deafening silence and stopped emotion

I've been thinking about this mother at the school, Janet (her real name as i don't protect the innocent). I've gotten to know her over the past few months as her daughter is in ballet with Eliza and i pick her up from kindergarten on ballet day for a little pre-dance playdate. Anyway, Janet, she's an artist. She always thanks me profusely for taking her daughter so that she can have more time in her "studio". I've been a little suspicious about the whole artist thing and asked to see her work last time i was at her house. It's nice, good actually. I can picture it in the houses of people i know.

And yet, i don't buy it. The whole artist thing. She is so completely normal. She's happy to drive her minivan, go to yoga once a week, have pleasant dinner parties, keep a clean house, a beautiful garden - she even brings slippers when she goes to other people's houses because her feet get cold. She finds her daughters challenging and time-consuming. I don't know, there's no fire. Where's the depression, the drinking, the fucking torture?

One time she came to our house for a little party. I decided on a whim to have all the parents over for a party after the school fair last may. Earlier in the week shane had bought me a huge purple vibrator, kind of as a joke and kind of hopefully. Anyway, i had tossed it in the junk drawer in the kitchen and forgotten about it. When those moms came over they descended on my kitchen like a flock of chickens to scratch. A whirlwind of pots and pans and chopping knives and VOILA dinner for 30. I realized after they had left that the purple jelly machine had been in plain view to anybody that had opened that drawer and i knew that janet had. Not a word. Ever. But, after that i became a little more popular at the school.

What do dildos and wannabe artists have in common? Fuck if i know. Except that i think that people feel a little 'cool by proxy' when they hang out with me because i am a total sex machine. I kill myself. I am sitting here laughing my ass off at the nonsense that spews forth from me. I should add that cool is very relative when you live in a community of a couple thousand.