figuring

I have this vivid memory from grade two. I'm running down a small hill, out of the woods, and onto the playground. For some reason this boy, anthony, is mad at me. As he sees me coming, limbs flailing, he sticks his arm straight out with a fist at the end. I run straight into it, belly first. It was the first time the wind was knocked out of me. Such a horrible feeling. As a mother i have watched numerous kids live this uncomfortable experience - wind knocked out. For me it was a profound moment. A moment where i realized that i was not in control of my body and it did things i didn't like.

That is how i feel right now. Spring came up a week or so ago. I was elated, running through the fields, arms wide open channeling sound of music elated. Then, somehow, this life i thought i had all under control punched me in the gut. The ripple effect (not only from belly fat) has sent me reeling. My mind does things to me that i do not like. Twelve years ago i was diagnosed as bipolar, actually severe depression with rapid cycling hypomania. Most of the time since then i have remained firmly rooted in my non-medicated just getting by and i really love my family way. Lately though? I just don't know.

I'm feeling confused and sad and full of anxiety about many things, mostly about eliza and toby, but i can't share yet. Also, money and going back to work and my unfulfilled career and dreams of a career. I can't even speak the right words to shane without being all blubbery and "whatever" and turning to the computer to escape. And i am up way too late. Again.

And so? And so please excuse my wacky, without a point posts. I'm in turmoil.

And i'm feeling like i can't do this anymore.

Posted by Jess at 11:00 PM Permalink

Comments (6)

FlippyO

I hate to state the obvious, but you *can* keep doing it. Sounds like you need more help (meds? help with the kids? to get out of the house alone occasionally?), but you can do this.

I know you worry about your kids, and you always will, but maybe you have to keep reminding yourself that you're doing the best you can with them. That yes, they'll have challenges; some greater than others. You're doing what you can to help them overcome or adjust to them.

Plus, one Coffee Crisp per day should help.

Posted by FlippyO | March 30, 2006 12:22 AM

Kim

I hope you feel better soon. And remember, there's no shame in drugs.

Posted by Kim | March 30, 2006 12:54 AM

Rachel

I hardly know you well enough to be offering you advice, but I'm going to anyway. Why are you trying to do this on your own?!! The diagnosis that you have means there is something chemically going on in your head and it requires chemicals to fix it and make it right. If you were diabetic, would you deny yourself insulin?

Posted by Rachel | March 30, 2006 04:49 AM

marian

The truth is that you ARE doing it. It's really hard, but you ARE. And you're doing it very, very well.

Any chance you could get out and go for a long walk by yourself? I have a friend with your same diagnosis who swears that hiking has saved his life -- totally levels him out and restores a feeling of control. Of course, he's single and has no kids.

I wish I could come and watch yours for you so you could have a break.

Posted by marian | March 30, 2006 06:33 AM

Chantal

I don't even want to assume what kind of person would take this post and run with it, punching you in the gut (again). Sad.

I have no words of serious advice, just my friendship and support.

Posted by Chantal | April 1, 2006 08:56 AM

Chair

Dude, I hear you and I've only got one kid. I'm having some of those days myself lately.

Posted by Chair | April 1, 2006 02:06 PM