So, i re-read my post tonight that caused some people to believe that i am a horrible mother, not deserving the beauty that surrounds me. Perhaps, they have a point. The problem with feeling sorry for yourself or overwhelmed or depressed is that you lose perspective. The ability to see the beauty in every day. Isn't that the point though? Isn't that what being sad is about? Not seeing the good things, only the shit. Isn't that why it's hard to be a mother sometimes - nobody is around to tell you that everything is okay. That the job we are doing is the best job we can and sometimes? Sometimes it's okay to feel like crap. To feel like it's hard.

Because it is hard. It's hard for me and i think i should be able to say that. Able to admit that sometimes it all sucks and i just don't want to do it anymore.

It doesn't mean that i won't. Being a mother? It means getting up every morning and taking care of your children, your house, your work. Taking care of everyone but you. Most of the time just living the life is enough. The precious moments keep you going and loving your children, poopy pants and all.

We are in the middle of a financial crisis. To me this is a road that most of us navigate regularly. Particularly if you stay at home with your children. For my family it has been the best decision for me to stay at home. We have had ups and downs over the years in terms of our financial stability. Shane is self-employed which has added another dimension of stress because we never really know what the future will hold. He used to work, primarily, as a graphic designer. He did well and had a natural talent. Money came in regularly. At some point he realized that his business was making him miserable and he made a career move. Started a new career in the midst of babies and more babies and a move out of the city.

Things have been slower out of the gate than either of us anticipated. On top of that our children are growing and have new and expanding financial needs. At some point when you spend just a little bit more than you make an explosion will occur. That explosion will crack the foundation of your family life. Decisions will have to be made.

We are in the midst of making those decisions.

But, we stayed up late last night and talked and cried, well i cried, and a lot of stress was lifted. We didn't make any decisions but we both came back to the same page. It feels good. And i feel much better now.

For now i'm not going to add ad's to my site or a donate button. I would just feel funny about it. I like doing this. Actually, i love doing this. Exercising my fingers and my brain every day. Making friends. Learning things about being a mother, being a woman, being a friend.

So. Thank you to all of my friends. The links in my blogroll barely scratch the surface. I'm going to work on that. A beat down of my mostly anonymous nasty letter writers is not needed at this time, but it's nice to know you've got my back! The post is back up and frankly i don't think it's all that exciting, but it's down below somewhere.

Have a good weekend.
xxoo

In what will go down as one of the best days ever! I received a little package in the mail today.

All anonymous and like. A little note saying "i like you."

I don't know who it is. Perhaps family, perhaps friends, perhaps one of you?

Know what it was?

30GB iPod video! Now THAT"S love!

Seriously, whoever it was i can't tell you how overwhelmed i am at getting such an awesome and generous gift.

xxoo
jess

Chocolate is one of my favourite things. Isn't it most peoples women's?

In our house it's a little more complicated because of eliza's peanut/tree nut allergy. We all know that the best chocolate has nuts in it.

For daytime and kid-friendly favourites we always turn to Vermont Nut Free Chocolates. The chocolate is very good. I order several times a year and keep plenty of their cocoa, chocolate chips and white chocolate chips on hand for baking.

At night shane and i often indulge in our favourite combo of red wine and chocolate. This week we are enjoying:

Look at all the nuts:

Yum. Show and Tell is brought to you by blackbird.

For the record i did remove a post early this morning. It felt a little too personal, even for me.

Actually, it only felt that way after i got some rotten, stinky emails.

I'm going to look at it again later, edit it, and maybe repost it.

Sorry to those of you that commented.

This morning i have done a bad, terrible, brain destroying thing.

I let parker and eliza watch 'teletubbies' and 'barney.'

After suffering through hours and hours of the chubby cartoons with tristan and toby i declared a moratorium: there will be no more overstuffed creepy dinosaur/alien shows in my house.

Sesame street is where it's at. I think the re-found popularity of all things sesame is a backlash by parents against the soul destroying toddler shows of the late 90's.

This morning, tired and needing a little break, i succumbed and my toddler and preschooler have been instantly initiated. They are begging for more. I told them barney, tinky winky, po, la la and dipsy were only on TV for one day. A special day. And they will never, ever visit again.

I have this vivid memory from grade two. I'm running down a small hill, out of the woods, and onto the playground. For some reason this boy, anthony, is mad at me. As he sees me coming, limbs flailing, he sticks his arm straight out with a fist at the end. I run straight into it, belly first. It was the first time the wind was knocked out of me. Such a horrible feeling. As a mother i have watched numerous kids live this uncomfortable experience - wind knocked out. For me it was a profound moment. A moment where i realized that i was not in control of my body and it did things i didn't like.

That is how i feel right now. Spring came up a week or so ago. I was elated, running through the fields, arms wide open channeling sound of music elated. Then, somehow, this life i thought i had all under control punched me in the gut. The ripple effect (not only from belly fat) has sent me reeling. My mind does things to me that i do not like. Twelve years ago i was diagnosed as bipolar, actually severe depression with rapid cycling hypomania. Most of the time since then i have remained firmly rooted in my non-medicated just getting by and i really love my family way. Lately though? I just don't know.

