happy birdee

Yesterday we had Eliza's 4th birthday party at the local bowling alley. She has never had a party before as she has never really had enough friends to fill a party. This year we pulled one together with her speech therapy friend and a couple little sisters from school. It was uneventful and cute. I forgot to put the battery in my camera before we left and now feel like a bad mother as I totally missed preserving the day.

I lay in bed this morning remembering the day she was born. It was such a hard time for me. Not just because of the whole trauma around her birth, but the subsequent stress and depression from it as well as dealing with three little kids - 4, 2 and new, and the 75 pounds I gained during that pregnancy. My husband is self-employed and his availability as "dad" has always been dependant on how busy and stressed his work life is. During my post-partum he always seems to be at his busiest and least available to me. I have my suspicions that this may be unintentionally intentional. He has a really hard time dealing with the lack of intimacy post-partum, particularly after a c-section. I think his worry about not hurting me easily turns into resentment. So, I have always felt extra alone and lonely right after the birth of all my children, ppd. Post-partum depression. I think I have been dealing with ppd in varying degrees for the past 8 years. My oldest daughter has her birthday next week, which will make it 8 years since all this began.

What a crazy, wonderful journey.
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