One of the things lacking from my rural home is a lack of colour. More specifically and without meaning to be politically incorrect, i miss my gay friends. I live in heterosexual land. To be fair we do have a couple of wonderful two mommy families at the kids school. I am grateful to have them around so that my children can be exposed to, at least, a little bit of "alternative" lifestyle. As an aside i hate having to say alternative - what is the better way to say that?

Anyway, before i dig myself into a hole any larger, i have missed my friends in the city from all different walks of life. Until a few days ago.

Our new neighbour had noticed my chickens across the road (why do they cross the road?) and came over to introduce himself and ask if he could buy eggs from us. The kids and i went over later with a couple dozen eggs for him and he introduced us to his partner. Another charming fellow. I don't know if it's wrong of me to be so thrilled to see some new character in my neighbourhood, but i really want my kids to meet and know all the different kinds of families and people there are in the world. I want them to be compassionate and caring and respectful. I want them to know that the world is wide open for them.

The funny part is that the following day i noticed a big pile of feathers in the yard and a hen was missing. I mentioned to the kids that checkers the hen was missing and we went on with our day. It actually snowed on saturday so the kids and i went to search out toboganning spots in the neighbourhood. As we passed our new neighbours house i saw him out on his step and waved. He yelled out "Jess! Is that you?" I walked up his driveway to say hi and he continued with:

"I'm not sure how to tell you this. I feel so bad. As i was walking my dog by your house earlier she ran in and caught one of your chickens! I chased her home and then she just spit it out. The chicken seemed fine and so i thought she'd just go home. But, i came outside an hour ago and she's sitting by my door and she's really freaking me out!"

I couldn't help but laugh.

He said "I can't believe it. You meet your neighbour one day and your dog eats their chickens the next!"

"Don't worry" i told him and went and scooped up checkers.

"Oh my god! You just pick them up! Carry them around!"

The chicken was fine. She has a few puncture wounds - nothing life threatening. And now my new neighbour, fresh from the city has a good story to tell and hopefully i have a new friend on the block.

My anxiety levels are rising and falling. I can't find any trigger or 'thing' that starts it. Last night i had several bad dreams again. This morning i woke up at 6:00am and thought i wouldn't get back to sleep, but i woke up an hour later sweaty and full of adrenaline. I dreamt that eliza and toby went missing. Most of my bad dreams involve losing my kids. It got much worse after parker walked out the door and down the road last summer. He was only 21 months old. It will forever sit at the front of my most terrifying moments memories.

Then this morning i find this blog. It just makes me so sad and scared. Scared that all of this can be lost.

It's really the hardest part of being a parent isn't it.

Tonight as i was putting parker to bed we were chatting and snuggling and enjoying each other. Every night when i put him to bed i sing him a few songs, itsy bitsy spider, you are my sunshine and take me out to the ball game, then i kiss him and tell him i love him and i'll see him in the morning. Then he says "i love me too mommy. Night night. Sleep tight. See you in the morning." It's all so damn cute it nearly kills me.

So, before our ritual tonight, but when he knew it was time, he looked at me with his bottom lip puffed out and quivering "still no booby mommy?"

"No parker. It's all gone now. You're doing such a good job."

"I really miss booby mommy."

"I know baby. Me too."

I swear at that moment i almost gave it all up and whipped it out for my baby. The quivering lip? It kills me.

Besides, i'm really not seeing the benefits over here. For these nine long years i have been dreaming of being able to take medicine when i'm sick, drink alcohol without guilt, have my formerly small boobs back, and lose these extra pounds that THEY told me would come off once i finished breastfeeding. Fat storage my ass! It's just fat and it's here to stay apparently. Unless of course i actually do something about it.

I took medicine and it totally freaked me out. Drinking? Eh, whatever. I never really worried anyway because there is no way i could live for nine years without alcohol. And! And! MY BOOBS! They are still huge. Well, huge for me. (This should be a good google night) I am comfortable as a 36B or even C. That is the way i always was and that is what i want back. Even if they do sag and my nipples are radically different from the nice little flat, pink ones i used to have. Even if all those things why are they not getting smaller?