I'm feeling confused and sad and full of anxiety about many things, mostly about eliza and toby, but i can't share yet. Also, money and going back to work and my unfulfilled career and dreams of a career. I can't even speak the right words to shane without being all blubbery and "whatever" and turning to the computer to escape. And i am up way too late. Again.

And so? And so please excuse my wacky, without a point posts. I'm in turmoil.

And i'm feeling like i can't do this anymore.

Today was a day of playdates.

I have been trying to get eliza to be a little more social. So, twice a week we have been picking up one of her friends from kindergarten and having them over until we go pick up our and their siblings. Because eliza has never gone to preschool all of her friends are by proxy to older siblings. It works well. For now. She is really getting bored with me. On the days we don't have a playdate she nags me minutes after every activity "i'm bored..."

On to parker.

Every night for weeks when i put parker to bed after our "i love you's" and "sleep tight's" he leans in close and whispers in my ear "maybe tomorrow i can have a playdate with roman?" Of course tomorrow comes out as "oh-morrow." But it's so cute and i always say "we'll see."

Roman is the older brother of one of toby's good friends. He is in grade six. Whenever toby is at their house for a play i make sure to arrive half an hour early to pick up so that parker can play with roman.

Today! All of parker's dreams came true.

We had playdate! Roman was the sweetest, most loving friend to parker. They wrestled, played in the sandbox, had snacks and when it was time to say goodbye parker crouched down beside the sandbox and said "Roman! Go away! I'm pooping!"

So far, so good. No nits here. I scritched and scratched all day. The minute shane walked in the door, before hello, came "do i have lice?"

and "How the hell do i know for all the gel and shit you have in your hair!"

Forget the kids. I am a wimpy wimp ass when it comes to all things buggy (with apologies to chair.)

The kids at the school (who had lice) are pretty much the most popular kids ever in my household. I love them so much and so do all my kids. Every single school day ends with at least one of my children wrestling or hugging one of them. I was pretty darn sure that today would end with nits nesting in our thick hair.

But, for once, luck is on my side AND i just happen to have loads of tea tree stuff. So we have all been bathed and sprayed and brushed with the tea tree oil.

Thanks everybody. Obviously we are not out of the woods, but having escaped round 1 lice 2006 is a celebration worthy of a beer. So, beer it is. Soon i will be instant garbly messaging.

All the bug thoughts got me thinking of two things today.

First, i have been so caught up in the lice i neglected to have a 1000th comment contest and the opportunity has come and gone. I think the online poker guy won anyway.

Second, how i hate bugs. I've learned to deal with them outside. I just walk away. Except when the ants invade the sandbox. I still haven't figured out how to get rid of them every spring. There are so darn many of them that even the chickens can't keep up. And! If i let the chickens eat the ants in the sandbox? Then i have a sandbox full of chicken poo. Double gross.

Last spring the ants invaded the inside of our house. When, after a few weeks, they persisted despite my best efforts i bought those ant traps. After placing them for a day or two i was horrified to realize that the poison is hidden in peanut butter! Thousands of little ants marching around my house, my house! with allergic eliza! with peanut butter poison all over them. Sucky.

Then in one of my worst waking nightmares a huge carpenter ant crawled over me in my sleep and as i sleepily grabbed it, IT, took a huge chunk out of my cheek. I woke shane up and showed him the dead ant clutched in my fist and the blood dripping down my cheek. Fucking mattresses on the floor. I was tormented a few more times last spring by spiders crawling over me in the night until i finally figured out to close my window. Fresh air be damned.

Really, i should have known that bugfest was upon us as i found two huge spiders in the bathroom, just last night, mere hours before the lice outbreak.

So really, i'm overwhelmed by all the love i felt today regarding my little toby and then the advice on lice! And i have retreated into feelings of unworthiness and insecurity and i am thinking of filing suit against shane for false advertising as he weighs AT LEAST seventy pounds more than when we married. Sorry if that is lost on all of you.

xxoo
jess

Help me!

I just got a call from school that there is lice in BOTH my kids classrooms! Aaaaaaaahhhh! Fuck.

Commence scratching of head now.

What do i do? What works best?

I should just shave everyone's head right?

*scratching head*

Help me please. I'm begging.

I know, i know. I'm all down, down, (boring) down and then happy, happy, (sore wrists) happy. I dunno. It's how it flies here. But, my wrists and fingers are still aching and burning, but my lovely sister-in-law hooked me up with some supplements and also some oil of oregano for my ugly cold sores. I'm waiting for improvement. In the mean time? Awesome! all around.

I'm feeling all bummed out again for a multitude of reasons, first of which is that i have so much to do in every corner of my life that i just. can't. get. started. So today i spent three hours outside collecting enough fallen branches for another bonfire and hacking down my kazillion ferns so that they would grow fresh and new for spring. Plus fern clippings burn like crazy.

Tomorrow? For dinner - hot dogs and marshmallows over an open fire. Awesome!

The biggest thing that is getting me down is my little toby. A few weeks ago his teacher prepared me for the fact that they would probably hold him back at some point before grade four (he's in grade one now). It's been keeping me up at night and causing me all kinds of stress. I just don't think it's the right thing to do. I really feel that the emotional burden on him will be more than his little tender heart can take. And then there's the guilt.

