I'm stuck

I've really been struggling with ny blog and with so many things in my life. This morning it came to me - I find it impossible to be honest, I mean completely, soul baringly, painfully truthful. The kind of truth that haunts you when you read it or see it. It's beauty is terrifying to me. I'm not sure what I am scared of...well, I think I am. I am so fucking scared of anyone judging me as a mother. I want to be the very best - an impossible dream. I am not the best, no where near it. But, holy crap I love my kids and I am so fearful of ever losing them in any way.

So, I've been struggling. I read so many great blogs like this one and this one. I want to be able to do that, I want to write really great things. I think the difference is that, in general, my life is good; it's just all those fucking little day-to-day things that are wearing me down. Bills, money, my daughters allergies, chronic hospital visits for my two youngest and their asthma, Toby's Apraxia - paying for the damn speech therapy that he so desperately needs yet eats up any hope we EVER have for a holiday, all the prescriptions, my fat tummy that ain't going anywhere, the chronic diarrea (mine), the fact that I will never be as young and beautiful as I used to be before I started having children and I will never again be the focus of all the songs I love listening to, my husband still lusts over me but mine ebbs and flows, my love for him is still so strong it's painful - mostly because how the hell could I ever do all this without my best friend? Mostly, I want to write like I used to.
--------