So? Why the hell did i do this? Oh i know, i know! The whole having to go at kindergarten snack time and give him his booby thing.

Last night all the kids decided to sleep i my bed. Again. It's been nice having shane away. Except that i have been staying up way too late. Really enjoying some solitude. Generally puttering around the house for hours every night. No television. Just the blissful sounds of silence.

When i put the kids to bed we were all saying good night to each other john-boy style. Each taking turns saying good night to everybody. Several times.

When parkers turn came he lined up his water bottles above his pillow.

"Good night water. Goodnight other water. Goodnight oldest water. Love me water."

I think my boobs have been replaced by a line up of water. And apparently he loves them more than all of us.

After months of rain, literally, we have had a week of sunshine. To celebrate i took parker and eliza to 'the galley.' A restaurant that overlooks the lake that is ten minutes down the road from us.

It started with the 'ramp.' It was all eliza could talk about on the way there. Why? Is beyond me.

And then! The view! And binoculars!

Overlooking the lake! And a marine fuel station!

And then the menu! What to eat?

Fish and chips and? Fish and chips!

And for me? A BLT with salad and raspberry balsamic dressing (out of the bottle i think). A little too much mayo, but still good.

Thanks blackbird in tuvalu! for show and tell.

I have had the absolutely most perfect mommy day. I really want to share it because, well, it can't be all shit right? These are the days that make it all worthwhile - all magical.

Shane is away. Funny. The perfect days often happen without him. I'm not sure if that is a result of or in spite of. Anyway he's off doing a bootcamp in seattle. Not the excercise kind - that would be funny - he's leading a bootcamp in enrollment marketing for post-secondary schools. We live an easier life without him. I find myself saying to my four kids "we're all alone tonight!" One person down out of six makes us all alone. Believe me i see the irony.

Not only did i take parker and eliza out for lunch, we all went out for dinner. Donairs! Yum. Smelly house tonight.

To backtrack, (i want to take my time here which is hard for me) after school we came home and it started to snow. Giant golfball size snowflakes. As it started to stick i told the kids that we had better go out and get supplies. Make sure the fridge was stocked because last year we were snowed in for five days without electricity. Living in an area with so many trees we often lose power for long periods during stormy weather.

So we headed off to the laughable "city" of duncan and bought some groceries and the all-important science fair stuff.

To explain that, the kids have a science fair next week and tristan is doing a project on the effects of different types of feed on the colour of egg yolks in our chickens. All cool and fun, except that with the cold weather our hens have been sporadic layers.

Then we went for the kids favourite dinner - donairs. Anything that doesn't involve the requisite kids meal of nuggets and fries is good to me, especially when parker and eliza had that for lunch. So, no dishes and cooking - twice in one day. Awesome!

When we came home the snow had sadly stopped and left behind lots and lots of ice. Tristan and i atempted to find all the chickens and put them to bed. You see, snow? It freaks the hens out. They just stop in their tracks when it starts and if night happens to fall? They go to sleep. Right there. In the woods, in the way of the car, on the little tykes cozy coupe, on the compost pile, on the trampoline. You get the idea.

Then, as it is survivor night, the night that tristan stays up late and we snuggle and laugh and share chocolate and generally catch up on where my oldest daughter is. It's not much. but it has been our night for many years now. Toby really wants in on it but we find all kinds of ways to trick him into sleep on thursday nights. We tried to get everyone to bed before 8:00.

Tonight all the kids, as we do when shane's away, are sleeping in my room. We all laid down together and i told them a story of the family with four kids; oldest, oldest middle, youngest middle and youngest, and how they drive their mom crazy and how she loves them even though they are smelly and dirty and whine and cry because they are wonderful and beautiful and perfect and joyful.

As i was telling the story, squished in between oldest (tristan) and youngest (parker), tristan rubbed my back. I tell you i was in pure blissfull heaven. Surrounded by loving children; and my daughter who knows me so well, starts rubbing my back. Perfect.

And so we watched survivor and shared forbidden nutty chocolates and now they are all asleep and i am blissfully alone enjoying some yellow tail merlot.