Guilt is something that i think we all deal with on many different levels every single day - especially as parents. With tristan, my oldest, i spent hours and hours teaching her to read, doing homeschooling programs, making whimsical art projects; but every time i added a new child to my family mix my time and energy for enriching activities has been depleted. I get caught up in the woulda coulda shoulda's when it comes to toby. If only i had spent more time doing his speech therapy homework back when he was two years old and completely non-verbal.

Guilt is a hard burden to bear when you have a child with a disability, no matter how insignificant that disability may seem. My son is having a hard time. He is frustrated and sad and ashamed. Those feelings burn through me at an exponential rate when i see them in him. And there is so little that i can do.

I just want to make it all better. I want to not be angry. I want to not be angry with him when he gives up so easily on everything because he knows from personal experience that trying to fix his problem is so damn hard and takes so long. How can i explain to my six year old that two hours every week of speech therapy will pay off in the end when he only sees it as time taken away from his classroom with his peers. Time when they are learning other things like reading and writing. Learning things that he needs to be learning too. How can i fit all this into the already busy day of a first grader. How do i explain to all my children that we can never take holidays or even go camping because we spend every extra penny we have on one child's speech therapy. How do i explain to our families how desperately we need financial help when we are re-mortgaging our house for the third time to pay for speech therapy?

Wallowing in it. And i'm sorry.

So, my sister-in-law has been visiting over the weekend. She is expecting her first baby in july. She and i stayed up late saturday night and last night talking all things baby.

I tried really hard to remember how it was for me the first time around. How terrified, yet blissfully happy i was those first few days home from the hospital. How that baby is so damn small and i was always scared of dropping her. How they poop all the time.

Now i'm all worried that i told her too many times how hard it is. Breastfeeding is hard. It's hard to see the messy state of your body after birth. It's hard when you stare into your beautiful babies face and realize that there is nothing you can do to make sure they are safe all the time.

But man she looks so beautiful. I made sure i told her that because (1) she does and (2) nobody can hear that too much.

I told her she should never ask me about sleep problems because i have managed to raise four of the worst sleepers ever. I am completely unqualified in all areas of sleep except, perhaps, how to survive on very little sleep. And lately; how to demand that your sleep bank be re-paid.

I'm going to try and kill this turkey at the gate. The turkey being my wrists. I'm not going to post for a few days and for the next week all my comments on other blogs will be "awesome!" unless something is wrong or sad or bad. Then i would say i'll leave a *hug*, but i hate hugs and i hate sending stupid internet hugs even more. Why would i send a hug that i have no intention of ever following through on? So for the sad or bad or wrong posts i think i'll just say "not awesome!" No, that doesn't work. I'll just leave it blank, then you'll know i've been there and am thinking about you, but my stupid burning wrists won't let me use words.

Shane's sister is here from toronto and coming over for the weekend. She's pregnant! Exciting. I get to belly rub! She's ghost writing a book about plastic surgery. The jobs that people get never cease to amaze me.

Just watched "crash." Wow. I liked it. I liked "brokeback" too.

Have a great weekend. See you monday!

I spend a lot of my time inside. Especially through the (soon to be over) winter. This weeks show and tell is especially poignant for me as i just spent one of the longest and loneliest winters of my life looking through these windows.

The kitchen window is the one i spend the most time looking out. I see trees. In the winter it is dark and wet and lonely and makes me wonder what the hell i am doing here in the middle of nowhere. Nobody to talk to. Nothing to do. Too wet to go out. Too depressing to stay home. But then spring comes and even in the woods things begin to change.

The other window i look out all the time is a corner window off of the living room, which is not to be mistaken for the playroom. the playroom is where the toys and tv and computer are. In the living room it's all books and music and fire. I don't spend much time here, but i love it. No toys allowed. It's always clean. I never though i would have a room like that (it's not off limits to kids or their music, or books - just toys) but now that i do i know why it's so awesome.

Please accept my apology for crappy photo quality, it is late and i really wanted to participate but damn it's late.

Show and Tell is brought to you by blackbird go and check out some more.

scene one

5:00 pm

interior: playroom

scene: mother sleeping face down on floor. toddler building town with blocks nearby. two girls playing at computer nearby. six year old boy driving cars on mothers back.

zoom in: mother snoring

zoom in: four year old girl (girl 1)

girl 1: "when is mommy going to make dinner?"

girl 2 (eight years old): "ssshhhh. she's sleeping AND grumpy."

zoom in: mom drooling

zoom in: toddler joining in with parking cars on mothers back. starts building block city on mothers back.

girl 1: "i'm starving!"

girl 2: "SSSHHH. here i'll get you some cereal."

scene two

5:34 pm

exterior: driveway. van pulling in.

interior: dad walks in door. takes in playroom scene.

dad: "sssshhhh! let's go out for dinner."

scene three

exterior: kids and dad climb into van and leave.

interior: mom jumps up. high fives nobody. gets glass of wine.

I'm in a quandry. In my third and fourth pregnancies i developed carpal tunnel syndrome. It disappeared shortly after the appearance of the bald, cute ones. But lately, the past 18 months to be exact, i have been typing a lot. A-hem - look around here. This stuff? It requires typing. And commenting hither and thither. More typing.

So, the burning wrists are back, numb fingers (three of them) on each hand, but on top of that my middle finger on my right hand is killing me. It's painful and swollen in the knuckle. Break it to me. This is the beginning of arthritis isn't it? I can take it.

