me will tell you that they have read things they didn't like. That i've shared feelings that were, perhaps, better left unsaid. That i have made people uncomfortable by talking about my struggles.

Another part of me will tell you that talking about my struggles has helped me. Sharing the joy i feel when i think about my children and my husband; those thoughts saved forever, that makes it all worth it to me.

As i've said before shane has been recording songs at home. The kids have watched with a keen interest and have spent many of our quieter summer days forming a band.

In singing class* at school they learned the apology song by The Decemberists. Since then every single time we are in the car we have to listen to it and we ALL sing it at the top of our lungs. We are the popular choice for carpools.

So, with Toby on bass and electric guitar, parker on vocals and eliza on acoustic guitar they have been rehearsing. Parker mostly sings the ABC song, but it has been a highlight of the summer so far for me. While i am away next week shane has promised me that they will record it and i will definitely post it for all of you upon my return.

* I made a CD for the teacher with that song on it and he liked it so much he taught it to the kids.

** My camera is still wonky. I was able to get a couple photos off it, but i'm going to go get a new memory card tomorrow and hopefully that will work.

I find it so funny how the kids pick up all the small details in our lives, then process them through their gigantic minds and, eventually, incorporate them into some sort of game.

Every night while i make dinner the kids play on the balcony off the kitchen and i throw open the french doors so our house seems that much larger for half of the year. Invariably they each grab one of their favourite wheeled toys that are out there; parker usually uses one of the cozy coupe trucks, eliza rides the tricycle and toby perches on top of his little battery operated motorcycle that he got for his third birthday but refuses to admit he's grown out of. Sometimes they're all on the scooters or their bicycles, but more often than not they choose the miniature "real" things.

Tonight they created an elaborate "drive-thru" game using all the recycling that i had piled up on the deck waiting to be run out to the boxes. Parker pulled up to the drive-thru window and ordered "a large coffee with two creams and ten timbits."

Every day, at some point, i find reason to go to the Tim Hortons drive-thru and get a large coffee with two creams. Sometimes the kids have a milk, or a chocolate milk, or a bagel with cream cheese and very rarely a box of timbit donuts.

Across the way from the Tim Hortons is a McDonalds. I try really, really hard not to feed my kids that crappy food, but every now and then i cave and get them some sort of happy meal or perhaps an order of hash browns.

Every time we go by parker asks for something, usually a hash brown. I often tell him it's not hash brown time or when he wants chocolate milk and i want him to have regular i say "they don't have any today..." or some other small lie for the sake of his health.

When it was parkers turn to be the drive thru window attendant he answered every order with "it's not bagel time - it's hash brown time!"

LOOK! Look! Debbie made this for me. She runs 60bugs and i love her stuff, and really, i love her too.

Today, while the kids and i were at the beach, we heard a large bang from up in the parking lot. I saw some men at a picnic table wonder "what the hell was that?"

I didn't really think anything of it as there is always logging (sadly) going on and the sound of a falling tree is surprisingly loud.

When i got to the car i noticed something really funky as i started to back out of the parking lot. I stopped and checked and my tire was, literally, gone. Exploded. Self-imploded.

I got the spare on and made it to the garage and the mechanic assured me he had never heard of such a thing happening. The thing is, it did happen. To me.

If a bad thing can happen, nine times out of ten, it will happen to me.

It got me thinking about blogher. I've tried not to talk about it too much because i felt so left out last year when i didn't get to go and reading all the posts was really bitter sweet.

But really? I'm going, and as far as i can tell the only canadians are me and jenB. No Ada, or chair!. or chantal, or dana.

None. And JenB is busy (even though i bought a coral pink blouse just for her because she thought it would be a good colour for me.) So really, though i'm psyched about sharing a room with MB, i feel the burden of standing up for us canadians eh? And i'm not worthy.

And i fear that there will be ample opportunities to drink alcohol and i have this problem when i'm uncomfortable that i drink too much and trip on my high heels because i never wear such things and then swear a LOT. Plus, my toenails are dirty. Country girl dirty. I'm going to buy some red nail polish in hopes of covering up the greasy grime.