Which reminds me of one last thing. I've been cheating on you! I have another blog with my only friend! Christle all about wine and beer and, for now, the search for good wine under $15. You can find it here!

Watching sesame street for an hour followed up with an hour on the laptop playing on the sesame street website?

That's educational and healthy right?

So i'm not really one to embrace the whole holistic health and homeopathy thing. I come from a doctor worshipping medicine loving family. The problem is i hate going to the doctor - really hate it.

I'm way overdue for my pap, but can't bring myself to drag my very nicely shaved parts to the doctor. I don't even take great care of myself. I mean i try. But, i take on too much, load myself up with stress, eat erratically and probably drink too much wine. Especially since i have an alcoholic brother and a family history of diabetes.

But, lately i've been experiencing some anxiety. In normal circumstances i could probably work my way through all of this with relaxing, exercising and increasing the joy in my life.

I just don't have time.

So, yesterday a good friend handed me a bottle of wine and a bottle of rescue remedy. Now doesn't that say something about the image i am projecting.

I will try the rescue remedy. At this point i would use the mystery machine if i thought it would help.

I'm all over the map recently. Today i am struggling/suffering through a huge sinus headache and many demands on my time and brain.

I have a mild cold and last night took some neo citron before bed. Ouch, i woke up several times with major anxiety and heart palpitations after some really nasty nightmares that, in retrospect, were more silly than scary as nightmares often are. Parker was up for several hours again itching and scratching from his eczema. *sigh* If it's not one thing it's another. That's how parenting goes though, right?

Thank you so much for all the kind and helpful suggestion to help with his constipation. He seems to have passed, ha!, the biggest and hardest part and now the trick is keeping him flowing. I will definitely up his fluid intake as well as get some other supplies for the next emergency!

Toby's teacher informed me today that he would probably have to spend an extra year in the primary grades. Such a blow. I know it will be for the best, if it happens and in the long run will help him. But, *bigger sigh* he has such a great group of friends who are all older than him and to add another grade between them will just be a huge thing for his ego. Plus, the whole wanting your child to be perfectly normal - that's hard for me. I just want it to be easier sometimes.

*very large big sigh*

But, yesterday a reporter called me from the globe and mail (canadian newspaper) who found me through my blog and interviewed me about the BC Budget. Ha! Should be in the paper tomorrow.

This morning shane was asking me "how come you're so mean to me?"

and Toby without missing a beat turned around and said:

"Because you annoy her!"

I have been feeling like my bucket is full. I have taken on too much and my body is breaking down. I'm sick with a cold, but that's okay because i can now take neo citran for the first time in many, many years. The upside to weaning parker is feeling no guilt about anything i put in my body.

It's not the cold it's the stress. Difficult toddlers, board members that act like difficult toddlers, husband of many temper tantrums, the long depressing winter, the isolation, the hitting, biting and screaming.

Last week i found myself lying in bed beside a stressed out husband who just wanted to get lucky and i had a full blown panic attack. I haven't had one of those in a long time. Probably twelve years.

Then on saturday night, after our get lucky more than once! valentines re-do on friday, shane and i went out for dinner as his mom and dad had stopped by. We went to our favourite thai place in victoria and had a delicious dinner. When we were ready to leave i went to the washroom and was immediately and ferociously taken over by nausea and massive intestinal gurgling. In a panic we headed to the car and started for home. I was full of anxiety, feeling like crap, just wanting to get out of the damn city. I was so scared i was going to have to lean out the window and throw-up on a city sidewalk with people all around. I just wanted to be home in the country where no one can see you lose bowel control whilst barfing.

It didn't last long. When we got home i let go of that dinner once and for all and felt better by morning. It's the anxiety that is sticking with me. I just can't keep up with all the demands on me. I am falling into bad habits. Staying up way too late. Relying on food, chocolate and alcohol to make me feel better. I need spring.

Since i weaned parker he sleeps through the night.

ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!~ oh i crack me up!

Since i weaned parker he wakes up every 20 minutes screaming for me. And then he takes forever to get back to sleep. Grey's Anatomy was a total bust last night. Such a bummer.