I was in competitive diving for ten years. Five of those years i did platform diving. Everybody said "your going to get arthritis in your shoulders and hands from this." "At an early age!" But, it will be totally worth it because you're, like, number 13 on the canadian team! Not good enough for anything exciting like olympics, or commonwealth games, but 13!! And besides you'll be old then anyway, like 35.

And so, here i am. What can i do about this? I think i know all the answers that are coming - just live with it, or just live without it (typing).

Tuesday is the very, absolutely busiest day of the week for me. Every fourth tuesday i have a board meeting and don't get home until late. Last night it was 11:30. The board always holds a second meeting at the pub. mama-tulip asked what i love. So here it is:

• my automatic coffee maker. i have been known to suffer large amounts of anxiety when someone suggests i miss my morning coffee.


• listening to tristan play the piano


• "i met a girl" by wheat


• all of my good tv happens on one night. sunday. sopranos, big love, greys anatomy.


• little toddler hands rubbing my back first thing in the morning


• the sound of a big snowfall


• the first sunny day after a long, wet winter


• watching sleeping kids


• family dinners, everyone laughing, eating, enjoying each other


• sleeping in, some day

Coming later! It's that time of year again! Broody hens in the drowninginkids compound!

I have a breastfeeding category for archiving my posts into. I thought that once i weaned parker i wouldn't add anything else to it. But oh! i was wrong. Because now i can worry and obsess about what breastfeeding for those many, long years has done to me.

The other day though i realized it's not that bad. Yet. I figure the worst is still yet to come.

But enough about me!

Shane has been eagerly awaiting the day when the ratty, threadbare nursing bra would come off. I know some women are okay with their partners having access to the boobies while lactation is happening. Not me! Poor shane, cry me a river, has waited since 1996 to see them again. I never really warned him way back then that he had better say his goodbye's so he felt a little ripped off. He never got to cop a last feel. (Not that he didn't try.)

That has been the second part of the problem that has been causing me some anxiety and kept me robed at all times in, at least, a bra. The last time he saw felt full frontal i was 26. I was 26 and i had never had any children. I was 26 and thin and perky and small nippled.

How can i compete with my 26 year old self?

So, the other night whilst laying down together i lifted up my bra and gave him access. For a brief moment. I tell you he smiled like a fifteen year old after a drive-by flashing.

Then it occurred to me. He doesn't care what they look like. He's waited so long they could be deflated watermelons after a draught and he'd still be happy. He just wants them back.

Those of you who know me know that before i had children i had a dog. Pesto. I purchased pesto out of the back of a pickup truck at the mall. He was a cute little shepard cross. And, like that big red dog that we all hate, he grew and he grew. Pesto was a dominant male who i spent hundreds of hours training. Oh how i loved my pesto.

Then we had kids. And the big dog knocked them over. And we lived in a little house in the city. And there was no room. So pesto went to live with grandma and grandpa on saltspring island. He is quite the friend to everyone in fulford harbour. And now! Now we live on two acres in the country and we have no babies and pesto is coming home. All twelve years of him! I'm so excited.

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Last week when we were at the allergist he suggested that we could take parker and eliza off of singulair, their asthma medicine. So we did. And now parker is sick with a cold and asthma and back on puffers and pills and singulair. So much for that. Phhppplttt!!! to doctors.

*****************************************

We had a perfectly perfect spring break culminating in a wonderful weekend at saltspring. A few photos can be found by clicking the photo below!

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For dinner! Tonight! Chicken breasts! Tonight i had them brushed with dijon, then egg wash, flour, fried in olive oil and butter. Pan scrapings mixed with whole milk and cream - served on the side with rice and broccoli. A hit! Next the lemon juice and olive oil recipe from chair. And many more to come! Keep those recipes coming! I am no longer afraid of the raw chicken!

Woah! I'm pooped. But i have some questions. Nothing major. But all answers totally appreciated!

1. Chicken breast recipes - i just bought 10 kilograms of individually wrapped boneless skinless chicken breasts. Organic and free range. Very expensive. But i never cook with breasts. Really i just make whole roast chicken. Send me your favourites!

2. My wrists - are on fire! I spent the last few days typing a huge report for the school. Is this why my wrists hurt? Will it go away? Diary of a wimp here.

3. Bed Wetting - my six year old, toby, still wears a pullup to bed. I know not a big deal, we don't make a big deal of it. But what should i be doing aside from the getting him up to pee, limiting water after dinner... all the regular things. We are heading into sleepover territory and it gets complicated.

4. What do you think of Big Love? Personally, i loved it.

I hate your word verification! Some of you use swirly scripty text that confuses the hell out of my eyes. Especially! If i have had a glass, or two, of wine. If you must use it please keep it to words like "yes" "no" "beer" and "fart." No swirly letters allowed.

A few weeks ago i asked Paige at miss domestic if there was any way to get all her awesome mp3's grouped into one place. She came through with this great morning mix.

I downloaded it about a week ago and since then i have been listening to it non-stop. Luckily i have had a few long car trips and have found reason to go out driving at night. because, for me? I only really get to listen to music in the car. Especially in the car alone!

I love my new cd! It makes me miss my stolen ipod a little less. It makes me realize there is a lot of really great music out there.

