So, i re-read my post tonight that caused some people to believe that i am a horrible mother, not deserving the beauty that surrounds me. Perhaps, they have a point. The problem with feeling sorry for yourself or overwhelmed or depressed is that you lose perspective. The ability to see the beauty in every day. Isn't that the point though? Isn't that what being sad is about? Not seeing the good things, only the shit. Isn't that why it's hard to be a mother sometimes - nobody is around to tell you that everything is okay. That the job we are doing is the best job we can and sometimes? Sometimes it's okay to feel like crap. To feel like it's hard.
Because it is hard. It's hard for me and i think i should be able to say that. Able to admit that sometimes it all sucks and i just don't want to do it anymore.
It doesn't mean that i won't. Being a mother? It means getting up every morning and taking care of your children, your house, your work. Taking care of everyone but you. Most of the time just living the life is enough. The precious moments keep you going and loving your children, poopy pants and all.
We are in the middle of a financial crisis. To me this is a road that most of us navigate regularly. Particularly if you stay at home with your children. For my family it has been the best decision for me to stay at home. We have had ups and downs over the years in terms of our financial stability. Shane is self-employed which has added another dimension of stress because we never really know what the future will hold. He used to work, primarily, as a graphic designer. He did well and had a natural talent. Money came in regularly. At some point he realized that his business was making him miserable and he made a career move. Started a new career in the midst of babies and more babies and a move out of the city.
Things have been slower out of the gate than either of us anticipated. On top of that our children are growing and have new and expanding financial needs. At some point when you spend just a little bit more than you make an explosion will occur. That explosion will crack the foundation of your family life. Decisions will have to be made.
We are in the midst of making those decisions.
But, we stayed up late last night and talked and cried, well i cried, and a lot of stress was lifted. We didn't make any decisions but we both came back to the same page. It feels good. And i feel much better now.
For now i'm not going to add ad's to my site or a donate button. I would just feel funny about it. I like doing this. Actually, i love doing this. Exercising my fingers and my brain every day. Making friends. Learning things about being a mother, being a woman, being a friend.
So. Thank you to all of my friends. The links in my blogroll barely scratch the surface. I'm going to work on that. A beat down of my mostly anonymous nasty letter writers is not needed at this time, but it's nice to know you've got my back! The post is back up and frankly i don't think it's all that exciting, but it's down below somewhere.
Have a good weekend.
xxoo
Posted by Jess at 09:29 PM Permalink
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Jess,
Alex and I both read you blog pretty much daily, did you know that? So sometimes at work we talk about what you've posted. Last week Alex suggested and I thought it was a great idea that maybe it's getting time for you to find a job outside the house. Eliza's in Kindergarten this fall, correct? Then all you need is someone to look after Parker in the mornings and you could find a part-time job for about 3 hours or so each day.
You probably won't spend as much on daycare as you would earn (close maybe), but you'd have this refreshing time outside the house and the kids with other adults. One of my co-workers is back at work for 15 hours a week after a years maternity leave and she is so happy about it. She says it's quiet and restful at work and she's completely enjoying the time away from her son, husband, and 2 step sons.
A move like this probably won't help the family finances, but I sure think it sure could help top up the "bank" of Jess.
Posted by Stacey | April 1, 2006 07:20 AM