He's also very constipated. Yesterday i felt as though he was channeling his inner leta armstrong as i had to, literally, pull a giant hard as a rock poo from my babies little sore bum. He was screaming and crying and asking to go to the doctor.

I gave him lots of fruit and veggies yesterday, but i need help! I'm hoping he'll sleep better when his gut feels better.

How do you cure extreme constipation in a two year old?

The biggest problem i see with shane and i's parenting style is our complete lack of respect for authority or the social structures of authority. We have trouble sticking to schedules because we just don't really care.

I was surprised to hear my sister complain and, actually be vehemently opposed, to children calling adults by their first name. I am jess to all of my kids friends and i like it. I don't feel like mrs soandso. My sister said it showed a complete lack of respect for authority. It made me wonder what kind of authority i wanted to impose over my children and, for that matter, their friends. Of course i want my kids to listen to me and respect me but i also want them to form their own opinions and feel like it's okay to see the world differently than i do. I expect when they are at their friends houses that they will treat other parents with respect and be courteous. I also expect them to be kids. I expect other parents to keep my children safe when they are under their supervision. I'm not foolish enough to think that it will always be easy or that they will always respect me (even just a little bit), but i do hope that they always feel that i respect them and will protect them.

However, all that being said we had a good old cursing party at dinner tonight. Shane swears a lot and i try to bite my tongue and probably rarely swear. But, being a child at heart i always think swearing is fun and like the calling me by my first name thing don't really see it as a big deal. We talk about how you can't swear at school or at other peoples houses. And, in all honesty, they aren't allowed to swear at home. Except when we have the swearing fun party. The word of the night tonight was "goddammit" and parker had it perfected in seconds. Screaming at the top of his lungs "GODDAMMIT!!!" It really doesn't sound that funny now and i don't know what the hell we were thinking but, oh boy, did we laugh.

In the spirit of love and patience i granted shane a valentine re-do. Tonight.

Winter has arrived! For most of canada it would seem.

We are in the midst of a major storm and cold front. -15c. tonight apparently. Anyways, my power keeps going out and will probably soon go out for the long haul. The joys of country living (in the valley).

Parker is, i guess, officially weaned. Boobyless. He's a trooper. But he is waking up more than ever. Foiled again. I am hoping this is a temporary setback and soon blissful sleep will be mine.

I had a long meeting at the school today with a facilitator regarding some strategic planning. He called me a "chronic overachiever." It's had me thinking all day.

My parents would probably say i'm an underachiever. Not taking advantage of my education. Only a mom. I think about this all the time in regards to my daughters. When they tell me they want to be a mother it fills me with joy, yet at the same time, i want more for them. Why is that? Am i ashamed of who i am? Do i want more for me? Will i be employable after ten years at home? Why the hell do i spend full time equivalent hours volunteering for the school?

He asked me that, the facilitator, "have you thought about getting a job?"

Powers flickering. See you soon. I hope, unless the trees fall.

• i'm learning some html ho-ho!
• chair's revenge for my valentine slacker husband is too good not to share "Run him a nice sexy hot bath -complete with bubbles (this is important). When you're in the middle of a back rub and he has his eyes closed, dump a packet of that Rit dye powder into the water and quickly smooth bubbles over the area so he doesn't know the water is full of dye until! Until! It's Too Late!!" So awesome. I'll have to think up a prize for her.
• Remember that chevy chase movie where he buys a house in the country and it all goes to crap? Remember the dog that they bought that instantly ran away and you would see it run by every now and then? That is what my rooster i owned for four minutes is doing. Every now and then i hear his cock-a-doodle do's and then see him go running by somewhere out in the woods. Crazy rooster.
• Lost! Tonight! Although i'm not really feeling it lately it's still fun to watch. I totally have a crush on the junkie boy. So cute!
• tomorrow? i dunno but they say it's going to snow!

Oh how you guys crack me up! Flashing of the boobies! I am the woman who has just finished nursing for nine years! He hasn't seen those things since 1997. I have been wearing a bra 24 hours a day for nearly a decade.