It makes me understand why i love paige! And how does she do all that she does anyway?

Tristan and toby just left for two nights at their grandma and grandpa's house. They always look forward to it. It's nice for us too because parker and eliza are that much younger and less demanding.

This time though i didn't want them to go. We've had such a nice spring break of doing not much of anything, but days packed full of fun little adventures. We've just been enjoying being all together. Eliza really misses them when they are at school. Parker is still a little bit too young for her to really play with. This is the biggest problem with her not going to preschool - she gets bored.

Anyway. After they left i was thinking how spring break is just about over and all the fun things we never did. It's always this way. After they go to bed, or in this case away, i always make plans and think to myself "tomorrow i will do better. i'll let the house be messy and the laundry pile up. it will be fine!"

But then the day comes and my time is so consumed with the work part of running a house full of six people. How i wish we could afford cleaners. And come to think of it a chef and someone to do the laundry. Oh! And the gardening. But we can't. And you know when i let things pile up? It stresses me out. I get all agitated and grumpy thinking about the work i will just have to do at some later point. So the day is broken up by bits of housework and bits of fun.

It's the best i can do. But i always wish for more time. More time with them and more time without them. Something like a 36 hour day.

We spent the afternoon playing outside as these kids are driving me crazy! When they ride their bikes on the driveway i usually put a few cones at the end of it so that people don't turn in quickly. Parker turned the placement of the cones into a major power struggle. Most of the time when he has a little spaz i find it hard not to crack up right in front of him. So today i photographed the whole thing (which really bugged him.)

So behold the beauty of a 2 year old tantrum in photos:

You see this cone? I want this cone "ON THE ROAD!" Mom says "But parker we don't put the cones on the road. They'll get run over."

I'm gonna show you, stupid cone! (Chuck #1) Stupid mom! The cone goes on the road!

There! Now i'm walking away and you better not touch that cone!

The cone? It was getting a little sad.

So, i tried to move it. Which resulted in chuck #2.

"Go away. It's perfect."

Then i came over (laughing) to move it which resulted in chuck #3.

At which point in time he changed his mind and decided "NOT ON THE ROAD!" and chucked it into the ditch across the road.

Where he ran back to protect them when i came near. "GO AWAY!!!! LEAVE THEM ALONE!!!"

Then he came back over to our side of the road and nonchalantly attempted to kick the other cones into the ditch on our side.

When that failed we had chuck#4.

And that was the end. And soon after he walked away like this.

And that is why i love two year olds.

Yesterday we (the four kids and i) spent the day in victoria visiting the pediatric allergist for eliza. I don't talk much about her peanut/treenut allergy because i know that it's one of those tough things for people. I know that it's hard when you get a note home from school asking for a nut-free classroom and you have a fussy child who only likes to eat PB&J. Believe me i know. It was tough for us. Obviously for me shelling out $8 for a teeny tiny jar of pea-butter peanut butter is worth every penny. I get that for those without an allergy in their family this IS a big deal in these days of tight wallets and huge grocery bills. We have learned to switch it up a little with cheese sandwiches, turkey pepperoni - all sorts of things that are not those terribly awful lunch in a box convenience food things.

Except, of course, if my child dies after your kindergartner eats PB&J for snack and then gums some toy and my child touches it with her hands and then picks her nose. Except for then. Then, maybe, the nut free classroom makes sense. She has a right to go to school, doesn't she?

So, you see, i can't keep my mouth shut once i start. So, i just don't start. It's a good thing i'm president of that damn school she's going to next year.

Anyway, we were in victoria for the day. It was nice. We drove around our old neighbourhood and all the houses we lived in, one child born in each. I would stop and tell them about the house they were born in and why we loved it. Then we went to our park, normal park we called it.

Every single day, rain, snow, sun, i would bundle one, two and eventually three kids up to go to that park. For six years, from 2:00 until dinnertime, everybody knew where i would be. And yesterday? I missed it so much. I sat playing with parker in the sandbox and was flooded with memories of pushing tristan in the baby swing, building endless sand castles, watching her ride around and around the play area first on a tricycle, then a two-wheeler with training wheels, then just a two wheeler with toby chasing behind on his motorized truck while i pushed eliza in the baby swing, and eventually, right before we moved away, hobbling in to show off parker while my other three roared around with their friends collecting flowers and cleverly hidden treasures.

Once in my life i had a circle of friends who shared in all the ups and downs of raising children and being married and finding jobs, losing loves, moving on - all the adult things.

When i met them i had just one child. I was righteous in the way new mothers can be, certain that i was the only one practicing this thing called attachment parenting. Certain that i was still cooler than everyone else, but so lonely. I happened upon them at the park that i walked through on my way to the mall to get a starbucks. Instantly, they pulled me into their circle. What a wonderful thing. I remember their children turning two and i also remember them turning six. The births of siblings. The extension of the park family.

And then we moved away. And i had every intention of keeping in touch. But distance really does become a barrier. And i change. And they change.

But i still miss them and the missed opportunity of watching their children grow.

It's no secret that i have had a pretty crappy winter. One of the hardest things about being a socially anxious mom is how being home with kids makes you crawl deeper into your shell. I think most mothers of 0-4 year olds who stay home with the kids know that a huge portion of your time is spent *at home*. Even if you manage to get out to playgroups or classes (for us it's kindermusic and tumbling) the majority of time is spent with your children without contact with the grown-up world. I think, for me, it's magnified by living in the country, a lack of friends and a fear of making friends.

