It's no secret that i have had a pretty crappy winter. One of the hardest things about being a socially anxious mom is how being home with kids makes you crawl deeper into your shell. I think most mothers of 0-4 year olds who stay home with the kids know that a huge portion of your time is spent *at home*. Even if you manage to get out to playgroups or classes (for us it's kindermusic and tumbling) the majority of time is spent with your children without contact with the grown-up world. I think, for me, it's magnified by living in the country, a lack of friends and a fear of making friends.
I spent most of my winter stuck in the middle of feeling totally miserable and overwhelmed while at the same time completely, blissfully in love with my children. Those two feelings don't really go together and at the end of most everyday i would lay awake and wonder what the hell i was doing.
Then as spring began to arrive i was completely blown away by the arrival of anxiety. I haven't had full scale panic attacks for ten years. Out of nowhere they came back a few weeks ago and left me begging at the door of some bloggy friends for help, support, advice and even medication. I have been trying to take better care of myself, which in retrospect is total bullshit as i stay up way too late, eat crap and call dancing with the kids exercise. In my mind i am trying to feel better.
And through all those things i still cherish every day and every moment with my kids. Part of my anxiety is not doing all of this right. Somehow fucking things up so badly that something bad really does happen. Or even worse, that they are unhappy. Or grow up to be unhappy. I want to take the joy i see in their faces every day, as young children, and bottle it up and give it back to them when they are suffering through that horrible thing called being a teenager.
I guess i want everything to be okay. And despite all my best efforts i really have no control over this whole crazy mothering thing.
And then, all of the sudden, in the past week i felt better. Way better. Spring is coming. My sex drive is back, i think partly because of the ending of the booby which caused my hormones to settle back into some semblance of where they may have been back in 1996 when i was a randy newlywed getting knocked up (whew!). But today it dawned on me that maybe that change in mood, with the anxiety in the middle, was a little too rapid. Maybe i'm back to my old cycle of depression and hypo-mania. Maybe i'm still all screwed up. Maybe it's time for the doctor.
Posted by Jess at 11:37 PM Permalink
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When my daughter finished weaning, my hormones went wacky. It made me realize that it's the first time I was not either pregnant or nursing in almost four years. I became very depressed (especially during PMS time). I had been depressed before I originally became pregnant, so I recognized the symptoms, but hadn't been really bad in years. My point is that not breastfeeding after doing it for awhile clearly changes hormone levels. Seeing a doctor sounds like a great idea! Good luck.
Posted by Rachel | March 14, 2006 05:05 AM