Clean the toilet with his toothbrush! Ha, but gross. However, every morning when parker gets in the shower with me he wants to use my toothbrush to scrub the walls - i give him shane's.

No sex - done! To quote my friend jenijen four kids + two adults = zero peace. I do however KNOW that she is still getting lucky regularly.

Earlier today parker, eliza and i went to have coffee with shaniekins and he is feeling bad. I didn't display my disappointment at all. He just knew. I told him a $2 bunch of tulips would have been enough. He's talking about a weekend away - just the two of us!

I guess, in the end, i didn't need to do anything. I know he loves me, he writes songs about it. I am a wimpy romantic at heart and i married a lame as workaholic. But. But! I still love him.

Another contest!! Prizes, love and goodness from drowninginkids.

In honor of irene's awesome suggestion for revenging my husbands total assiness when it comes to celebrating me. I am taking your thoughts, suggestions and devious plans on how best to take out my revenge on shane.

Yeah! Bring it on! I'll pick a winner tonight and carry out the suggestion tomorrow!

My husband is the lamest, most unromantic man in the world. After reading all your posts about the lavish displays of affection bestowed on you by your perfect spouses i started to get my hopes up that maybe shane would come through. After all i bought him these:

He came through with NOTHING!

I should have known. It's not that i really care, or expected more. But really, nothing?

Last night he offered up a massage and nothing!

Parker wouldn't let me watch tv for more than a few minutes in between his wakeups so i gave up around 11:00pm and went to bed.

I spent the night kicking shane every time he snored, taking out a little of my frustration. Today, i will think up some devious payback scheme because that's what i do: seek revenge.

Funnily enough on this day of expressing your love for the loved ones in your life shane talked in his sleep last night about some other woman and i dreamt of my first love.

My mom always likes to tease me that i was a homely kid and honestly, i really was. I had thick curly frizzy unruly hair that overshadowed any beauty that may have been hiding under all of it.

When i was in grade 8 and starting high school i fell into the most intense and long lasting crush. His name was mark and he was a very cool, dark and brooding grade 9 boy. I remember memorizing his class schedule just so i could watch him walk down the hallway. His swagger sent me swooning. My crush lasted at least three years.

When i was in grade 10 someone let him know (it would have been impossible for him to not have known as i had obsessively followed him for three years) how i felt and at the valentine's dance he swaggered over to me for the last slow dance and said "I hear you want to dance with me."

And so we danced to madonna "crazy for you." I'll never forget that feeling of slow dancing with him. He never talked to me again after that.

Then one night many years later i was at a late night pizza place in vancouver after a night of dancing. I had recently broken up with a long term live in boyfriend and had begun dating shane. I wasn't with shane i was out with another mark; a friend visiting from london. I was 20 years young. And i had left that homeliness long behind.

Sitting alone at a booth beside us was the mark of my highschool crush. We started chatting and laughing. He poured hot peppers on my pizza and dared me to eat it. I did. I think at some point i introduced the two marks. My highschool crush mark asked how i knew his name.

"You KNOW me! I'm jess from highschool."

"No way!"

He took off the hat i was wearing. I knew at that moment that i had finally won the boy of my adolescent dreams. We never saw each other again.

Happy Valentine's Day to all my internet crushes!
xxoo

Well, i made it through my weekend, barely. We came home last night to very little fanfair. Parker was underwhelmed to see me. I was surprised. He seemed fine.

Until bedtime. I went to put him to bed and he smiled slyly at me and asked "booby now?"

"I'm sorry parker, it's all gone. I left them in vancouver."

And then my lovely young baby summoned the rage of a thousand scorned toddlers. He grabbed my face with both his hands, leaned in real close and yelled for twenty minutes;

"BOOBY BOOBY BOOBY...!!!!!!!"

It was quite the possession. I expected blood to spurt out his ears at any moment. Finally, i had to go and sleep in eliza's bed with her and let shane take over night three of operation booby drop.

So, last night i bored myself sleepy. I didn't really know what to do with myself. I sort of wandered around lost and feeling a cranky knot in my tummy. No matter how much i told myself parker was fine i couldn't stop wallowing in worry. I'm fairly certain all this is as hard on me as it is him.

