drowning

I have been feeling low all week. I'm not really sure why. The weather is (finally) beautiful. The garden is growing, the chicks are growing, the hens are hiding their eggs - damn them, and we have been spending dubious amounts of time at the lake where the kids, for the most part, get along and don't whack each other over the head with shovels.

Except that they never listen - i mean really never listen, unless i'm offering up some sort of treat. I think, actually i know, that i am one of the worst discipliners ever. I am wimpy to the core. I think i lived in such constant fear of getting in trouble (by my dad) growing up that i wanted to save them from that. But what has it achieved? It's turned me into a jeckyl/hyde mom. I slide and slide and then i have a little freak out. They totally don't take that seriously either though, they just keep on doing whatever is sending me over the edge until i have to say "mommy is really going to freak out now" and then sometimes they listen.

I still haven't weaned Parker, total wimp personified there. It just seems so much easier to sleep. Except that i don't. I wake up and nurse him at least four times a night. I know that if i weaned him i'd suffer for a few days and then i could possibly/probably sleep. History has shown me that that is the case. I just can't bear the few nights of agony. My bedroom consists of three mattresses on the floor; one queen size that Shane, Parker and I sleep on, one single that Eliza sleeps on most nights and a third that Toby sleeps on most nights. When Toby and Eliza come in they wake me up too. That makes at least six wake-ups.

And the kids all sleep together too. Three single beds all in a row. They could have their own rooms, but that is what they want. Yet somehow, even the close proximity of siblings, isn't enough for any of them, except Tristan. Toby, Eliza and Parker all need me.

Now I know it's all sweet and cute that they all need me so much, but if anyone else tells me that i'll look back on these days fondly i'm gonna punch them in the face. I know that someone somewhere said this and i thought it was Melissa, but i can't find it in my searches. But, take this as an acknowledgement of my un-originality. Also, if my mother-in-law asks one more time "are they sleeping in their rooms yet" i'm gonna punch her too - screw the inheritance.

weaning
co-sleeping
family bed