I spent most of my winter stuck in the middle of feeling totally miserable and overwhelmed while at the same time completely, blissfully in love with my children. Those two feelings don't really go together and at the end of most everyday i would lay awake and wonder what the hell i was doing.

Then as spring began to arrive i was completely blown away by the arrival of anxiety. I haven't had full scale panic attacks for ten years. Out of nowhere they came back a few weeks ago and left me begging at the door of some bloggy friends for help, support, advice and even medication. I have been trying to take better care of myself, which in retrospect is total bullshit as i stay up way too late, eat crap and call dancing with the kids exercise. In my mind i am trying to feel better.

And through all those things i still cherish every day and every moment with my kids. Part of my anxiety is not doing all of this right. Somehow fucking things up so badly that something bad really does happen. Or even worse, that they are unhappy. Or grow up to be unhappy. I want to take the joy i see in their faces every day, as young children, and bottle it up and give it back to them when they are suffering through that horrible thing called being a teenager.

I guess i want everything to be okay. And despite all my best efforts i really have no control over this whole crazy mothering thing.

And then, all of the sudden, in the past week i felt better. Way better. Spring is coming. My sex drive is back, i think partly because of the ending of the booby which caused my hormones to settle back into some semblance of where they may have been back in 1996 when i was a randy newlywed getting knocked up (whew!). But today it dawned on me that maybe that change in mood, with the anxiety in the middle, was a little too rapid. Maybe i'm back to my old cycle of depression and hypo-mania. Maybe i'm still all screwed up. Maybe it's time for the doctor.

3 things you wish for (just for you)
1. sleep
2. patience
3. magical ability

3 things you would do to/for yourself if there was no one to judge you (or if you had the guts to do it!)
1. buy some long hair
2. rent a house in spain for a year
3. definitely new boobs and a brazillian

3 bad habits you have
1. yelling
2. chocolate and wine
3. gas

3 insecurities you feel
1. my teeth need whitening but i can't afford it
2. talking to someone one on one
3. that i'm fun enough for my kids

3 talents/skills you wish you had
1. i wish i had the patience for photoshop
2. i wish i could design and code my own blog
3. i wish i could write and play music

3 things that you would do if you had more time
1. exercise
2. garden
3. use that purple vibrator shane got me

3 things that bring you peace/relaxation
1. kids having fun
2. belly laughs
3. a glass of wine followed by some hanky panky

3 things that spark your creativity
1. kids, dogs, chickens, husband
2. depression
3. music

Thank you mama tulip! I'll tag everybody below and belinda, Supa, and debbie. Suckers!!

We have two amazing kids sleeping over tonight. They are brother and sister. He's 9 and she's 11. They are the kind of kids that would fit easily into my family and make me happy to have six!

Plus, their mom is one of those people that you know from the instant you meet them that they are kind and generous. The kind of person we all need in our lives. She also happens to work at the very best restaurant in our neck of the woods and her husband is the chef. Most definitely the people you want in your life!

They are both working tonight and were in need of a babysitter. I offered up our house without hesitation. As we were sitting eating dinner with all six! kids i was laughing and having so much fun and everything just felt really nice. I thought that this is how i hope it is when my kids visit their friends houses. Friends, good friends, when you find them they are like family.

I had a point somewhere here and now i've lost it. I think i just really like good people. I like nice kids. I like having my house full of loud, laughing, stomping when they should be sleeping - kids.

Ten glorious days without making lunches, waking up too late to get the kids to school on time with hair and teeth brushed. My kids are the ones with chronically messy hair. Fresh breath is a must though.

I declare this a week of sleep. Sleep for jess. I must get rid of the dark circles under my eyes. And oh yes! A week of new things to read. Starting with these:

Another jen! She's young and pretty and in love Awesome!

holy shit! another one! a canadian jen too

tales of poop awesome!

not a jen! but canadian!

wrote me the nicest letter ever! dude!

not quite four kids - but awesome dude!

a mom w/big kids who swears!

on a boat w/ababy totally awesome!

I could go on and on and on. Spread the love people.

Wait one more before i go:

doggy blogging zoe style totally awesome!

Surprisingly, this is a first for me. Shane took the kids to the park on sunday so that i could clean the house and eliza came home with the precursor to this lovely shiner. Apparently, (and why does this always happen with the dads?) she fell off the top of the slide, toppled head first (cheek first) into the spiral part of the slide.

But, as kids tend to be, she's a tough little monkey.

They are tired. They have dark circles. I should go to bed earlier. But! I am up trying to get show and tell done because i really like blackbird

Yes I know who you remind me of
A girl I think I used to know

Supa sent me this awesome photo (framed in lovely black) because i picked a few words. I am so happy to have this artwork hanging on my wall for many reasons.

First, because it reminds me that i know cool people and those people designed my site for me. And! And she's beautiful and cute with a son who is even cuter and more beautifuler.

Second, it reminds me that this life, the blogging life, that i participate in is real and perfect and without which i would surely have died this winter. At the very least i would be a withering wilting depressed mass.