I went to bed at 11:00 and felt pretty certain i wouldn't sleep a wink. Not a wink i tell you. That is until i woke up with a gasp and adrenaline rush at 5:30 in the morning. Six and a half hours of sleep! In a row, in a row in one night! Now, i'm sleepy as hell. I felt the wonderful lull of sweet, sweet deep sleep and i want more. I managed to doze on and off until the very reasonable hour of 8:30.

I spoke with a teary parker on the phone. He said "i love me mommy. can i have booby now?"

At that moment my heart burst into flames right in my chest. In between my rock hard right boob and empty left one.

Today, the girls (my gorgeous daughters tristan and eliza and my beautiful niece bryn) and i are going toobing at the ski hill and for haircuts. Tomorrow morning we are off to fancy pants brunch at the Hyatt.

If i make it through tonight.

I am heavy chested. Why? Because i am off on my girls weekend without parker! My boob, just one, is feeling a little overwhelmed. Parker has only nursed on the right side for quite some time. So, i'm lopsided - one large engorged boob and one happy go lucky little boob. Awesome! That is just what a girl coming off of cold sores, dry skin PMS acne zits and newly defined wrinklage needs to build that self esteem. Do they make bras for weirdo boobs like that?

I don't even know what to wear to bed tonight. Out of habit i brought my nursing bra and silky girly boxers. But, if the mood struck me i could sleep naked. In my parents house! The horror of it all.

Plus, sleep. I could, theoretically, sleep through the entire night. For the first time in almost nine years i am going to sleep alone and uninterrupted. Except for my GI-Normous righty booby.

I'm freaking out a little here. Plus! No alcohol. Fucking shit. I think tomorrow night i might even go out. With friends! I just have to find some of those - friends. That is if i can find an outfit to suitably hide my righty lefty booby problem.

We are sure interested in my wrinkles. Really, i'm not actually that wrinkled. I look 35. It's hard coming to terms with that. I feel the same as i did that day i fell in love with shane. I was 20. He was 18.

If i am going to be honest here i should tell you that as i type this i am listening to his latest song "you love me" and what could be more cool than that. If i am to be honest, which i will, because that is who i am; honest or nothing. That is what you get. We have not been getting along very well. We just are not connecting. Shane leaves early in the morning and comes home around 8:00 bedtime, there's not much in between. Plus, you know, cold sores and zits and menstruation.

"because i love you and you love me and, oh god, it will be easier someday because i love you and we've got so many things to lose it breaks my heart to think about those things and you love me and i love you and you love me"

How could i not love that.

Funny how this one little thing left as a late night gift on my computer can change everything.

I am off to vancouver for operation booby drop part 2,987,321. If all goes well i will be back on sunday with a booby-free parker. If all goes according to how my heart is feeling i will take parker with me.

You can still find shane on MySpace and GarageBand as "closer to four"

It's late. It's late and i have sufficiently numbed my mind with grammy awards and Lost and Weeds! to the point that i should really be in bed dreaming of Bono rather than here trying to type up something legible.

The grammy's make me want to puke. Shitty music followed up with lot's of bad botox. Sure, i missed a lot, but really at what point did becoming barbie ensure pop-starlet status. I am referring to Christina Agulillera (sp?) and i don't even know what the hell their names are, mimi or something... anyway i find it all so very annoying. The music seems so buried within the popular culture, it is almost secondary to the personna. It's just wrong.

I love music. I'm not so important to even care about what music i like - i just like that people like music. Music helps me to cope with life. I like to feel like i have a soundtrack that is only mine and when i walk along or drive along listening to the chords and the words that they are, for brief moments, part of my life. Recording my station at each interval.

I get great joy from watching parker and tristan, youngest and oldest, dancing together to random songs on her keyboard. I hope that my children can find consolation in music, and eventually bliss, like i have.

I don't even know what i'm trying to say.

Five chickens were murdered in my yard today.

By an owl.

It's all pretty cool - nature. How can i be angry with something so spectacular as a Great Horned Owl, or ten - they hunt in packs apparently.

