I've been feeling so

I've been feeling so funky-low lately. Part of it is (obviously) hurricane Katrina and the surreal feeling of having my happy life continue totally uninterrupted amidst all the suffering. I know people are always suffering, but something about it happening in America, it really is scary. Makes me think about our storm last year and how we baled out after only two days without heat, electricity or water and how totally helpless we were even in that circumstance.

The other part is that the funky feeling leaves me totally closed up. I can't answer the phone, talk to other parents at the school, talk with Shane in the evening or even bother to log out of AIM or respond when people ding-dong me. I am completely alienating myself and in very typical fashion (for me) i went out and bought seven new chickens today (including Charlie the 2nd!). When i was young my parents always bought their way out of tough situations. It was easier, i suppose, than actually dealing with problems. I remember when my dog got hit by a car in front of me; instead of comforting me and talking about death my dad came in and said we'd get a new dog the next day. Now that i think about it, i suppose that i am doing the same for my kids by buying a new Charlie the rooster. But, we did have a burial and use the experience to talk about death and we did mourn for a reasonable amount of time (for a chicken).

You see, next weekend Parker will turn two. I have never had a two year old and not another little baby. Crazy as it sounds it's killing me inside. I have agonized over this sadness i have about not having more babies and i just don't know why i feel this way. I am more than busy and fulfilled and in crazy love with my kids and most days i know i would explode if i added another child to this plate. But, but... the babies. I love the babies. I love being pregnant. I love the baby moon. I just want to do it over and over again. Blah.

Soon i will be over run with chickens and puppies and god knows what else trying to fill that empty baby spot.

The other part of the problem is that my brother is an alcoholic. An alcoholic in the worst sense. He's been sober one year on October 1st. But before he became sober he came as close to killing himself as one person can and it was hard.

So, Shane and i have been known to enjoy some wine - on occasion. Over the summer the occasions became more and more regular. Around the end of the summer we realized there was a problem - perhaps. Or maybe just the beginnings of one. Either way, that is not who we are. We are parents and parents don't do that and stay good parents.

So, now we are not drinking. But, i'm bored and i miss our nights on the balcony talking for hours on end. An alcoholic summer is fun. And i am conflicted about that.

Then again, maybe it's the change of season and the kids going back to school and being the fucking president. Now THAT is killing me.