I remember when i got pregnant with parker. I remember, aside from my own terror at the thought of four kids, that we had to hold off on telling our families. Being pregnant AGAIN! was going to go over like a lead balloon. I had all four of my kids in a six year period. It was a lot. I don't think my body is ever going to fully recover.
Stretch marks aside i knew that my mom and my mother-in-law would be disappointed. Why? Well, i think shane's mom worried that it was too much, that i was somehow limiting her son's potential. Somehow three was okay, but four crossed the line.
We chose to have four kids. And at some point a few years earlier we chose to have two kids. Two was good. Perfect - a boy and a girl. Then? Well. Eliza. Who was perfectly perfect, but turned perfection into three kids. Three kids with insecure little toby in the middle. In the middle of TWO girls. We knew pretty quickly that three was not a magic number for us. And so four it was to be.
At exactly the same time i got pregnant with parker my sister and my sister-in-law got pregnant too. I knew that their second and first pregnancies were going to require all the energy my family had to muster. So, we decided to keep our fourth a surprise for as long as possible. We let the bomb drop when i was 22 weeks pregnant by sending ultrasound pics with "it's a boy" in the subject line of a family wide email.
The response was not good. Everybody was upset. Shane's mom couldn't even muster a congratulations just lots of "oh my goodness". His brother was the only one who said anything positive and i think that was along the lines of "holy shit! way to go!"
We had many "have you guys figured out how it happens yet?" Har har.
My mom wasn't disappointed, but i remember her saying "oh, now your in trouble! You're never going to get out of this now!"
I've thought about that a lot since then. Like whenever shane and i are really not getting along. Those nights when you lie in bed planning your escape. For me it sounds something like:
Shit, if i kick him out how the hell am i going to pay for everything? No more private school that's for sure. And speech therapy? How much money could i get? How am I going to get a job? Who will take care of the kids? What about eliza's allergies? AND! I will be single FOREVER because nobody wants a 35 year old woman with four kids! Damn, i better make-up with shane in the morning.
I think THAT is the core of what my mom was saying. I will never get out of this life. And that's okay. Good in fact. I don't think she meant what she said to hurt my feelings, although it might have a bit at the time. I think she was speaking to me as a mother of four kids herself. A mother who gave everything to her kids and when we all became adults was faced with reinventing herself or pass away her empty nest years as, well, an empty nester.
In becoming the new, childless woman i think my mom saw a bit of what she had missed all those years. She saw it and wanted me to have everything just like all mothers do - want the best for their kids.
Posted by Jess at 10:18 AM Permalink
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WoW. I have four. You hit the nail on the head!
Posted by Patty | January 30, 2006 11:23 AM