And Weeds! Am i the only person who likes the show? I don't get it, what's not to love? My favourite 80's and 90's stars revisited as drug dealers/widows/mothers? I love it. Right, you're all watching american idol - losers! Just kidding (sort of).

And wrinkles! Really, tell me your beauty regime. Either here or on your own blog - link back.

I wash with Neutrogena Cleansing wash and finish with whatever anti-wrinkle cream is on sale, usually Oil of Olay, Neutrogena, L'Oreal or Nutrisse. In the morning i shower and lube myself up with Aveeno head-to-toe. I use Aveda shampoo and conditioner, AG Styling products and Bare Minerals make-up.

What about you?

So, parkers better! He had a chest x-ray today and all was clear, no little wispy bits or dots on his little lungs. Of course i will now worry about all the x-rays he's had in the past year, but *phpllt*, not today. Today we will celebrate because the sun did shine again and spring will surely be here at some point.

I keep catching glimpses of myself in mirrors and reflected in car windows. It's alarming isn't it? This getting older crap. All of a sudden i have wrinkles and i find myself oddly obsessed with everybody else's skin. All these women with beautiful skin. I remember when i was young i had very dry skin and for a short period of time in grade 6 i felt very lucky because i didn't have an acne problem. Until one day, one moment permanently etched in my memory, my best friend told me she would have beautiful skin as an adult and i would have wrinkles.

Obviously lack of sleep and mountains of stress plus the monster cold sore on my lip have me looking not at my best, but still. Wrinkles, creases - whatever, shouldn't they happen later? Surely not in your 30's.

How is your skin holding up with age and children and pollution and global warming?

I cracked open the teeny tiny green egg and it had no yolk. There have been no more teeny tiny green egg incidents. The sky is apparently not falling.

and the sun? it did shine!

We spent the morning outside! Outside in the sun watching a good old fashioned cock fight. Huh?

Yes! Yesterday i brought home a bunch of new chickens and a rooster. I was the proud owner of one huge rooster for about 4 minutes. Until i attempted to open the box and lift him out. He flew out of that box and ran shrieking into the woods. We saw him briefly this morning when he set off the start motor on every rooster i had and fights broke out. It was quite the bloody cock fighting mess. Really i just wanted to say cock fight as many times as possible. Cock fight!

who's there?

orange

orange who?

orange you glad i'm in a better mood?

ha ha ha ha haha!

Yesterday we had a day of distraction. Distracting parker from feeling sick and me from feeling sorry for myself. Perfect.

Toby was going for a playdate at the home and dairy farm of a friend from school. We have been wanting to see the farm for ages and i happened to need to pick up a bunch of chickens from right next door. So, we all went. It was awesome.

Awesome except for the mud, large pond of cow urine and gigantic piles of cow shit. Farming is a dirty, smelly business that's for certain.

Best of all though, the absolute perfect way to cure any ailment; having a two week old calf faux-nurse/suckle on your fingers! So gross, but oh so cool. We all tried it and all screamed with glee. We also drank milk straight from the cow! Gross! Double gross! It had gone through the milker and into the holding tank, chilled. Not pasteurized or anything though. Just the straight goods.

Our farmer friend handed parker a glass and said "just like mom, only cold!" Parker's eyes lit up. It tasted like more than homo milk, but less than cream. Good.

Our farmer friend used me as an example many times as we asked questions:

"Well, i don't know. Jess! How does it feel to get milked?"

"Jess! You know how it is. As you lactate longer and longer? The teats, they get closer to the ground!"

"Yes! We use special creams and ointments to prevent dry and cracked teats. Jess! What do you use?"

Oh a million laughs were had i tell you. Especially at shane as he gagged his way through the plethora of smells.

That song? "This Year" That is my mantra, my song.

I know i said i wouldn't be back this weekend, but i am soothing my broken soul with some red wine and iTunes. A few minutes after i wrote my last post we headed back to emergency. We spent another six hours there and i think we can now say that he has started to get better. Phew.

I don't think i can really put into words how it feels when your child is sick like that. Sick in a way that you know 99% of the time it works out just fine, but sometimes it doesn't. Breathing, lung function - the centre of our bodies universe - when they are not working right in your little 30 pound child it is truly terrifying. I am thankful for modern medicine no matter how screwed up the system may be.

