fight club

After many fights, fountains of tears and lots of dirty looks we have come up with a system for sharing the burden of household chores. We have a good division of the tasks on paper and we have a meeting one night a week to go over any issues, discuss the calendar and plan meals. It does not work perfectly, we both slide, sometimes we don't have the energy for the meeting, etc. But having the system in place helps us cope. When things get crazy we go back to doing it religiously and it helps us get back on track. The meeting is especially helpful because if we start talking about something during the week and it starts to escalate we can say "let's figure this out at the meeting" and that often keeps us from having a fight (or postpones the fight, but at least we're not having it on the subway). It is such a thorny issue in marriage - labor division. The resentment that it spawns can sour the whole pie. It was a relief to figure out a system that works (for now).

I'm not even going to start, it'll just make me angry and we're starting a three-day road trip tomorrow. I don't need to be mad right now.

We've had some wicked fights about this very subject. We actually had someone talk to us about our expectations, and how unless they are brought out into the open that they can hurt the situation, but that once they are out there that it actually helps to have them. We had to write down what each of our expectations were, and then talk about them. It helps when it's down on paper. Some of the expectations seem reasonable, some ridiculous, and others we had to talk through. But when you are finished, and you both have a clear understanding of where you stand and what is expected of you by you nad the other person.

Personally, I think it's very hard to be expected to be on call (as the wife/mother) 24/7. There has to be some down time and/or help. I understand the loving each other so much that you don't fight too often. It's nice and awful all at the same time. Good luck what whatever system you guys come up with.

C and I have no kids so we have really minimal chores but we still have these types of arguments. Sometimes I get really mad at myself for being naive and thinking that I might have a chance at having an equal partnership where chores and household duties aren't divided on gender lines. The worst thing is that when C actually does do something around the house (like dishes) he act as if he deserves a f***ing medal! I don't have any advice but I know the feeling and I think it's an age old problem between men and women.

My husband is a very hands-on father. He helps out a lot with the kids. The house, cooking, cleaning, that sort of thing...that's pretty much all left up to me. He will do things gladly if I ask him to but I have to ask. He never takes the initiave. And when he does, he points it out and makes reference to it for days afterward. Like, "Remember when I did all of those dishes? Remember when I loaded that knife into the dishwasher?" I love that he is willing to help out and I think I'd appreciate it a lot more if he weren't such a slob. I'm sure that sounds harsh but it's true. I cannot lie. LOL.

D and I have gone back and forth in terms of who gets most of the burden. When I was going to school full time, he did a lot of it. When I started working, I did a lot of it. Now that we both have Franklin and I go to school and work, he does quite a bit but leaves the finances to me. I sometimes wish he was more involved with the finances but then again, I don't want to be the one who cooks dinner so it evens out.

I never thought I'd say this but.... those classes we took in the Catholic church before we were permitted to be married there brought a lot of this up for us. We sat down and talked to people who had been married for a looooong time. They straightened quite a bit out - things we were happy to ignore like expectations on the division of labour.

I don't like HOW he cleans, (he cleans like a guy in that everything is wiped off but nothing is wiped UNDER) but, it's easier for me to scoot by and wipe underneath after everything is cleaned around it...

Oh, this is such a common fight in our house!!!

What helped us is having both of us sit down and write out all the responsiblities we feel are done around the house, no matter who we think does them. Then we started claiming each, trying to make it equal. It helped both of us see what the other was doing.

Good luck!

With us there are no kids so it is a little bit easier, but with two giant dogs and two cats there is a whole other dimension of chores.

We each have jobs that we do consistantly, which I find works better than taking turns. Scott takes out the garbage and recycling, fixes things the break, does everything car related, and pays all the household bills. I do groceries, cleaning, and any tidying/house decorating type things. We try not to make extra work for each other, though I am driven to distraction by his inability to wipe the coffee splatters off the counter. We share duties when it comes to pet care.

Though we both work hard, I certainly do more work around the home to keep it clean and tidy and nice looking. Occasionally I feel taken advantage of, but if I mention something Scott is always receptive.

Good luck with this. There seems to be no easy solution for this crap.

J.

Oh, I read this post and my blood pressure skyrocketed. While I have to admit, I have a darned near perfect hubby, he really can be a jackass when it comes to household chores. I wish I could offer a solution but instead all I can say, is good luck. Hopefully, one day the men will see the light.

