derailed

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the totally lame and self-indulgent posts i have been making of late. I am in a tailspin of depression and mania. It's weighing heavy on me and rendering me mentally incapable of spewing forth anything.

After weeks of depression i recently found myself happy. Hello happy! At the same time i am always responsible to my number one task which is to be a good mother. The kind of mom that loves her kids to all ends. Even if those ends are constant self-doubt and loathing. You know the drill: am i good enough? Can i really do this? What the hell kind of role model am i? and why are my children so neurotic? and cute? The cuteness, it's suffocating.

The love which keeps you up at night, blood pressure racing with fear. Fear of the inevitable. Children growing and becoming independent and susceptible to the influence of others.

I'm having an inner conflict about the whole honesty in blogging thing. I am constantly shocked and concerned and disgusted by the kind of google searches that land here. I won't go into details because everybody can guess. All i want is to create an open and honest account of snippets of my life. But, it is so hard to do that when the 1% are so filthy, so beyond reproach. I don't know the answer. Not writing is not it, but perhaps, total honesty isn't either.