Okay, i admit it, i'm a mess. I'm socially inept, cold sore ridden and full of self-doubt and anxiety. I'm lovely. I'm a blogging loser. My heart starts to skip beats and my palms sweat when i go to leave a comment. I try hard. Really i do. Always reading, admiring, nodding my head in agreement. Yet, i can't say (or type) a word without sounding like something i am completely not. This whole social system is awkward and i feel like a dopey nerd stumbling through it.
Today when we were in victoria tristan asked me "why does everybody look different here?"
I gazed at my four children. Unkempt, hair full of tangles, cinnamon toast remains on their cheeks, slow mall walkers. Everybody else was keeping steady paces, looking clean and groomed and with places to be and no time to waste.
"Because it is different here."
That was the best i could do.
And it is different here too. On the internet side-road of blogging. People are different here. They are nice and caring and warm and inviting. Clever, charming and smart. I feel like the country folk, if the country is thirty minutes from the city.
Despite my springtime happiness i have been experiencing regular anxiety attacks. I feel my chest weighing down on me and feel like i am dying. I think through everything i have to lose. It's unbearable.
This thinking about goals and careers and blogher.
And this morning i pulled out an old, old bra that i haven't worn since 1997 and it fit me again. Bye bye breastfeeding boobs. I won't miss your massive size.
So many changes. So many birthdays. So many bloggy friends to meet.
Posted by Jess at 10:28 PM Permalink
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It surprises me that someone with such a beautiful voice has trouble leaving comments. But I understand it.
We here on the internet side road know you a little bit, just a little, and we definitely give a damn.
Posted by marian | May 23, 2006 05:32 AM