high maintenance machine

I have been feeling like my bucket is full. I have taken on too much and my body is breaking down. I'm sick with a cold, but that's okay because i can now take neo citran for the first time in many, many years. The upside to weaning parker is feeling no guilt about anything i put in my body.

It's not the cold it's the stress. Difficult toddlers, board members that act like difficult toddlers, husband of many temper tantrums, the long depressing winter, the isolation, the hitting, biting and screaming.

Last week i found myself lying in bed beside a stressed out husband who just wanted to get lucky and i had a full blown panic attack. I haven't had one of those in a long time. Probably twelve years.

Then on saturday night, after our get lucky more than once! valentines re-do on friday, shane and i went out for dinner as his mom and dad had stopped by. We went to our favourite thai place in victoria and had a delicious dinner. When we were ready to leave i went to the washroom and was immediately and ferociously taken over by nausea and massive intestinal gurgling. In a panic we headed to the car and started for home. I was full of anxiety, feeling like crap, just wanting to get out of the damn city. I was so scared i was going to have to lean out the window and throw-up on a city sidewalk with people all around. I just wanted to be home in the country where no one can see you lose bowel control whilst barfing.

It didn't last long. When we got home i let go of that dinner once and for all and felt better by morning. It's the anxiety that is sticking with me. I just can't keep up with all the demands on me. I am falling into bad habits. Staying up way too late. Relying on food, chocolate and alcohol to make me feel better. I need spring.

Posted by Jess at 09:41 AM Permalink

Comments (8)

Becky

Winter does that to me, too, although not to the same extent as with you. Of course, I only have two kids, so I'm much farther away from actually drowing, I'm just treading water in the middle of the ocean :)

I hope spring comes to you soon, and brings calm and relaxation.

Posted by Becky | February 20, 2006 10:35 AM

Sarcastic Journalist

Gah, I feel for you. But, on the upside, did your husband feel cool about the fact that getting it on made you have a panic attack?

Posted by Sarcastic Journalist | February 20, 2006 12:23 PM

Wenchy

Hey... I know about anxiety... attacks and feeling like that bucket got full MONTHS if not years ago.

Panic attacks can be so scary for the one having it and the one watching.

Hope that feeling lifts soon!!

Posted by Wenchy | February 20, 2006 02:39 PM

Belinda

Oh, soooooo been there. And so sorry it's happening to you now. And I'm assuming you're not relying simply on waiting for spring, but since you don't have to worry about tainted mommy-milk, you will be seeking whatever medical treatment you need? Big hugs.

Posted by Belinda | February 20, 2006 08:57 PM

wordgirl

I'm feeling for you, Jess. Here in Texas, we love Spring, but it's so short and erratic and it leads us into a hellishly hot summer where we have to use potholders to open our car doors.

Posted by wordgirl | February 20, 2006 09:13 PM

mama_tulip

Oh girl, I hear ya. Julia was crying yesterday because she wants to go outside so badly and play. I was like, ME TOO.

Posted by mama_tulip | February 21, 2006 11:08 AM

Occidental Girl

Chocolate, wine and staying up late only work for so long. I know, I do it all the time!

Not to go all "mom" on your ass, but when I get this way, I pare down what I do to as little as possible, and add something that refreshes my soul. Do something to refresh your soul, and to hell with the laundry for a day!

Posted by Occidental Girl | February 21, 2006 11:36 AM

Chantal

Your life just changed in a huge way. Don't discount what weaning can do to your mind and body. Especially after doing it as long as you did. Your relationship with your husband will change too, but it's gonna take figuring out. (And is he getting up with Parker at all?).

Anxiety attacks are not good. I know. They suck ass!

Posted by Chantal | February 21, 2006 12:02 PM