I SO don't feel alone anymore! In a relatively new marriage with a very new baby, holy shit I do EVERYthing. Money, cooking, babytending, working too (though not as much as him). When I'm rocking Sophie all evening and he's internet surfing and then dares to ask to even change the channel, I feel the steam rising . . . Poor John, he always says, "If you'd just ask me to do more." But the point is, I shouldn't have to ask, right?

To paraphrase the title of a book that came out a few years ago: Hiring a house cleaner - or a gardener - is cheaper than a divorce.

Oh! We've fought about this SO many times. It's getting better, so much better. I figured out one thing - When I ask, he always does it (if he is able of course) and he can't read my mind. I stopped expecting him to just pitch in and I started to just ask. For the most part it works, but he can still be a bonehead about household stuff. When it comes to the kids though, as they get older he is taking more responsibility and helping me get my own business off the ground. We're getting to a place where I am still mostly the caregiver and he is mostly the earner, but they're coming together more than they ever have.

You're not alone in this! :)

Oh god. This is a touchy subject. We have things divided pretty well, but I do go through periods of feeling like I'm shouldering too much of the burden. When that happens I try to act responsibly. I try to talk it out with him BEFORE it turns into an emotional scene. We work it out. Resentment is death to a relationship and really it's such an enemy of love. Somehow you have to figure it out.

I learned that I kind of like the martyr role and that I automatically assume more responsibility than I should. He learned how to listen without becoming defensive and to just do what I ask him to do. I learned to ask. That's the big thing for us, my learning to ask.

It's tough. You love each other and you know how hurtful this whole thing can be. I wish you all the luck in the world dealing with this, because it's not easy.

This is the only thing John and I fight over. He thinks he is doing a tremendous job and I think he's not even close to pulling his weight. I'm just glad I don't have chickens!! I like the writing down of the chores idea, because maybe our partners just don't realize how much work it is to take care of a family and house, not to mention ourselves. Why do you think people lived in village kind of groups for so long?

We just had this conversation today. So far the only thing we figured out is that I am going to have a quitting time. I'm working for eight hours, (and making dinner) and that's it. Aaron will do the lion's share of cleaning the kitchen and getting the kids to bed.

Guess you hit a hot button, eh?

I'm pretty happy with the way we portion things out when it comes to housework, cleaning and such. There's a lot of give and take. Although I have to agree with Ada that I don't always like HOW he cleans (or how he folds towels...grrr). But he does it. Voluntarily. So that's cool.

What gets to me sometimes is how I'm the caretaker of all in the house. Our little guy and our pets. I schedule appointments, buy food, clothe, etc. I look out for their needs much more closely. He's never bought a stitch of clothing for our son, and I have to write down the type of dog and cat food that we buy any time he goes to the store for me. It may be that male-female thing, tho...where women tend to be more tuned in to emotional stuff. But there are days when I just wish he'd read through the newsletters from daycare or schedule a vet appointment when the dog's ear is cocked at a crazy angle. :)

I have to constantly remind him what to do. I would be running around the house and he'd be sitting on the couch playing with his PSP.

I ask him to walk the dog, clean the bathroom, bathe the boys, read a story to the boys and on weekends he's the one who has to get up early to take care of the kids. he also does grocery shopping when he can.

With a new baby just days away, I have a feeling my husband and I are in for a bit of a rollercoaster when it comes to how we manage the household. I think the key to our success will be him understanding that as much as he has been at work all day, so have I, just a different kind of work. And with that, will hopefully come some perspective that while he may feel justified in coming home and sitting on his ass and putting his feet up, I have worked all day too and I would like to put my feet up too, but there is still dinner to prepare, a baby to take care of, etc, so he will need to get off his ass and help me. But easier said than done and I'm not there yet so I'm not going to judge.

I totally hear you. I've had the exact same conversations with my husband too. Very similar to what you're saying. My husband will clean, IF I ask him to. Otherwise, he can get into those couch potato ruts. In my opinion, a lot of men just don't "see" what needs to be done around the house. Like, if I never cleaned the bathroom, it would NEVER get cleaned. But that's good that you communicated to him how you felt, instead of just feeling resentful.