Third, i love photos. And this is a good one.

We have snow! A lot of snow! It's a snow day!

Watching my kids leap out of bed this morning so excited to see the ground piling up with snow filled me with such joy and fond memories. When i was young there was nothing better than waking up to a sheet of fluffy white outside.

I have lots of pictures i took yesterday and i will take more today. Including pictures of our first shiner!

I was just snuggling with parker and reading him some books (again). This boy, he loves them books. Sometimes, when i see him come walking around the corner with his seventeenth stack of books in an hour, i run and hide. Please don't ever let him have difficulty with reading or writing because i will surely look back on those moments and feel really bad.

Anyway, I said to him; "i really love you parker, do you love me?"

"I love you and dedmumblemumblemumble." He says.

"You love me and dad?"

"I love you and dedmumblemumblemumble." He says.

"You love me when i'm dead?" Worried.

"I love you in bed!" He says frustrated.

"You love me in bed?!"

"Yes, it is so good."

Perhaps the family bed was not the best option.

Why can't my kids be normal. Why for the sake of my sanity do they need to be attached to me ALL the time? Why, oh why can i never be alone?

In september eliza started a ballet class. She loved it so much that we signed her up for the whole year and went and got the special outfit and the cute little slippers. And she leaped and twirled and danced and glowed. For awhile.

And then? She saw me drive away one day while she was in class. Big mistake. From then on it all went downhill. Each week i promised her i would not leave. I would stand right outside the doors so that she could see me through the window. I would entertain parker with cars and trucks at my feet while giving her reassuring glances through the window. Soon even that wasn't close enough. I had to come inside and sit and watch which is frowned upon by the teachers. So, parker and i would sit and watch and yawn and try to be quiet. If we made a move towards the door eliza would break down in tears.

Now, as long as all this happened according to her wishes she would still have fun and dance and twirl and be filled with joyous leaps.

This week she wouldn't go. Would not go. I am too tired to keep forcing these things. No preschool here in our house. All kids all the time until kindergarten.

The thing is if i let her quit i know i'm saying that it's okay to give up on things that scare you a little or are a challenge. It's okay to not try to face your fears. And she's so shy. So painfully shy.

On the other hand if i make her go we will all be miserable and i will be angry and probably not phrase my words properly when i talk to her.

Conundrums.

This morning while i was in the shower parker asked if he could join me. Up until recently parker and eliza showered with me every morning. Then in a moment of brilliance, or bad parenting up to you, i bought a small tv for my bedroom so that they could watch, or waste their minds again up to you, preschool programming while i tended to the garden.

Now all of a sudden i find myself wanting those showers alone. My sister, who's experience as a doctor and seeing all the manicured gardens got me into this whole bikini waxing and shaving, let me know that her five year old daughter definitely noticed when things changed down there in the pubic region. Something along the lines of "mommy! you look just like me now!"

I have been avoiding letting the kids see me naked ever since i purchased stocks in venus razors and aveeno shave cream. This is a change in our house where we avoid, as much as possible, negative body image. Shane and i no matter what our inner turmoil may be have tried to model confidence and pride in our bodies. Lately though i've tried to stay wrapped up in a towel until i get undies on and demand privacy in the shower. The children? They have noticed.

So last week i decided to let it all grow back. Au naturel. So to speak. But as of this morning i couldn't take the itch any longer. The itch! It is almost worse than it was when i first did the bikini shave. Walking around scratching or with my hand down my pants is hardly acceptable on the playground.

So, this morning i wanted some privacy in the shower so that i could attend to the itch causing problems. And parker wanted in! But, he's only two. So, he got his bob the builder razor and shaved his legs and pits right along with me. We left the garden for another day.

Tuesday is my very busiest day of the week. From the moment i get up from this computer i will go, go, go until i sit my ass back down here around 9:00 tonight. That's 13 hours!

But, the pain! Oh my holy shit! The pain!

Yesterday i moved a pile of dirt from our driveway into the garden. The dirt sat through the rain, the sleet and the snow. It collected quadruple it's mass in water.

I huffed and i puffed. I shoveled every bit of dirt away and when i was done? I danced for an hour with Parker while dinner was cooking. Not slow dancing, but jumping up and down belly-laughing dancing.

This morning? Send help. Can't move. Typing is causing much pain. Send Advil.

Okay, so this summer i'm going to this thing (ssshhhhh blogher).

I jokingly asked someone (ssshhhh jenB!) if she could style me for the event. You see all my clothes they come from *cough* costco or old navy. I've become cheap. I've become stuck in the costco summer cropped pants and jeans in the winter. On top? I wear t-shirts and sweaters. And coats. Lots of coats. And scarves.

And california? That place is foreign to me. People with big lips and big boobs? Actually, i have big lips and big boobs. Just not that kind of big boobs. Big post-lactating boobs and ripply middle section.

So do me! What can i wear? Five feet seven inches, size 10 and hating of the tight clothes. Liking the black. Hating the white. Loving sandals and black boots. Nothing in between. No credit.

I feel as though the weight of thousands of gallons of rain have been lifted. Spring has begun to show it's weary face. It still rains. A lot. But, in between we have had many beautiful days of sunshine.

Oddly enough shane tends towards depression in the spring. It makes no sense to me how he can skip his way through the long dark days of winter, but come the longer sunnier days of spring he retreats into his own despair.