I'm feeling a little detached from myself. Lonely, sad. Depressed a little i guess. I hesitate to talk about it because i know my mom will read this and worry as mothers do (right... see above). But, a large part of who i am and how i feel about walking through this world is made up by my brain chemistry.

I keep typing more and erasing it.

I am gonna make it through this year if it kills me.

**updated to add**

I forgot to say not only do i have the coldsore, the period, the zits; someone broke into my car in the hospital parking lot and stole my iPod. Those are some bad people, stealing from people in the hospital.

Thanks guys for all your thoughts - really so nice and makes me feel all tingly and unworthy.

Parker is doing okay. We are at home and if there's one good thing it is that i am so glad that i hadn't weaned him yet. He still can't keep any food (or medicine) down, even water and juice is touch and go, so knowing that i could give him a little something made me very happy. We didn't stay at the hospital long as we were sharing a room with many sick and noisy toddlers and there was no rest to be had. We have a nebulizer at home and my sister the doctor on-call.

The biggest problem has been his gag reflex which makes it virtually impossible to get antibiotics, tylenol, prednisone in him the conventional ways. Poor little suppository boy.

He is still very wheezy and his cough is yucky. His fever is slowly coming down after sitting alarmingly high for 48 hours. I'd be lying if i told you i wasn't still worried, he is still very sick. This is his third pneumonia and it really kicks me in the ass that my biggest, most robust appearing baby keeps getting so sick.

He does take Singulair and an inhaled steroid every day already. I know it's silly, but i really think all the damn rain doesn't help.

Anyway, i'm feeling very sad and i have a monster cold sore plus my period. I am going to take today and tomorrow, but will check in on monday.

Thanks so much everybody.
xxoo

parker has pneumonia. i'm at the hospital with him. back soon.

Chair and Debbie tagged me to do this (what's becoming a rockstar) meme. Normally, i avoid the meme. It feels like a popularity contest, who tagged, or didn't tag, who. It makes me feel like i'm back in grade 7 and i was, usually, the one not invited to the sleepover. So, here it is:

4 jobs in your life

Selling shoes at the uber-cool John Fluevog Shoes
Cleaning doctors offices
Hostess at Capilano Suspension Bridge
Advertising Director at CFUV, campus radio at University of Victoria

4 movies you could watch over and over

I never watch movies more than once, well rarely, except these:

National Lampoon Christmas Vacation
American Beauty
Garden State
The Unbearable Lightness of Being

4 tv shows you love to watch

Huff - is it ever coming back?
Weeds
Survivor
Grey's Anatomy

4 places you have lived

North Vancouver
East Vancouver
Victoria
where i am now, but it's a secret

4 places you have been on vacation

Lisbon, Portugal
Kihei, Maui
Toronto, Ontario
Los Angeles

4 websites you visit daily

me
you
again
and again

4 of your favorite foods

chocolate
spaghetti
tacos
fancy salads

4 places you'd rather be right now

in bed
in the shower - i stink
on holiday
with jen, or chantal, or jenb, or mb, or ada.

4 bloggers you are tagging

bite me, everybody else did this long ago. I am the one sitting home alone watching breakfast club dying my hair black and crimping it.

Last night, as i already mentioned, we had a major thunderstorm. When i went out to let the chickens out i found this in the coop:

That is the smallest, greenest egg ever.

I am warming my toes in the warmth that is the double nap. Parker and eliza are both wheezy and hacky and doped up on steroids and ventolin. We are teetering on the brink of emergency room visits.

But, the sun did shine this morning for a few hours and we played in the vitamin d goodness before the rain began again.

Now, in the ultimate cruelty i have to go and wake them up so that we can go do the school pick-up thing.

Any ideas for a dinner i can make with 5 pounds of baby spinach that is almost past due? Or should i just give it to the chickens.

Oh! The chickens. Last night we had a thunder storm in our yard. We thought for a moment a plane was crashing - right here. The chickens were definitely phased by the ordeal. I'll post photos later.