My little camera, my little rebel. It is broken. One month shy of the date i purchased it and only days after i paid it off. Broken.

I am so sad. I have no money to fix it and even if i did it wouldn't be ready for my big trip to california.

And it was full of nudie shots of shane.

I guess the thing i forgot to mention is shane. I've waxed poetic about my husband on many occasions. It's not that he is perfect. He's not. We spend days, and sometimes weeks disjointed. Living separate lives. Him to bed early and gone before i, or the kids, even blink an eye.

Yet, here we are. Late at night connecting. Laughing. Taking pictures of each other. Talking about plans. Life dreams. Touching base.

In love.

I may fall out of love. Momentarily. Weekly. But then he's there. The one who speaks for me when i can't. The one who understands when i simply cannot participate. When i must sit alone.

It can be loneliest when you are surrounded by people you love. I love my family. I love them with everything i've got. Two brothers, one sister, me - the youngest.

I have always felt at odds with my family. Not quite understood. Not quite part of the family. But, so desperately wanting to be a part of things. A part of the whirlwind.

I suppose this is a theme in my life. I love to be surrounded by friends, yet i never know what to say or how to act and often end up alone in a corner watching the world go by.

I feel most at home, a part of the love, when i am surrounded by my own children and their friends. I love the company of children. I often retreat to the kids table or the playground. Running races and playing crazy eights. I haven't quite figured out this part of me. Why i am more comfortable in the company of children. Obviously i've created enough of them to keep me knee deep. Yet, at the loneliest times i wish it was easier to have a friend.

A few weeks ago i ventured to the swimsuit store.

*gasp*

It's only taken me my entire life to muster up the nerve to make this trip.

I went into the store and made a beeline for the black bikinis. I picked out a few and headed for the change room. The sales girl told me to try one on and let her come in and feel me up a little to check for fit.

"Yeah, right."

I tried on many swimsuits and found myself bursting out of every top. The sales girl kept knocking and asking how things were going.

"Umm. Fine. I kind of need a bigger top. And more support!"

She tossed a new top over. I tried it on and it was comfy and i looked plumpy. I twisted and turned and realized that i was wearing a bra and panties. Seriously. Underwire, shoulder straps and back fasteners. A bra. But it fit. I headed glumly to the counter and was ready to plunk down $100 so that people would think i was wearing my bra and panties at the beach.

Then i saw a woman, not too different from me, waltzing around in a turquoise and brown tankini and board shorts.

"Wait! Stop! I need to try that on."

I was prepared to crawl under the door of her change room and swipe it as she pulled it off. But, they had one in my size. It fit. It was cute and it was summery. And, most importantly, not a bra and panties in disguise.

Without looking at the price "I" waltzed up to the counter and proclaimed my desire to purchase the perfect swimsuit. Did you know that swimsuits are damn expensive? They are.

Luckily our recent re-mortgage has left us with a false sense of prosperity and i charged on my freshly paid off mastercard.

I was wearing it at the beach today and my scrutinous family member who's married to a plastic surgeon said:

"Your boobs look really good for someone who nursed four kids for so long."

Score. Boobs look pretty good. I'll take that.

This summer is exactly two weeks old. We have packed in so much fun already that i feel like my job is done and i can just curl up in my hammock with a glass of wine and a good book and partake in the alcoholic summer.

Except for the kids.

I have people related to me visiting this week and my time will be taken up with familial love and joyfulness.

This morning we partook in a fabulous world cup soccer brunch complete with champagne and orange juice. I have never had that bubbly combination before (except at the morning after party at highschool graduation and i suspect that the parents switched for the non-alcoholic kind) and it was yummy.

This evening my husband switched his sissy office worker hands for rural licensed weapons to kill.

I went out to the chicken coop to check on things and collect eggs. A hen was in the coop and i noticed her breathing was laboured and she seemed listless. As i looked closer i noticed THINGS crawling all over her. Maggots.