Anyway. We had a lovely weekend full of sunshine and baseball and frolicking puppies. All of the fun can be seen on flickr!

I also spent large amounts of my weekend time sleeping! So nice. I stayed up late friday night talking dirty on IM with jenB! and Belinda! I rarely find the time to sign on and instant message, but when i do you can bet that some wine and late night sloshy "i luff you's" from me will be involved. Go ahead! Add me to your friends list - drowninginkids - duh.

So it was the academy awards tonight. Blah, blah, blah. Am i the only person in north america who doesn't give a rat's ass?

I love movies. I hate actors. I do, however, love Jon Stewart. But, the actors? What the hell is up with the women and the lips and the lack of hips and the zero personality?

Actually, i missed most of the actual show and i'm sitting drinking a beer and watching some live broadcast after-thing. And do you know who i've seen? Lindsay Lohan, Suzanne Somers, Dolly parton (the lips!), John Travolta and Meadow from the Sopranos. What the hell am i watching?

I hate these people.

Earlier shane and i went to see Brokeback Mountain. So good. So sad. So good. Way better than The Constant Gardener in my mind.

Then we had 45 minutes left in grandma/grandpa time so we went to the pub for nachos and a beer and caught 30 minutes of Academy Awards on the big screen tv while hockey played at the exact same volume on the other 32 small screens in the bar. I'm not sure, but i think Glenn Close and lily Tomlin had a brawl resulting in a penalty. Or else there was a very small hockey team playing in a barbie dollhouse with Lily Tomlin in rainbow knee socks.

Tonight while shane was sitting on the couch and i was kneeling in front of him i was thinking about you!

Actually, it started earlier today when i was driving home from costco ($409 spent thank-you very much) i was feeling a little anxious about money and the money i had just spent. I have a few cd's that i listen to in the car since my iPod was stolen. Usually i'm not in the car long enough to get through any of them. But, since costco is 30 minutes each way i listened to most of this particular mix and at the end was one of, actually probably my most favourite song ever, rebound (acoustic version) by sebadoh. I know the majority of you will have no idea what that song is and that is really not the point.

The point i was pondering was how favourite songs speak volumes about a person when you really listen to them.

The first time i heard rebound was when i working at the radio station at UVic. I was at the tail end of my own personal hell which was a double major (my chronic overachieverness here) in english honours and women's studies. I loved english. Every single book. Even chaucer. Women's studies, however, took me on a wild ride that was a little like a martini - one part insecurity, one part lesbians, one part post modern theory with a dash of patriarchy, shaken - i felt so confused. So unsure of where i was in the world and how the hell i was going to figure it all out.

Anyway, a boy who in retrospect would be on my freebie list, scott w. gray, asked me to come listen to the song in one of the mixing booths. I broke down in tears halfway through the song because it spoke such volumes to me. It still does.

So, what's your favourite song? Why?

My children, as i suspect most others, are very fussy eaters. I started with all the best intentions. Offering a variety of foods right from the start. I remember making my own organic baby food and offering lots of green vegetables to go along with the sweet potato and banana. As they got older i would use the food grinder to give them whatever tasty offering we were having for dinner.

Then they got older and impressionable. Then they had older brothers and sisters that were fussy. And now every night when i put dinner on the table i am met with a chorus of noses in the air whilst repeating their mantra "what else is there?!"

There are very few meals i can make that they will all eat; spaghetti w/meat sauce, spaghetti w/meatballs, sausages with broccoli and cheese sauce, tofu and snap peas w/rice, tacos, burgers, marinated flank steak w/salad and roast chicken w/ the trimmings. That's about it. I know it might not look that bad, but there are 365 nights in a year and we never eat out because of eliza's allergies and eight meals get old pretty fast.

Amazingly one other meal has recently entered our repertoire and this is really freaky. Freaky in a "what the hell is wrong with my children?" kind of way. They love, LOVE, mussels, clams and scallops. In a coconut, curry broth. In linguine like the kennedys make. Pan-fried. You name it, they'll eat em and even call them "ears." As in "i want more ears!"

Last night in an effort to expand our repertoire a bit i asked a friend with equally fussy kids what hers like and she suggested meat balls with cheesy tomato rice. Sounds a little too Kraft casserole for me, but i decided i'd try it. Because the cooking is killing me. I love to cook really good food, full of fresh aromatic ingredients. I'm a good cook. I can't keep cooking the same things.

So, i called the kids for dinner, brought out a dish of meatballs (turkey tonight) and was met with a chorus of "meatballs! yum!" Then i went and got the casserole with rice, tomato sauce and cheese. I placed it on the table and lifted the lid. Toby burst into hysterical tears. No words or complaints just huge heaving tears because i had done the ultimate sacrilige, the mixing of the foods. Without permission or warning. I had mixed flavours and food groups. Horror.

Eliza tried some, burst into tears and barfed ONTO her plate. Tristan ran from the room gagging and screaming. And parker. The boy of spring loaded gag reflex. He vomited upon seeing the vomiting.

Tristan, my eight year old daughter, wrote this poem for me in boynton style.

Mom

You see her teeth when she's mad
and her eyebrows are waxed
she smiles a lot
and gives us all she's got.

Should i laugh or cry?