gone, baby gone

My love has gone away again. It's actually getting much easier, dare I say, nice when he goes away everything just seems to flow better. The kids miss him, of course, but life is smoother and, dare i say it (again), happier. We, or I, seem to feel these expectations when he is here. Get things done on time, eat a proper dinner, get everyone in bed so that he can relax - all of it. All the daily rituals that keep the family moving. But, when he is away we fly by the seat of our pants and then I realize at the end of the day that everything happened at pretty much the same schedule but without those expectations. The house is really clean, the chickens are in bed in a clean coop, the dogs are fed and walked, the kids are in bed quietly pooped out from a busy day and tummies are full of kid fare, healthy fare, but definitely kid fare.

So, what's the big difference? Stress. I think it's stress. My husband is a stressed out basket case - comes with the self-employed territory I think. It reminds me so much of my youth. My dad was always away and when he was we were happy. When he was home life was, well, stressful. I love my dad more than anything, but when I was young I preferred loving him from a distance. What is it about the men in my life that makes them so difficult to live with? How can I make my sons less stressed out when they become, maybe some day, fathers?

I think the drive to succeed and provide kills any gentleness in my man's soul. He pushes himself so hard to succeed and make money, when, in my opinion, at the end of the day the little shining faces of my children means more than any retirement savings plan. But, I digress and that argument is the never-ending saga in our house. The argument I think we will have till the end of our days, until like my father he says "I wish I spent more time..."