Yeah, we're still having these fights. We've pretty much worked it out that he'll clean the bathrooms, and get up early Sunday to take care of our daughter. Whoever cooks dinner, the other person does the clean up. We both clean up after ourselves, and if any clothes are on the floor, it all goes in the laundry. Oh, you needed that shirt for tomorrow? Too bad, buddy.
Everything else is pretty much left up to me. However, M. understands (most of the time) that he shouldn't bitch about anything, because he is more than welcome to do it himself.
The bad thing is, our second child is due in 7 weeks, and I know we'll have to revise our respective chore lists. I don't want a repeat of "Why didn't you empty the dishwasher?" and assorted comments when I've had a baby attached to me for the past 12 hours. I also really don't want to hear how he works hard too, as at least he gets to pee by himself and eat lunch by himself.

All I can say is, good luck!

I'm a stay at home dad and do everything but the laundry (ooh bras) and the dusting. We have someone who comes in once a week and gives the house a good cleaning.

My wife tries to help, but does not live up to expectations. For instance even though she does the laundry, she does'nt take the time to fold it. Finding an unwrinkled cloths is difficult sometimes.

As long as I can get away from the house to go running in the evenings I am happy with the arrangement.

Heh, I looked through your comments to see if Leigh-Ann had written, telling you that I basically do nothing around here, except drive...because she can't. I don't like cleaning, but I don't mind laundry. I just wish we had more room in our closet to put stuff away.

I came to a similar conclusion this weekend - not enough freakin space for all of our collective crap. We bought a house thats way too small.

Sounds like us, except for the chickens. We have no chickens. He does all the construction on our fixer-upper house though.

I can't complain. But, once in a while I do. I just want to feel like he sees how much I do. I still don't think he does.

I think this is a big issue for all families. I am a stay at home father and in addition to caring for our child during the day; I take care of the house and food. My goal is to have everything taken care of so that my wife can focus solely on spending time with baby Atom in the evening. That is the goal however and not always the reality. Sometimes I fall behind and have to ask for her help and that is not easy to do after she has worked all day. This said, we rent so we don’t have any real yard work (except gardening in a community garden) so the work load may be a little smaller for us. We have only been at this for 3 months but so far, so good.

My huz is an obsessive cleaner, so you don't hear me asking him to do stuff, however, he likes to remind me that he does a lot of housework (I stay home...).

That gets REALLY annoying. As with her, we often have the "you change her, no you change her" issues, as well as when it comes to bedtime stuff - however, we just decided he does bath and stories, and that's the end of it.

I suggest going to wrybaby.com and getting their "wheel of responsibility" (we reviewed it at www.coolmompicks.com under doodads) - solves all issues. :)

This is a big issue for us. My husband works out side the home full-time. I work outside the home 3-days a week, and telecommute the other 2 days, while I'm home with our 2-year old daughter. Since I leave for work very early in the morning, my husband gets our daughter up, fed and to daycare (or ready for my mom, who comes to our house one day). He also gets up with her and feeds her breakfast on the mornings I am home, to let me sleep a little more (which has SAVED my sanity, as she doesn't sleep through the night consistantly - and I do all night-time parenting). I do most of the indoor chores (cleaning, laundry, cooking, finances), though we do have someone come do a heavy cleaning once every three weeks (I'd love more, but that's what we can afford). My husband does most of the outdoor chores (mowing, snow removal, pruning, car repair/maintenance). In addition, he does all the dishes, which I think helps to even things out - otherwise I'd be doing all the daily things, and his chores would be weekly or less. Sometime I still feel like I am carrying the heavier load (particualrly becasue on top of everything else, I make more money), but mostly this works for us. I think that for us, what's more important than that the chores are divded equally is that we end up with equal amounts of down-time. If that gets out of balance, that's when we start fighting.

I thought it was just me and my hubby. I think something is gonna go down soon in this household. I'm getting miffed just thinking about it. Grrr.... I have no advice. But I'm gonna read all the above comments. Thanks for this topic!!!

I have to admit, my husband and I both work outside the home and he does more of the cooking and cleaning than I do. However...I do more of the child care. I make sure our son has all his necessities and pay for them out of a separate account that I put money into. I know it sounds crazy, but the "Checkbook Nazi" doesn't quite understand why our son needs diapers and wipes. I know it's nuts, but it's true!

My husband's logic, althought he deep-down knows BETTER, is that since OUR mothers did it, I should be able to do it. My mother nearly killed herself working her fingers to the bone at a full-time job and coming home to another full-time job, and HIS mother had lifetime bouts of debilitating depression. Sounds like a good system, no?

Oh, and we BOTH work outside the home, and he still has this attitude. So does my sister's husband. Dang. How do you fight this?