So, how about the weather?

Being in the thick of this thing i can't really share what's going on because i am processing so many feelings. I can tell you that it has been a week. It's exhausting this talking, especially for me as i am not a big talker. This is a difficult and enlightening journey and if at the end of it things don't work out i will know in my heart that the decisions were made out of love and honesty, not hatred and deceit. I am hopeful that my marriage will start again. Fresh and full of love. But, if it doesn't, this is a much better way for it to end.

But, today is mother's day. I woke up to smiling faces, a glass of juice and a cup of coffee. Breakfast was made and gifts were given. It was lovely and wonderful and all the things the day should be.

Happy Mother's Day.

I have begun a journey that is honest. Exciting and scary. Sad and difficult.

We are trying to negotiate a new life. Together. A family.

It will take time.

How did i end up here?

I think that's a question many of us ask ourselves. I asked myself that each time i looked down on the amazing thing that is a newborn baby. I asked myself that each time i moved cities. Each time we bought a new house. When i sat in a room full of other women in san jose, in chicago. I ask myself that every weekend when i wake up to a cold and lonely house, wondering what my beautiful children are doing. How they could be somewhere else, without me.

And i long for them. I ache. My heart rolls around, becomes physically pained. I wander through their rooms. Looking at their things, touching their pillows. Wondering how they are doing. How is their heart. I hope it doesn't hurt like mine.

I long for the days when we were a family. When we would spend days without worry. The really good days, that just happened without planning.

The days before my depression tore my family apart. Before my manic outbursts created a ripple in our lives that would forever change us. Who we were. The days when they didn't have to worry about when they were going to see me again. The days before we were a broken home.

Sometimes i want to step back into that life. I have to restrain myself from calling, pleading to be forgiven. To take it all back. I forget now a lot of the ways it was to be married. I forget what it feels like to sleep in a bed with my husband and parker wedged in between us. I forget a lot of the things that made me angry, or sad or lonely.

I just feel this now.