I ran inside and told shane "we have a problem!"

He marched out and after a little discussion and pep talk he killed our poor little hen. It all sounds so gross and disgusting, well it was actually. But, i was really proud of us. Us squeamish city folk. Dealing with death, dying, suffering.

The chickens have been roosting in the trees, which is annoying in it's own right because roosters? They wake up at 4am. They wake EVERYBODY up at 4am. But roosting in trees? It's shows how dumb chickens are because they are prime bait for every predator in the neighbourhood there. I suspect an owl or something took a bit of her and it got infected and gross. Poor hen. She had no name.

Chickens owned - 67
Chickens missing or dead - 49

Chickens. Not for the weak of heart.

Do you get this email, like 75 times a day? I do.

I'm watching "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" as we speak. I remember it being a little too old for me, which made it way, way more tantalizing.

But now? Now, i have an 18 year old babysitter, and her boyfriend and her? I know that they are, you know, doing it. Although that is perfectly okay. She's 18. She's graduated from highschool, she's responsible and, in general, a really great girl. I trust her with my kids. That's saying something. But still.

What freaks me out? I have a nine year old daughter and the days go slow, but the years fly by. I'm not ready. I'm not ready. Tristan will have her first sex ed class next year. Next year!

How? How do you deal with that?

Tristan asked me today why all her friends parents are "40-something and you and dad are so young?" Although i was flattered i had to remind her that when parker is 9 i will be in my 40's (gulp) and while "daddy and i had our kids young" it was not necessarily the best thing to do because i gave up a career to be at home and have babies. And! "having babies and being a mom is a good thing, but also doing what you want is important too."

It's all so complicated. I want them to respect what i am doing. Believe that it is important. But, at the same time, i want something more for them. I also want them to experience the love that i have. The sheer joy of motherhood.

How do you teach all that?

Rathtrevor Provincial Park, for those of you in the vicinity, is the most awesome place to spend a few days with your children.

I am back feeling rejuvenated, happy and like i finally 'get it.' I get why people go camping.

I pictured lots of hard work and very little sleep. Grumpy, bored kids. I couldn't have been more wrong.

The campsite was full of families and tons of kids. Tristan and Toby and the other four kids we were with disappeared early in the morning and would return every hour or so to check in. Other than that we rarely saw them. They have never had that kind of freedom. The freedom to be kids like i remember it. The exhilaration of riding fast on your bike with a group of other kids, meeting new friends from different places, making fun happen.

The fun for my kids was hanging out at the playground and showers. They made themselves the managers of the bicycle wash. Spending hours washing all the bikes they could and, eventually, moving onto cars. They made $1.13. It was like gold in their hands.

I enjoyed having three friends to help me take care of parker and eliza and to spend my time with. Late nights and some newly discovered and delicious red wine around the campfire made my life, even briefly, seem normal. The opposite of lonely. That was what camping was for me. I realized, as i struggled to put my thoughts into conversations, that i have spent so many of the past years thinking in photographs and words that forming actual thoughts verbally is much more difficult than letting them rattle around in your brain and, eventually, spill out onto the keyboard.

And. I did see this sunset.

I am here until thursday. See you then.

jess
xxoo

I'm off for three beautiful days of camping with the kids. I thought about bringing the dogs, but really. Look at them. Those are not camping dogs.

I'm really looking forward to going. There will be two other moms there and we plan on sitting and watching the kids play and, probably, eat a lot of food and drink a little libation. The kids and i have never been camping before. It always seemed a little too difficult with a baby. And now, though it hurts my heart a little, there are no babies and we are free to have a few more adventures.

The summer that in previous years loomed so large and painful in front of me is suddenly far too short and disappearing before my eyes as i fill it up with camping trips, visits to family in vancouver and on saltspring, the arrival of my sister-in-law's baby and, obviously, blogher.

Have a wonderful holiday week and happy canada day.